Prologue

"Where are you going?" I asked my mom while eating.

She's fixing something. She rarely tidies up.

"Meeting my friends." She looked at me for a moment and then turned her gaze back to the mirror.

"Do you know what day it is today?" I stopped eating and looked at him.

It's my birthday today, and I'm just hoping that she remembers it. My parents have been divorced for a long time; I was only 12 years old back then. Too young to experience and witness my parents' separation.

I keep going back and forth between three houses. I was only 15 years old when I decided to become independent. I have my own condo.

Every time that Monday to Wednesday comes, I go to my mom's house. When Thursday to Saturday comes, I go to Papa's house. On Sunday, I'll just be at home and they'll come to me, to my condo.

It's tiring, isn't it? You don't know how hard it is because you're not from a broken family. It's hard for me. I'm envious of the other kids. Sometimes I also question myself.

'Why do they have a complete family but mine is not?'

'Why are they happy while I'm sad?'

'Why do they no longer need to go back and forth to three houses while I have to just to be with my parents?'

'Why do they all get the attention and love of their parents, while I have to beg for it?'

'Why do they celebrate important days together while I'm alone?'

'Why them? Why not just me?

I have so many questions in my mind that I can't answer.

She took her cellphone out of her bag and checked the time. "July 16." She answered and put the cellphone back in the bag.

"Ah—Right." I gave a short answer and continued eating. What else can I expect?

I didn't notice that tears were welling up in my eyes. I bent down and gently wiped it so she wouldn't notice.

"Is there a problem?" Her surprised question. I just shook my head and raised my head again.

"Okay." I need to leave. Be careful. Especially when you're home alone. Don't open the door if you don't know them, okay? I just nodded. She approached me, kissed my forehead, and then left.

I didn't look at her because I thought I had held back my tears. So it turns out that when you're deeply hurt, no matter how much you try to hold it back, it will just keep flowing. You can't do anything. You'll just have a harder time if you hold it back.

I cried and cried. It's true what they say that you first feel love in your family, but what if I didn't feel that from them? Who will give that to me? A different person?

What I want is just a whole family. Is it that difficult that my parents can't give it to me?

I wiped my tears and straightened myself. I was about to stand up when my cellphone that was lying on the table rang. I took it and looked, the text came from my dad.

"Hello, baby yena. Sorry, huh? Looks like I'll be late coming home. Don't wait for me, take a rest because I know you're tired. Always be careful. I love you so much." I read his text. I thought my tears were over, but not yet. I cried again because of his text. See? No one remembers my birthday. It hurts. I feel like my heart is burning inside. I-I can't breathe. It's always like this, every year. But why can't I get used to it? Why am I still hopeful?

Since they broke up, I haven't been able to celebrate the important days with them. I, I alone celebrate those.

Even with them sometimes in a house so that I can still be alone. Most of the time they are at work. I still have to beg for them to give me time.

I wiped my tears again and fixed myself. I'm tired, I'm so tired of crying. I want to rest. I went up to my room and threw myself on the bed. My eyelids were getting heavy so I closed them and went to sleep.

I woke up because I felt hungry. I went down immediately. As usual, I'm alone again. The light was off so I turned it on and went straight to the kitchen.

I prepared the leftover dishes on the table and started eating. I took my cellphone and checked the time. How many hours until my birthday is over?

I snorted and ate again.

I was surprised when the door opened aggressively and my parents appeared?

How?—Why are they here?

They both quickly ran to me and hugged me.

"Is there a problem?" I asked confused and broke away from the hug.

"I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, Cayena. We make you feel like your alone. We failed as your parents.” Mama said crying.

“Cayenne. We're really sorry. Your not alone okay? You have us. We're always here for you. We love you.” Dad would have hugged me when I pushed him. I don't even feel pity now but anger!

I hate this. I hate this feeling.

"Sorry? Really? I'm alone! Alone! since you broke up! It's hard and very tiring! I always ask myself. Is it all my fault? Should I not be alive? Did you just give birth to me to abandon me? Am I my parents biggest mistake? Do I really deserve to live?” I asked angrily. Tears quickly fell from my eyes.

They couldn't speak and just looked at me.

"You won't answer? What do you think I need the material things that you give me? No! I don't need those! All—All I need is you! All I need is my family! My parents!” I retreated from them.

"Is that difficult? It's a good thing I'm alone, no siblings because I don't want them to feel what I'm feeling now! No child deserves everything! Shouldn't I be the first to experience what they say is love? But why! Why can't I feel that about you?" Mom tried to approach me but I pushed her which caused her to fall down.

“You deserve it!” I screamed. I was surprised when dad slapped me.

“That's too much, cayena!” His opinion.

"Ha! I'm still the one exaggerating? How about the both of you? How about the things you did to me? I just pushed her, didn't I? That's not even enough! You abandoned me! Abandoned!” I ran out of the house. Do I really deserve this? At the same time as I cried, the rain fell.

"Looks like god is on my side today?" I whispered and ran faster. I didn't notice that I was already in the middle of the road.

“CAYENA!” My parents called me. I looked at them and was surprised to see the approaching truck.

"CAYENNE! NO! NO!” The event is fast. They both came to me and made me cry. I'm slowly losing consciousness. "I'm sorry." I whispered before taking a breath.

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