Prologue

I sighed as my eyes roamed around the bar. Some people were staring at me, although who would blame them? I'm a woman, all alone with five bottles of wine in front of me, drinking my sixth one as I scroll through my phone. I prefer to go to bars out of town where no one else knows me. "If my friends saw me like this... they would be more than shocked." I thought to myself as I scroll through Facebook, seeing my friends posting about their travels. Who would believe a sight like this anyway? Even I cannot believe what I'm doing. Me, the Ashlyn Dominguez turning to alcohol for comfort after a break up after advising most of my peers that alcohol should never be an option, especially alone. I know the contents of this drink though, I'm a chemical engineer, I make these too sometimes. This particular one feels really good to drink. It has just the right amount of alcohol and the sweet taste of grapes to make it as tasty as it is addictive. "How pathetic." I mumbled as I saw another post of a friend, he was complaining about another break up, he was showing the whole world how vulnerable he is. Couldn't be me though, no one can see me like this. No one ever will.

I felt like such a hater, insulting my friends in my mind because they were so weak when I'm most likely weaker than most of them. At least they have the courage to be vulnerable. I can't even tell my friends my girlfriend cheated on me without needing to have a week to myself, trying to build myself up all alone because I didn't want anyone else to see that a person they thought was a ray of sunshine that always saw the positive in situations could be so... My racing thoughts stopped as I saw my reflection. I was pretty when I cried. My eyes were pink, along with my nose and lips. "I look better than most of the time I put makeup on." I thought to myself. A voice in my head was conversing with me. That voice in my head was the only true friend I had. It was the only thing with me, after all it is just me, just... another version.

I had many versions of myself. Similar to inside out, if Riley had depression. My favorite was 'comfort' me. It's the voice that whispers sweet nothings in my head. The one that rationalizes my actions, the one that makes me feel like I'm the victim, the one that I imagine would hold me tightly at night as I cry to myself, the one that makes me feel better, like everything is going to be fine. The version that most people see. I use this version of me outside too. When others are feeling down, I let this version talk with my voice and help the people I can to make up for the ones I couldn't help.

When I'm alone, 'comfort' me and 'judgement' me would always fight, and 'hateful' me would sometimes join in and make both of them feel horrible. In the end, 'happy' me always wins. 'Happy' me always tried to look into the bright side. She is always the voice that comes after 'comfort' me, she is the reason why I seem like a ray of sunshine to people. The both of them. 'Judgement' me and 'hateful' me almost never show unless I'm overwhelmed or alone because I never let them show. A ray of sunshine can never burn too bright or else it might end up hurting others. Besides, it's not possible anyway.

"Will we ever find the real me?" A part of me thought. The most abandoned version of me. 'Genuine' me. I wonder, why is there a genuine version of me, but I still can't find the real me. Is it my genuine thoughts? Or are they only thoughts that I try to gaslight myself to think are genuine so that I believe that a part of me is true? I really don't know anymore.

People are different colors, sometimes they can be numbers, but there are rare times I see them as numbers or letters. All of them are colors though. I am not too sure if there's a pattern to the colors people correspond with, sometimes their appearance, voice, or personality affects it, but sometimes, I even see a stranger as a color. Although the more time I spend with a person, sometimes their color changes. I usually fell for purple people. My flings are usually yellow, the ones I like but never love. There's also blue... they're usually the exceptions. They break my self proclaimed rules, I try to avoid liking those people now.

"Will I ever find our what color I am?" I mumbled again, I probably sound crazy in front of these people. I hope they don't hear me, they might think of an entirely different thing.

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