Who is my brother?

[Ricky]

I didn’t want to talk to Dr Daniels about Lucas. Daddy and mummy had told her that I was getting along well with Lucas, and that he was the only person to hear my voice since...then.

Dr Daniels keeps trying to trick me into speaking, though she always says it’s okay that I don’t. ‘Sometimes, when we see or hear something traumatic and bad, we don’t know how to handle talking about it. That’s normal. But I’m here to hear you when you’re ready.’ Daddy brought her home two years ago, and she still visits once a week. But I’ve never said a word before, and I don’t want to talk about Lucas now.

My sweet new brother. I’d only said one thing to him, a week after the wedding. ‘Do you want to sit in the playroom with me?’ And Dad brought Dr Daniels to see me the next day. She wanted to know the games we played, Lucas would do something and I’d draw, then I’d let him colour some of my drawings. He really liked doing things together, and gave me kisses when he was happy. I asked why once, and he said mummy gave daddy kisses when she was happy. They were family just like us, so it must be something families do.

“Maybe talk to Lucas if you don’t want to talk to me,” Dr Daniels smiled, standing to leave. “Something bad happened to him too. Let me go get us some food.”

[Lucas]

I snuck in to see him the moment his doctor left the room. Mummy said something bad happened to Ricky’s other mummy, and he may have seen or heard something that scared him. Dr Daniels was his special doctor, she was working to heal his mind so he would talk. But he never did, not for two years. So she said I wasn’t allowed to interrupt.

But she wasn’t in there now.

Ricky was looking off into space when I came in. I wanted to bring a few pencils and his sketchbook. Drawing was what he loved to do most. He didn’t notice me until I was stood in front of him. I didn’t except him to say anything, not when this happened last time he spoke. But he did smile.

“I didn’t know how long you’d be here with her, so have these. I kinda want her to leave. I’m lonely without you.”

I frowned and left, passing Dr Daniels and mum on the stairs. Mummy looked unhappy, and I knew I was in trouble.

[Ricky]

I didn’t want to talk about what I saw. I didn’t want to talk about what mummy had said to me. But more than that, I didn’t want Lucas to feel lonely. I wanted him to be happy and give me kisses. So I needed to give Dr Daniels something.

I was scribbling when she came back, with my new mummy and Lucas behind her. He had tears in his eyes. I didn’t like that either. I wanted to hug him so he would smile, but Dr Daniels stood in the way.

“I know you want to play with Lucas, you’ve gotten very close, but we need to go through something before I can leave.”

I ran up to her with my picture and ruined red pencil. There wasn’t a point anymore. Her eyes studied my work and got bigger. My new mummy looked over her shoulders and gasped. She sank to knees next to me and hugged me. I wasn’t used to her yet, but she brought Lucas to me, so I tried my hardest for her.

Dr Daniels gave my picture to daddy too. And he cried. Lucas didn’t look like he understood, but I didn’t either. What bad thing happened to him? Why didn’t he tell me? Who is my new brother?

That night I creeped into his room. We’d played this game together once before. We used pillows and blankets to make a fort with his desk. He looked happy that I was there, but he didn’t know why.

“Dr Daniels said a bad thing happened to you, like what happened to me. I don’t talk because of it, but you talk. What happened with your old daddy? I’ll talk about my old mummy if you want.”

He seemed eager enough. He told me his mummy and daddy were married before he was born. She told him they had been happy before he lost his job. Without work, he spent his day drinking grownup juice and being angry. He shouted lots, and hit mummy sometimes. Lucas showed me a little circle bump on his arm that his daddy gave him when he smoked once. He said it hurt, but mummy saved him. His old daddy couldn’t hurt him now, so didn’t mind telling me.

“My other mummy never hit me. She was always really nice. I thought she was happy, that we were happy. But on her birthday, daddy helped me run her bath before work and the cook gave me cereal for her to have in bed. She told me she was sad in the bath. That her life wasn’t what she wanted, not daddy and not me. She was stuck and didn’t want to be. She used daddy’s razor on her arms where her bracelets went. She bled a lot, and daddy said she was dead before I’d got someone to help. She said she wanted me to stay and keep her secrets. So I don’t talk to grownups anymore.”

Nobody knew these things. I hadn’t planned to tell Lucas these things. They hurt, not like his little circle, but on the inside. My belly hurt, and I couldn’t breathe right. I didn’t notice when I started crying, but I was still sobbing when I finished talking. I cried whenever I remembered mummy.

Lucas gave me a hug, rubbing my back like our mummy had. It helped me breathe. He leaned back and looked at me. I really liked his chocolate eyes. They were warm. He kissed me, but now it seemed different. It lasted longer than the ones before, and he stroked my cheek while I shuffled closer. It was different this time, because this was the first time mummy caught us. And the last time we kissed for a long, long time.

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