I sighed as my eyes roamed around the bar. Some people were staring at me, although who would blame them? I'm a woman, all alone with five bottles of wine in front of me, drinking my sixth one as I scroll through my phone. I prefer to go to bars out of town where no one else knows me. "If my friends saw me like this... they would be more than shocked." I thought to myself as I scroll through Facebook, seeing my friends posting about their travels. Who would believe a sight like this anyway? Even I cannot believe what I'm doing. Me, the Ashlyn Dominguez turning to alcohol for comfort after a break up after advising most of my peers that alcohol should never be an option, especially alone. I know the contents of this drink though, I'm a chemical engineer, I make these too sometimes. This particular one feels really good to drink. It has just the right amount of alcohol and the sweet taste of grapes to make it as tasty as it is addictive. "How pathetic." I mumbled as I saw another post of a friend, he was complaining about another break up, he was showing the whole world how vulnerable he is. Couldn't be me though, no one can see me like this. No one ever will.

I felt like such a hater, insulting my friends in my mind because they were so weak when I'm most likely weaker than most of them. At least they have the courage to be vulnerable. I can't even tell my friends my girlfriend cheated on me without needing to have a week to myself, trying to build myself up all alone because I didn't want anyone else to see that a person they thought was a ray of sunshine that always saw the positive in situations could be so... My racing thoughts stopped as I saw my reflection. I was pretty when I cried. My eyes were pink, along with my nose and lips. "I look better than most of the time I put makeup on." I thought to myself. A voice in my head was conversing with me. That voice in my head was the only true friend I had. It was the only thing with me, after all it is just me, just... another version.

I had many versions of myself. Similar to inside out, if Riley had depression. My favorite was 'comfort' me. It's the voice that whispers sweet nothings in my head. The one that rationalizes my actions, the one that makes me feel like I'm the victim, the one that I imagine would hold me tightly at night as I cry to myself, the one that makes me feel better, like everything is going to be fine. The version that most people see. I use this version of me outside too. When others are feeling down, I let this version talk with my voice and help the people I can to make up for the ones I couldn't help.

When I'm alone, 'comfort' me and 'judgement' me would always fight, and 'hateful' me would sometimes join in and make both of them feel horrible. In the end, 'happy' me always wins. 'Happy' me always tried to look into the bright side. She is always the voice that comes after 'comfort' me, she is the reason why I seem like a ray of sunshine to people. The both of them. 'Judgement' me and 'hateful' me almost never show unless I'm overwhelmed or alone because I never let them show. A ray of sunshine can never burn too bright or else it might end up hurting others. Besides, it's not possible anyway.

"Will we ever find the real me?" A part of me thought. The most abandoned version of me. 'Genuine' me. I wonder, why is there a genuine version of me, but I still can't find the real me. Is it my genuine thoughts? Or are they only thoughts that I try to gaslight myself to think are genuine so that I believe that a part of me is true? I really don't know anymore.

People are different colors, sometimes they can be numbers, but there are rare times I see them as numbers or letters. All of them are colors though. I am not too sure if there's a pattern to the colors people correspond with, sometimes their appearance, voice, or personality affects it, but sometimes, I even see a stranger as a color. Although the more time I spend with a person, sometimes their color changes. I usually fell for purple people. My flings are usually yellow, the ones I like but never love. There's also blue... they're usually the exceptions. They break my self proclaimed rules, I try to avoid liking those people now.

"Will I ever find our what color I am?" I mumbled again, I probably sound crazy in front of these people. I hope they don't hear me, they might think of an entirely different thing.

Ashlyn

I slammed my head on the table. Now I don't only sound crazy, I probably seem crazy to the people around me too, but no one knows me here so screw it. It hurts too much to care about what these strangers think of me. My chest feels like it's getting squeezed with my each breath. I don't want to go through this pain again. Plus, my head hurts. Not only did I drink several bottles of wine already, but I think I slammed my head a little too hard that my brain shook, "I think it's trying to compete with our heartache." 'Joker' me said in my head. It made me chuckle a little.

As I kept scrolling through my phone, my heart dropped and I almost threw my phone at the bartender as I saw a post of Silvia Anthanez with her "true love" she captioned. My painfully beautiful, perfect ex. "Can anything else compare to this pain that you've bestowed upon me earlier? Yes, the pain you're making me experience right now." I whispered as a tear ran down my eye. My head is ringing, too many thoughts are running through my head. But they're all panicking about one thing.

People will see.

I don't want to deal with anyone's bullshit right now, I put my phone on do not disturb and asked the bartender for a few more bottles. I come to this bar often, its popular so I usually don't see many familiar faces but this bartender seems to have grown familiar with me. We made small talk from the past, when I first suspected my ex was cheating on me and he was pretty helpful and kind. He was definitely pink. A genuinely kind soul that really won't hurt a fly unless they hurt him first. Someone once spiked my drink and what he did almost got him fired until I vouched for him. He doesn't know my as Ashlyn though. I told him my name was Lia for the time being.

I can't let anyone know that I am like this, especially after Silvia posted that shit. Silvia, my Sia. We dated for a year and a half before I caught her in bed with another man when I was supposed to surprise her for her birthday. "Happy fucking birthday you bitch." I still remember saying that. The image of them... together... she seemed really close and comfortable with that prick, while I almost waisted a year to be able yo even kiss her cheek. Was it because I was a girl? "Out of all the women in the world... Sia, my darling... did you have to replace me with a man?" I said as I teared up, the bartender handing me a tissue as the tears slowly fell to the table. Before I knew it, I was so dizzy that I would probably not notice if someone spiked my drink. This is dangerous. I never got this dizzy before, sure wine barely had much of an affect on people, and it only had 3% alcohol, but I drank maybe 10 bottles already.

"Well, what's done is done. I can't do anything about it." I scoffed, looking down at the bottle. The wine was purple, purple like Sia? No... Sia is more on the lavender side. This was darker, maybe it was plum? Or raisin... This more like... Mialenne. My first love.

She was a lot like Sia. It rhymed too now that I think about it... Mia and Sia. I chuckled to myself as I remembered my reaction to the first time I saw Sia and the last time I saw Mia. It felt almost identical. They were similar, their appearance made me feel the same butterflies. The beauty of Mia that I thought no one could beat had an equal, Sia. I didn't date Mia though, she was straight. And I suppose that's for the best. Friends to lovers is not a very good trope for me. I wouldn't want to lose a best friend for love like how I lost... One I would call my greatest love.

My greatest love, Zian. He was blue. Light blue. "Why are the people who hurt me so much so light?" I wonder as I went through my memories again. Zian... We hit it off immediately as friends. I taught him math and he taught me history. I hated the subjects he loved, and vice versa, I suppose that's how we grew close. Everything got ruined when we started to be more than friends. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, had my first kiss, my first date. He was my everything. He made me feel assured, and I believed he was different from everyone else because he was the only man that made me feel safe. Although we had different personalities, we still had similar hobbies. I wanted to marry him. But he grew bored of me, he thought I was tiring to be with and he lost interest. I tried to chase him when he left me, and the asshole stayed only to hurt me again, so I left.

We were only hurting each other in the end... But Sia gave me the comfort and happiness that neither of those two combined could top... I thought she was going to be my last love. I gave her everything I had. I was understanding, I gave her reassurance, I never let get in the way of our love, I prioritized her over everything, and yet I was still replaced with a dick. Literally.

A stray tear fell from my eye, "I want that comfort again. I want to go home. Someone, anyone please... Won't anyone stay? Of course no one would stay, why would anyone stay? I'm just a good friend, people will get tired of me anyway, I'm just so easily replaceable I can't be anyone's permanent and true love. I mean, I don't even know who I really am, why should I expect to love anyone or for anyone to truly love me if I don't even know who that is? It was my fault, I shouldn't have entrusted anyone to my heart, I should've kept some to myself, why can't I love myself? Who is that even? How do I love someone I don't know? How come I loved someone with a mask on and still got my heart damaged?" My thoughts are running wild, my head is genuinely starting to hurt.

As I'm left with these overwhelming thoughts, I suddenly see someone, something, a color in the corner of my eye. I didn't have a good eye. Literally, I'm wearing contacts right now. But I wasn't good with faces either. I couldn't really tell you who's handsome and ugly because I feel like I was cursed to see everyone as beautiful, I thought everyone was made equally until I saw his face. This guy had to be the son of Aphrodite. He had to be some type of model with that body. His hair is dirty blonde although I can't see his eyes too clearly. I should really get my eyes checked, my appointment was supposed to be yesterday or maybe it's the wine. Wait, where are my thoughts going? But anyways, there was one thing that was clear, and I could clearly see it. Yes, I guess the guy was majestic and beautiful but it was not the only thing that shocked me. He... He was green!

To be continued...

Xander

I wanted to take a break from all the work that I needed to take care of. I didn't expect that it wouldn't let me sleep properly for weeks on end. But at the end of the day, Xander Zein Lopez is rich and that is all that matters. "Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness is stupid because I feel pretty damn happy!" I said as I drunk around in this bar full of beers and in the corner of my eye, I spy another b. A big b.

Ashlyn Ray Dominguez, a stupid ray of sunshine, a little bit of this and that and I bet you my whole fortune she's drunk. That's why I wonder why there's a dozen bottles of wine in front of her. I mean it's wine, she's going to be fine right? As long as she doesn't see me, she would probably leave me alone. She's annoying as hell and I bet she's not any better when she's drunk. "Maybe she's with someone, it's impossible for her to have drunk all of that by herself." I say to myself as self-reassurance. What stupid woman would go out drinking at night alone anyway? Ashlyn is the biggest scaredy cat in the whole class, she wouldn't... She's also among the top three with me, she's not stupid. She and I were once on the same level. She would not. But I still waited. I waited for a minute, and another, and then a few more. No one was coming to her side! And she's asking for another bottle, is this bitch crazy?

I. Don't. Care. About. People. But Rea would probably be devastated if she saw one of her best friends like this. "My conscience would fucking kill me if I don't do shit." I whispered to myself as I walked towards this stupid bitch. "Stop it, you've had enough, Ms. Ray." I held her hand and brushed the bartender aside giving him a few thousand dollars, he can have the change as a tip for at least not drugging this girl. He looks a little confused though and he even seemed like he wanted to fight even after I gave him money. Am I really going to get into a fight for this shorty?

"What's going on? Where's my drink?" Her drunk and low voice spoke, I've never seen her like this before. Even in reunions, she made sure not to get drunk, but it seems she could hold her own and not pass out after a dozen drinks. "You need to go home Ms. Ray, your neighborhood is like 30 minutes away from here. You can't drive in your current condition." I whispered into her ear as I slapped her hand that was trying to reach for another bottle. She let out a whine like a child, "I want more!" she said as she jumped around, what is she even doing? "Cute, no. Rea will murder me if something happens to you." I said as I had to carry her on my shoulder so that she wouldn't make a scene. Relaxation is fucking over, and for a bitch that'll probably forget this happened by tomorrow.

I drove her to Rea's house because how should I know her address? And I am not taking her to my house. "Rae!" I shouted, banging at her door once and she thankfully woke up and opened the door. "Why did you interrupt my beauty slee— you killed Lyn?!" She looked half asleep, like hell I would go through the trouble. "Ms. Ray was drunk, alone. She's your problem now." I said with a neutral tone, shoving her into Rea's arms. "You still call her Ray? You know she was kidding back then." she teased as she rubbed Ms. Ray's back. I don't care though, Ms. Ray said she doesn't want her first name uttered by my mouth twelve years ago, I promised to do so, and I keep my promises. And here in front of me is a little demon that spawned from hell trying to make me break that promise.

Realynn Sophie Lopez, my cousin. She also happens to be the same age as me. Ms. Ray, me and her were known as the big three in our class because we were known to be unbeatable at the top. Me and Ms. Ray would always compete for the top spot. I definitely mostly won, but Rea sat peacefully at third. Rea and Ms. Ray are close friends, some even mistake them as twins or sisters, their names are similar and they even got the same hairstyles in highschool, I was a thirdwheel and I am not going to continue that legacy, therefore I quickly went back to my car and started the engine as I prepared to go back to the sweet bar. There's still time.

"Wait, Xandy!" Rea shouted as I started the engine. "Thank you!!! You still have a heart even though your head looks like a block of ice!" she added. "I hope you get nightmares." I said, my voice raised a little so she could hear me through the engine. "And don't tell her I brought her here, just say you stumbled upon her or something, I don't want her thinking she owes me. She's annoying when she's like that." I added before driving away. This was my first free time after hell's work, I will make the most of it. I won't waste it on a drunk damsel in distress.

I went back to the bar and the bartender was shooting me some glances, I can probably pluck those eyes out of him but I don't want to get banned from this place. I want to have fun that's why I just avoided talking to him and kept quiet as I just asked for bottles and nothing else so that there was no conversation between us. I was too lazy to talk anyway, I wanted to get drunk and live before I die from my job. I wonder if Ms. Ray is throwing up at Rea's house right now... I've never seen her do that. It's been two years since I last saw that shorty, she hasn't grown.

Wait, what the fuck?

That stupid cat got into my head, why the hell am I thinking about her anyway? I'm just going to stop thinking. I'm just going to drink. But she really didn't grow. I need to purify my brain to get her face off my head. What better to do than get drunk? The sun was going up. I need to go home, but I'm too drunk to drive, but I managed so I was shocked to see myself on Rea's couch, Ms. Ray eating while chuckling with her. Why am I here?

To be continued...