Prologue

"Until when will you be like this? Years have passed, why is it so hard for you to forget and move forward , Monica?"

The young woman just looked at her mother and remained silent. She was exhausted from trying to understand her mother's advice. Her physical and mental health were too tired to listen. Her mother had been saying the same thing every now and then , but Monica was too stubborn and ignored her words.

"Just consider this is also for you... I am your mother... I understand your pain, please... Monica... it's almost six years now, forget and move on... try to understand what I'm saying to you, I am telling you this because I love you... as my daughter, I don't want to leave you in this world full of resentment and blaming yourself about what happened in the past . I am dying, Monica..."

Her mother's words hit the young woman from her thoughts, she slowly walked to the bedridden woman who had been diagnosed with cancer for six months .

"What are you saying, Mama... you won't leave me... you are all I have... please don't say that... my heart aches so much... you know you are my only support, Mama... if you leave me.. alone.. what will gonna happen to me? I've been through this since he left me... I am nothing, Ma... I'm only living in this world because of you... I can't give you what you want me to do... I'm suffering too much pain through the years... so please don't leave me... I know it's too much to ask, but if selfishness is the only way to make you stay with me forever, then so be it... I don't want to be left alone again, Mama..."

The young woman could no longer hold back her tears. Just thinking about her mother's situation felt like a knife stabbing her heart. It shattered her whole being.

Despite the situation , the mother tried to sit up, leaning against the headboard of the bed, and the young woman assisted her.

Her mother held her hands...

"Please do this for me... I'm dying, Monica... this is my only wish, please fulfill it... I feel that I won't last long in this world anymore ... my illness is consuming me... I want to stay by your side, but my body can no longer handle it, and I know the Lord will take me soon... Monica, my child... you are the greatest gift i have ever received in my life... my precious daughter, I love you so much... please grant my wish... I want to leave this world peaceful and contented, and that will only happen if you marry someone who can love you ... I have two months left to fix you.. your life... I will soon meet your father in heaven... I want him to know that you are okay and living a good life... please find a man, marry, and love him... don't let anger and self-blame consume you because of the tragedy that happened in the past... don't blame yourself, my child...God has a reason... please grant your mother's wish..."

Because of her mother's words, the young woman could no longer hold back her sobs. She knew her mother wouldn't last long, but she remained blind and selfish, hoping there was still a chance for her mother who had been suffering from stage 4 cancer for six months.

"Mama... you know I can't... I still can't bear the guilt... the past still haunts me as if it happened yesterday... it's hard--"

Her mother interrupted her, knowing why she still couldn't enter a relationship and start her own family. The young woman was still hurt and blamed herself for what happened in the past...

"If you continue to blame yourself and live a miserable life ... think of the people who died early, those who lost their way, and those desperate to have their own families... you are still lucky, Monica... haven't you thought about why you are still alive? Didn't you try to end your life several times, taking pills, cutting yourself, attempting to hang yourself, losing your mind, being taken to a mental hospital... but still, you survived... God has a reason for you, my child... don't waste it... your world doesn't revolve around in just one person... try to discover yourself, the world, and the people around you... it's not too late to change, Monica... opportunity is knocking at your door... try again to open your heart... HOPE is everywhere... LOVE is always there..."

Minutes passed in silence as the young woman absorbed her mother's words. She was struck by her mother's advices ... She realized now how many years she spent wallowing in guilt and self-blame. Her mother was right; she was the one hurting herself... She spent her time in sorrow, planning when to end her life while many people wanted to live and face changes... she couldn't stay like this forever... her mother was right; God had a plan for her...

She let out a long sigh before wiping away her tears and forced a smile at her mother.

"Mama... I can't promise you, but I will try for you and for the people who love me, including myself... your words hit me hard, Mama... why am I doing this to myself? Drowning in sorrow, guilt, and self-blame for six years? You are right, it's not too late to change... it won't be easy, especially since it still hurts me to think about what happened six years ago... why have I been worthless for six years, creating my own cage? I didn't realize that I wasn't the only one suffering in this situation... but also the people around me who love me... I'm really, really sorry, Ma... I was so selfish and didn't realize it..."

The young woman sobbed as the harsh reality hit her. She regretted what she had done... only now did she realize and open her eyes to the truth, just as her mother was about to leave her... she regretted not paying attention to her mother during the years they were together... she only thought of herself while her mother was deeply worried and didn't want to leave her miserable and without peace in life...

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