Part 1

Love life? What is my love life looks like? Umm, I could say nothing has change in the past years. I would fall in love deeply and be heartbroken to the highest way. Crush I had long ago, in my primary school years, always be with someone who is out of reach, and a big red flag. And now I am becoming a young adult, thinking what is the difference between then and now? And again, the answer is nothing. That sounds so gloomy, right? Sorry, for anybody who is reading this book might expect a good old romantic love story, that can have a wholesome ending that melts your hearts. But I am going to tell you, this book is not it.

But this story it’s like you are in a hat shop and trying out which hat that just fit right, complement you, and sometimes can protect you as well.

My first crush is with my math teacher, I was just in grade 3 and I don’t know, or I don’t remember why I am attracted to him, but I was fascinated by him. My heart skips a beat, and I like the attention he gave me when I am in a state of tantrum. I was not an easy kid to raise. Because I was such a troubled little kid, sometimes he would pay extra attention and want to help me, talk to me more, and I would really like it, so every time I was out of control, I would expect him to come to me, and calm me down. That is not a very good patterns of thoughts to have, and I am regretting all of these things that happen and choices I make with my impulsive brain. I did not want to keep daydreaming about him anymore, it was going out of control sometimes, I would replay the things he said to me. But with time I learn that this “feelings” I had was not something I want to continue, because first of all the age differences, and he is already married, and thirdly I was just a very little kid, with head full of fantasy. So, I decide to kill the feelings I had for him, by making distances from him. After a couple of months, I was already changing school, and never be able to see him again. That is the end of my crush for him.

There is one more crush I have at the exact same time with my math teacher, and it was my uncle, my father sister husband. I was, like before, have “feelings” and my heart skip a beat too. But it ended the more I get to know him, seeing him as a person, and the personalities he has, my crush feelings where gone, just like that. Because apparently, I was just blinded and over my own head. Thank God, it’s all gone now, the feelings I had for them. First, I thought it will always be with me, because that is my first taste of feelings some kind of “love” if you want to called that.

The next attractions I had after 3rd grade, was with a boy who sit next to me at school in Kuala Lumpur. It was weird, because for some kind of reason I was attracted to him, and this time he is around my age, but he somewhat bullies me, tease me, and thank God it’s not severe, but I was wondering why I like the “attentions” he gave to me, even though he was only playing around every time he is with me. And because of a bunch of reason, I was only in that school for like a week. I did not have the mental strength to be there, and do my studies. Now I am seeing a pattern that the big red flags on guys, was something I ignore.

I don’t know who can I tell this kind of embarrassing “feelings” to. That is seems too much for me, being confuse and dumb all the exact same time.

After one year and a half I was in Kuala Lumpur, I came back to Indonesia, Jakarta. My social circle and social life were none existed. But a couple of years later this one day, I don’t remember exactly, I think is around July or August, we get a news that my cousins from my mother side of the family; grandmother just had died. I knew her, but I’m not that close to her, only that I knew her a little bit, so to be honest I did not know how to accept the sad news. I was still adjusting being in Jakarta again, and my extended family was flying to Jakarta for the funeral. So, I get to see a bunch of my big family, and ones I don’t even met before, or at least I was only a small kid to remember them. I was still a very uncomfortable around them because people expect me to be like this perfect child, so I was playing a role, and hide my depression and anxiety where no one can see. Later that night when me and my girl’s cousins are in the funeral home, from a far I saw everyone was exited seeing there was a family coming from a far apparently, and my mother tell me to greet them. But when I saw them, I did not recognise them at all. And there was a boy my around our age who caught my attentions. I was trying to playing it cool, and act like I don’t seem nervous. I then to be like that, if someone caught my attentions I wouldn’t know how to act, and because of that I would always feeling inferior to them, and already put them on a pedestal, and I know that is ridiculous feeling to have, but that happen. Thank God I think I am getting better at finding out that I am more valuable than I even realize sometimes. So, when they were approaching us, one of my cousins said he looks like an Indian boy, because of a bit darker skin colour he has than the rest of them. It was such a terrible thing to say, but I laugh with them because I was nervous to greet them. I was telling her to stop making me laugh and then we were all introduce and exchange names, shaking their arms. After that my mom tell us that they are our family too, but we very rarely see them because they live out of Jakarta. My mom sits close to that boy, that is my cousin she said, and telling us just how an amazing musician he is. I was curious so I look at him, and seeing him blushing and deny the complement my mom gave to him. It was cute. After a couple of hours later we went home, and the funeral services was still in arrangement meeting, so tomorrow we would be going back to the funeral home. Tomorrow came and I did not give to much of a thought about what happen and at night when we were wanting to go home earlier than our parents, we saw them again, and was told to excuse ourself before going back home. Then the next day was the funeral service, I saw him holding an instrument and was sitting there with the musicians for the whole day, playing music for the service. He played beautifully, and my girl’s cousins was complimenting him so much and saying he is handsome and all that, even more because he can play an instrument, we were all joking and laugh a lot. We were not being considered to the other family who was grieving. My eyes would sometimes draw to him, so I was having a mixed feeling, because the big red flag he has on top of his head, was so big, I would hate myself to have attraction to him. I was screaming inside, saying he is my cousins and technically my own brother. When we told to hand out foods and water to people there, I was trying to not look at him and just ignore him, even though my eyes want to look at him more. But I can sense that he is too observing me, I mean us, and wanting to know us better, because we are family. After that we were on our way to the burial park. There the services went well and everybody was tired. We had a big photo session and then went home. I still like to think about them sometimes, but after a while I forgotten about him. Later that year my mom said that a bunch of the family I don’t even know were going to this big gettering somewhere, a party you can say. But because I was sick, I was even more don’t want to go. So, I stayed home. The new year was coming to greet us, so my mom decides to throw a party, and he came to my house. I was shock by him being here, because I was already not thinking about him again. After he go in inside the house, I was being my awkward self and shake his hand and squeeze it hard, I don’t even know why, and say “long time no see” to him. I can see that he was sick with flu, and not knowing anyone much in this house, so my girl’s cousins was teasing him, and we all laugh together, he seems to get along with everyone quite easily, he is an extrovert, and have that charisma than draw people to him. I think after a year later, there was another party, I know, I know my family really love to throw a party and have an excuse to see each other more. I guess that is kind of sweet of them, wanting to be close to each other. We are so lucky to have this such a big family. In January after new year’s, we get to see each other again, but this time my other cousins was late to the party or are not in Jakarta, so I was alone, there really no one around my age, so I sit beside my aunt. When the priest giving a sermon, suddenly they came, and that boy too. Late to the party and quietly grab a sit. They all was behind me, and so I am not trying to hard to seems desperate to meet him, I was greeting them first and starch my arm to them to wave “Hi”, but suddenly he reaches for my hands and we shake hands. To my surprise he then sits next to me the whole sermon. I was nervous because I don’t know him much at all. we only see each other a couple of times and I was not much of a talker. But after the sermon is over, I was trying to be brave and comment on how fast he was typing on his phone. He was on his phone and I tease him for it, he become embarrass because he is catting with a girl he liked. And then I was curious about their whole family. So, I talk to them more than I ever did before. I was still an awkward kid, so I did say some extremely embarrassing stuff, but at the exact same time he too was saying random stuff, and trying to make me laugh. And I’m sure it did works, and I kind of finding that he is a wired fellow like me too but a fun one, a fun one to have around. Like always I would regret talking to anyone, and in my head that night was just the things I feel that is wrong to say, or to do. overthinking all of it. All most every day I would replay my word I had said and hate myself for it. Then February came, my birthday month, I am depressed like every year I am. And the intrusive thoughts I have was killing me, and my extended family from my father side, was celebrating my birthday, but it does not feel like it, it was more like an “ambush”. So, I cried the whole night after they basically telling me that I am will never be good enough in their eyes. I was trying to hold back my tears so hard that day, and everything came out when I was about to go to sleep. Then at almost midnight I get a phone call from my him, my bro cousin. I was surprise, and thought he was butt dial me, or was with his friends and want to prank me. I don’t know why but, I always assume the worse from people. I answer the phone call, and says “hello”, he was wishing me happy birthday and then play his instrument to play the happy birthday song for me. I was completely confused and did not think it is true and I was speechless. Because I was so sad and was praying to God to help me, in my head I was just thanking Him, because I feel like God is giving me a hug to remind me, I am not alone in this battle inside my head. All I did was saying how sweet of him to play me a birthday song, and I cried when he was playing the song, he does not hear me crying. I say thank you a bunch of times. And he still wants to keep talking to me, but I was not in the right state of mind, I was not responding nicely, only a one-word reply. I don’t think he notice anything wrong, and I was too playing it cool, hiding myself, even though I want to cried at that exact moment. I did not think much about it, because I have a lot on my mind, and grateful God still there with me when I needed Him the most.

The next encounter of me with him was in a house party, and I was late to the party, then he said that he has been waiting for us, me and my cousins, to arrive. I was awkward like always because if I don’t know someone for long, I would overthink everything and be silly and can feel very exhausted trying to not messed it all up. So, at first, I was only looking at my phone, and he would trying so hard to get me talk to him, and be present in that party.

I was trying to wait for my girl’s cousins to help me, because I did not feel comfortable yet talking to him, so I look like a fool really. He has the quirkiest jokes, and mostly It was so cheesy too. It makes me laugh but wanting to throw up hearing his terrible pick-up lines.

And then learn that he does songs covers on YouTube, I would watch it, and think it was lovely, he is multi-talented I think to myself, someone I can look up too.

In the beginning of March I think, between February or March my mom’s cousin died suddenly, without any warning. Everyone was shock by his sudden death, no one was prepared for it. And he is the uncle of the boy I been wanting to not let my heart fall for.

After the news later that night we went to my distance uncle who has died, and I was preparing myself to see all of my extended family, everyone was so sad, and apparently, he came a bit later than I do. So, when I was about to sit down, I saw him hugging the body of his uncle, who is laying down and covered with white sheets. He was crying so hard, and I saw him from a far. Later when he a bit calmer, he went to the piano and play a few songs for us all. I was still just sitting down and looking at my phone, but I don’t know why I get up and trying to find the courage to said hello to him, and tell him that “I am sorry for your loss”. But I did not say anything, I was only hug him and no words came out of my mouth. Thankfully he accepted the hug I gave him, so it was not that awkward, and he says “happy belated birthday” to me, and I say “thank you”, then left him alone.

That night he sat next to me and trying to start up a conversation with me and the people around us too. All I did was listening to him telling the story of what has happen to our uncle. I was so sad and terrifying, I did not like hearing it. After a couple of hours later, we went back home, and actually there is still one more night of meeting before the funeral services begins. But I was not feeling good, my mind was racing, and could not get myself out of my anxiety and my depression was getting bad again, it was going up, up, and up, like a helium balloons. So, I stayed at home that night. I was only thinking of myself that night, I was so selfish.

“Tomorrow I would come with” I said to my parents, and they agreed, so the next day came, and the night before it was very hard for me to fall asleep, I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking about how am I going to greet all of my extended family with this brain of mine? We woke up early and went there again, it was a very long drive to get there. I saw him from a far, and the service begin, there was a time when we greet and hug all of the family member who my distant uncle left behind, they all was grieving so hard that they keep screaming, blaming them self for his death, and I was such a terrible thing to hear. At the end of the line, he was there, and when I going to hug him too, but I don’t know why, he did not move, so I was only standing over there being ignore. I was confused, so I just stood there like a fool, and embarrass if I am being the centre of attentions in the funeral service. But, after like a minute gone by, he looks at me with his doe eyes, and hug me, then cry so hard, that I did not expect him to be venerable to me like that. I comforted him, and can say nothing, the hug ligger for quite a long time. After that I was overwhelmed by all the sadness, I sense all around me. But I don’t what that day to be about me, so I just sit down and because I was on the edge that day, even though I want to behave, I am still had an argument with my parents, I don’t remember what it is about, but you can see it in my face just how grumpy I am really. Out of nowhere he walks to me and I was surprise he play with my hair bangs, and it’s like telling me to “calm down sis”, I was embarrassed he sees me angry and then he wants me to scoots over and gave him the seat next to me. he sat down and start to eat, and telling me to eat too. He said “I am so hungry, my hands are shaking”, I become honest to him and said “my hands too”, and showing him my hands that is shaking like crazy. But I believe he knows it’s not because of me being hungry, but it’s because of my anxiety, or at least that is what I think I guess, because his face change when he saw my hands. So, I think he knows I am hiding something behind my smile.

We talk, while he is eating, and it was nice, getting to know him better, I was a lot more comfortable with him then I was before, so we just talk and laugh together, I was trying my best to keep up with him, and be a “normal” cousin to him.

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