Love life? What is my love life looks like? Umm, I could say nothing has change in the past years. I would fall in love deeply and be heartbroken to the highest way. Crush I had long ago, in my primary school years, always be with someone who is out of reach, and a big red flag. And now I am becoming a young adult, thinking what is the difference between then and now? And again, the answer is nothing. That sounds so gloomy, right? Sorry, for anybody who is reading this book might expect a good old romantic love story, that can have a wholesome ending that melts your hearts. But I am going to tell you, this book is not it.

But this story it’s like you are in a hat shop and trying out which hat that just fit right, complement you, and sometimes can protect you as well.

My first crush is with my math teacher, I was just in grade 3 and I don’t know, or I don’t remember why I am attracted to him, but I was fascinated by him. My heart skips a beat, and I like the attention he gave me when I am in a state of tantrum. I was not an easy kid to raise. Because I was such a troubled little kid, sometimes he would pay extra attention and want to help me, talk to me more, and I would really like it, so every time I was out of control, I would expect him to come to me, and calm me down. That is not a very good patterns of thoughts to have, and I am regretting all of these things that happen and choices I make with my impulsive brain. I did not want to keep daydreaming about him anymore, it was going out of control sometimes, I would replay the things he said to me. But with time I learn that this “feelings” I had was not something I want to continue, because first of all the age differences, and he is already married, and thirdly I was just a very little kid, with head full of fantasy. So, I decide to kill the feelings I had for him, by making distances from him. After a couple of months, I was already changing school, and never be able to see him again. That is the end of my crush for him.

There is one more crush I have at the exact same time with my math teacher, and it was my uncle, my father sister husband. I was, like before, have “feelings” and my heart skip a beat too. But it ended the more I get to know him, seeing him as a person, and the personalities he has, my crush feelings where gone, just like that. Because apparently, I was just blinded and over my own head. Thank God, it’s all gone now, the feelings I had for them. First, I thought it will always be with me, because that is my first taste of feelings some kind of “love” if you want to called that.

The next attractions I had after 3rd grade, was with a boy who sit next to me at school in Kuala Lumpur. It was weird, because for some kind of reason I was attracted to him, and this time he is around my age, but he somewhat bullies me, tease me, and thank God it’s not severe, but I was wondering why I like the “attentions” he gave to me, even though he was only playing around every time he is with me. And because of a bunch of reason, I was only in that school for like a week. I did not have the mental strength to be there, and do my studies. Now I am seeing a pattern that the big red flags on guys, was something I ignore.

I don’t know who can I tell this kind of embarrassing “feelings” to. That is seems too much for me, being confuse and dumb all the exact same time.

After one year and a half I was in Kuala Lumpur, I came back to Indonesia, Jakarta. My social circle and social life were none existed. But a couple of years later this one day, I don’t remember exactly, I think is around July or August, we get a news that my cousins from my mother side of the family; grandmother just had died. I knew her, but I’m not that close to her, only that I knew her a little bit, so to be honest I did not know how to accept the sad news. I was still adjusting being in Jakarta again, and my extended family was flying to Jakarta for the funeral. So, I get to see a bunch of my big family, and ones I don’t even met before, or at least I was only a small kid to remember them. I was still a very uncomfortable around them because people expect me to be like this perfect child, so I was playing a role, and hide my depression and anxiety where no one can see. Later that night when me and my girl’s cousins are in the funeral home, from a far I saw everyone was exited seeing there was a family coming from a far apparently, and my mother tell me to greet them. But when I saw them, I did not recognise them at all. And there was a boy my around our age who caught my attentions. I was trying to playing it cool, and act like I don’t seem nervous. I then to be like that, if someone caught my attentions I wouldn’t know how to act, and because of that I would always feeling inferior to them, and already put them on a pedestal, and I know that is ridiculous feeling to have, but that happen. Thank God I think I am getting better at finding out that I am more valuable than I even realize sometimes. So, when they were approaching us, one of my cousins said he looks like an Indian boy, because of a bit darker skin colour he has than the rest of them. It was such a terrible thing to say, but I laugh with them because I was nervous to greet them. I was telling her to stop making me laugh and then we were all introduce and exchange names, shaking their arms. After that my mom tell us that they are our family too, but we very rarely see them because they live out of Jakarta. My mom sits close to that boy, that is my cousin she said, and telling us just how an amazing musician he is. I was curious so I look at him, and seeing him blushing and deny the complement my mom gave to him. It was cute. After a couple of hours later we went home, and the funeral services was still in arrangement meeting, so tomorrow we would be going back to the funeral home. Tomorrow came and I did not give to much of a thought about what happen and at night when we were wanting to go home earlier than our parents, we saw them again, and was told to excuse ourself before going back home. Then the next day was the funeral service, I saw him holding an instrument and was sitting there with the musicians for the whole day, playing music for the service. He played beautifully, and my girl’s cousins was complimenting him so much and saying he is handsome and all that, even more because he can play an instrument, we were all joking and laugh a lot. We were not being considered to the other family who was grieving. My eyes would sometimes draw to him, so I was having a mixed feeling, because the big red flag he has on top of his head, was so big, I would hate myself to have attraction to him. I was screaming inside, saying he is my cousins and technically my own brother. When we told to hand out foods and water to people there, I was trying to not look at him and just ignore him, even though my eyes want to look at him more. But I can sense that he is too observing me, I mean us, and wanting to know us better, because we are family. After that we were on our way to the burial park. There the services went well and everybody was tired. We had a big photo session and then went home. I still like to think about them sometimes, but after a while I forgotten about him. Later that year my mom said that a bunch of the family I don’t even know were going to this big gettering somewhere, a party you can say. But because I was sick, I was even more don’t want to go. So, I stayed home. The new year was coming to greet us, so my mom decides to throw a party, and he came to my house. I was shock by him being here, because I was already not thinking about him again. After he go in inside the house, I was being my awkward self and shake his hand and squeeze it hard, I don’t even know why, and say “long time no see” to him. I can see that he was sick with flu, and not knowing anyone much in this house, so my girl’s cousins was teasing him, and we all laugh together, he seems to get along with everyone quite easily, he is an extrovert, and have that charisma than draw people to him. I think after a year later, there was another party, I know, I know my family really love to throw a party and have an excuse to see each other more. I guess that is kind of sweet of them, wanting to be close to each other. We are so lucky to have this such a big family. In January after new year’s, we get to see each other again, but this time my other cousins was late to the party or are not in Jakarta, so I was alone, there really no one around my age, so I sit beside my aunt. When the priest giving a sermon, suddenly they came, and that boy too. Late to the party and quietly grab a sit. They all was behind me, and so I am not trying to hard to seems desperate to meet him, I was greeting them first and starch my arm to them to wave “Hi”, but suddenly he reaches for my hands and we shake hands. To my surprise he then sits next to me the whole sermon. I was nervous because I don’t know him much at all. we only see each other a couple of times and I was not much of a talker. But after the sermon is over, I was trying to be brave and comment on how fast he was typing on his phone. He was on his phone and I tease him for it, he become embarrass because he is catting with a girl he liked. And then I was curious about their whole family. So, I talk to them more than I ever did before. I was still an awkward kid, so I did say some extremely embarrassing stuff, but at the exact same time he too was saying random stuff, and trying to make me laugh. And I’m sure it did works, and I kind of finding that he is a wired fellow like me too but a fun one, a fun one to have around. Like always I would regret talking to anyone, and in my head that night was just the things I feel that is wrong to say, or to do. overthinking all of it. All most every day I would replay my word I had said and hate myself for it. Then February came, my birthday month, I am depressed like every year I am. And the intrusive thoughts I have was killing me, and my extended family from my father side, was celebrating my birthday, but it does not feel like it, it was more like an “ambush”. So, I cried the whole night after they basically telling me that I am will never be good enough in their eyes. I was trying to hold back my tears so hard that day, and everything came out when I was about to go to sleep. Then at almost midnight I get a phone call from my him, my bro cousin. I was surprise, and thought he was butt dial me, or was with his friends and want to prank me. I don’t know why but, I always assume the worse from people. I answer the phone call, and says “hello”, he was wishing me happy birthday and then play his instrument to play the happy birthday song for me. I was completely confused and did not think it is true and I was speechless. Because I was so sad and was praying to God to help me, in my head I was just thanking Him, because I feel like God is giving me a hug to remind me, I am not alone in this battle inside my head. All I did was saying how sweet of him to play me a birthday song, and I cried when he was playing the song, he does not hear me crying. I say thank you a bunch of times. And he still wants to keep talking to me, but I was not in the right state of mind, I was not responding nicely, only a one-word reply. I don’t think he notice anything wrong, and I was too playing it cool, hiding myself, even though I want to cried at that exact moment. I did not think much about it, because I have a lot on my mind, and grateful God still there with me when I needed Him the most.

The next encounter of me with him was in a house party, and I was late to the party, then he said that he has been waiting for us, me and my cousins, to arrive. I was awkward like always because if I don’t know someone for long, I would overthink everything and be silly and can feel very exhausted trying to not messed it all up. So, at first, I was only looking at my phone, and he would trying so hard to get me talk to him, and be present in that party.

I was trying to wait for my girl’s cousins to help me, because I did not feel comfortable yet talking to him, so I look like a fool really. He has the quirkiest jokes, and mostly It was so cheesy too. It makes me laugh but wanting to throw up hearing his terrible pick-up lines.

And then learn that he does songs covers on YouTube, I would watch it, and think it was lovely, he is multi-talented I think to myself, someone I can look up too.

In the beginning of March I think, between February or March my mom’s cousin died suddenly, without any warning. Everyone was shock by his sudden death, no one was prepared for it. And he is the uncle of the boy I been wanting to not let my heart fall for.

After the news later that night we went to my distance uncle who has died, and I was preparing myself to see all of my extended family, everyone was so sad, and apparently, he came a bit later than I do. So, when I was about to sit down, I saw him hugging the body of his uncle, who is laying down and covered with white sheets. He was crying so hard, and I saw him from a far. Later when he a bit calmer, he went to the piano and play a few songs for us all. I was still just sitting down and looking at my phone, but I don’t know why I get up and trying to find the courage to said hello to him, and tell him that “I am sorry for your loss”. But I did not say anything, I was only hug him and no words came out of my mouth. Thankfully he accepted the hug I gave him, so it was not that awkward, and he says “happy belated birthday” to me, and I say “thank you”, then left him alone.

That night he sat next to me and trying to start up a conversation with me and the people around us too. All I did was listening to him telling the story of what has happen to our uncle. I was so sad and terrifying, I did not like hearing it. After a couple of hours later, we went back home, and actually there is still one more night of meeting before the funeral services begins. But I was not feeling good, my mind was racing, and could not get myself out of my anxiety and my depression was getting bad again, it was going up, up, and up, like a helium balloons. So, I stayed at home that night. I was only thinking of myself that night, I was so selfish.

“Tomorrow I would come with” I said to my parents, and they agreed, so the next day came, and the night before it was very hard for me to fall asleep, I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking about how am I going to greet all of my extended family with this brain of mine? We woke up early and went there again, it was a very long drive to get there. I saw him from a far, and the service begin, there was a time when we greet and hug all of the family member who my distant uncle left behind, they all was grieving so hard that they keep screaming, blaming them self for his death, and I was such a terrible thing to hear. At the end of the line, he was there, and when I going to hug him too, but I don’t know why, he did not move, so I was only standing over there being ignore. I was confused, so I just stood there like a fool, and embarrass if I am being the centre of attentions in the funeral service. But, after like a minute gone by, he looks at me with his doe eyes, and hug me, then cry so hard, that I did not expect him to be venerable to me like that. I comforted him, and can say nothing, the hug ligger for quite a long time. After that I was overwhelmed by all the sadness, I sense all around me. But I don’t what that day to be about me, so I just sit down and because I was on the edge that day, even though I want to behave, I am still had an argument with my parents, I don’t remember what it is about, but you can see it in my face just how grumpy I am really. Out of nowhere he walks to me and I was surprise he play with my hair bangs, and it’s like telling me to “calm down sis”, I was embarrassed he sees me angry and then he wants me to scoots over and gave him the seat next to me. he sat down and start to eat, and telling me to eat too. He said “I am so hungry, my hands are shaking”, I become honest to him and said “my hands too”, and showing him my hands that is shaking like crazy. But I believe he knows it’s not because of me being hungry, but it’s because of my anxiety, or at least that is what I think I guess, because his face change when he saw my hands. So, I think he knows I am hiding something behind my smile.

We talk, while he is eating, and it was nice, getting to know him better, I was a lot more comfortable with him then I was before, so we just talk and laugh together, I was trying my best to keep up with him, and be a “normal” cousin to him.

In the same month, my uncle from my mother side passed away (it’s a different uncle) . And it was during the pandemic of Covid 19. My mother and my father helping my aunt who was left behind by her husband. Because my parents concern about me, I was told to just stay at home, so I did not go to the funeral home. But I beg to my father to allow me to at least go to the burial place. When he “okay”, I rush to get ready, and wait for him to pick me up. When we arrive to the burial place, I look at the red car, and the door was opening, then he came out. I can see that he wants to greet us. But I was quiet, I did not expect him to be there too. I really thought he will be super busy, like always. Because we arrive earlier than others, we all just stand there, waiting. After everyone finally arrive, the funeral service begins. I saw him opening the large bag pack he is holding, and he took out his saxophone, he played right next to me, I was thinking that this is bad, I keep having these “feelings” for him. So, to not think of the impossible, I move backwards, moving away from him.

In the same year, four of my extended family members passed away. It took a toll on my mental health. But I can’t imagine or compare the grieve they all felt to mine. Because of that we had been meeting each other more frequently. I was not wanting to communicate to him just yet, due to my fear of cannot keep this burning passion I felt for him. Even when he tried to talk to me, I would make some space around him. It looks weird, and I may have made him even more confuse. Now two years had passed, the pandemic was becoming little by little calmer. And to be announce the end of the pandemic.

Now that we can physically meet people, lots of people was so impatient to reunited with their love ones.

In the two years of quarantine, I made a decision to try to open up to other people, and let others into my life. So, I tried with the people I already know, what I mean is my extended family (because, I have zero friend back then). So, I tried chatting a lot more to him. Almost every day I chatted him, and he was willing to hear my rants, and my anxiety. In the middle of the night, I would like to call him, and even to the extent of waiting for him every night, because I chatted to him, about how he helps me get out from a very dark place. He called me, and panic. I think what I wrote to him, came across as like a suicide note. For him being that concern about me, makes me want to be closer to him. But like at the very time of meeting him, I know this can’t be anything other than brothers, and sisters’ relationship.

So, after a couple of months passed again, I took a courage to ask him to meet up with me in person, and eat sushi together. At first, he hesitates, I can tell he does not want to go to my house region, because our house is so far apart. But I tell him, I will be the one who go to the mall near his house. He agreed, and when the day came, my heart was beating so hard, and super hungry too. I don’t have the energy to talk, so I apologise for staying quiet during our meal together. After we ate, he asks me “why do you want to see me in person?”. I try to explained, saying “I have a target of a total of 5 people I want to meet up in person, so I can learn to see colours in my black and white world. And I want to get to know you better” I said. I think he gets it, and he start to tell me the story of his life and his family. He was very open, and did not hesitate to tell me almost all his secrets. He tells me that I am the first extended family to know the story. I sat there quietly listen to his rants, and feel sad hearing his past. In my heart, I was glad he wants to open to me too, so it’s not one-sided friendships, but at the exact same time, I was super confused about what to say, or do when there is someone in front of you being super venerable. I was doing my best to not make him feel bad, and tell him that what we have are a safe place, no judgement. I was glad to finally have a friend. He is my very first one I let into my world, even when I am terrified of it.

His grandmama was visiting to see all of her children, and my mother wants to see her. So, me, my mom, and my uncle together drove to my mother cousin’s house (the place where the grandmama stayed). When we were still on the way, I chatted him and ask if he would come or not? He said he will try if he can. So, I just assume that he is not coming. But to my surprise be came. He said “I said I’ll try, so here I am”, it was nice seeing him again, but not at a funeral this time. When I was there that day, my mindset was so messed up, because I just freshly open up a very old wound, so I was not stable, and on the verge of crying. When there are no other people, we are waiting for, we start to eat together. After dinner, he started playing the piano, I sat next to him, and ask him if I can chat with him. “I still have 30 minutes before I have to go to my band rehearsal” he said. Please note that I was in a state of wanting to scream my mind out. So, because of that I told him about my past, specifically about my trauma of sexual abuse when I was just a little girl. And said that the peoples who did it was in our family, it was my uncle. He goes quiet, and keep playing the piano, but with a face full of perplexity. “it’s not who I think it is right? Right?” he said it twice. Then I answered “no”, and he was relief. And after that he said that even if the ones who did it was a family member, I have the rights to cut them off, and don’t need to pretend that everything was okay, and nothing had ever happened. Just don’t listen to the one who don’t understand you. I had mixed feelings, because it feels good to have someone care about you, but not enough time to talk more with him. I felt like the 30 minutes went by quickly.

I was still not satisfied talking to him, so I force my mom and my uncle to drove me to meet him again in person. When I arrive, I can see that he was not eager to see me again, I think he is already exhausted to help me. But I push him hard, because the place was loud, sat next to him and tried to talk to him, but carefully, so no one can hear what I said to him. I felt like I need to tell him who is the ones who assaulted me. I told him, he just listens, and after 1 minute of silent, he said “I don’t think he meant to assault you, he must have a reason why”. I was so hurt by those words of his. I was disappointed, and angry too. But I did not show it to him. The only thing I say was “thank you for listening to me”.

That night I cried until I’m fall asleep. I did not call him anymore, or chatted him, because I had felt like I was being betrayed by the person whom I trust and close with.

I don’t remember when it is exactly, but I message him a long rant of the reason why I am mad at him. He freaks out and said that he did not hurt me, and he is super confused, because at that time I said thank you to him, so he did not understand me at all. and he felt like I am accusing him taking sides of the people who assaulted me (the funny thing is, that is want I am trying to tell him). He does not want the drama, so we stop communicating.

I feel like I messed up, even though I am truly mad at him, I was sad to lose a friend.

The next year came, and my cousin are getting married, so I was preparing myself on what to do when I see him again. Because I know he will be there. When I arrive to the church, I saw him first, and I just ignore him. But to my surprise he sees me and ask if I had already eaten? I said “yes”, and nodded to him. When the party start, and everyone trying to find somewhere to sit, he sees me again and called me to sit next to him. I sat down, and apologize to him about what I said that make you mad. He was cool with it. After that even though it’s still so awkward, I was relief to be able to talk to him again. In that party I can still sense that he is giving me a much bigger space then before. But I know the reason why, so I don’t really want to think about it anymore, it’s all in the past for me. Just because he was nice to me a little bit, and forgave me, my mind still plays the encounter on replay. I am weird like that. Overthinking about all of the little things, and thinking it’s a sign or something. I was lost in my mind, and I decided to take the very wrong turn. I chat him again in the middle of the night. Saying that I like him romantically. My hands were shaking.

I pressed the sent button. And wait for his reply. In my head I would be rejected, but at least let me down easily and I would be free from this “feelings” I have for him. But the opposite happened. He was furious, and said “what the F? we are cousins, you are basically my sister”. I know I said, but if we are not cousins, do you like me back? He was very uncomfortable with my questions, and he said that “nope, not at all, I have a specific type, and you are not one of them”. After that conversation, he never wants to talk to me again. Even when I am sending him all of the possible message, from apologize repeatedly to him, to just play like what I said never happened. And none of them work. This time I messed up even bigger than before. And a simple apology cannot do anything. Because I am the type of person who can’t take a hint, (the big red flag, and not taking the hint that he does not want to talk to me), I keep sending him message. And he never replies back or even read it. And then I saw that he blocks me on WhatsApp, so I message him in Instagram DM, saying “please just tell me straight that you don’t want to talk to me anymore”. Then he answers a couple of hours later, “Yes, I am very uncomfortable”. I read the notifications of it, and not open the DM, I just went straight to the unfollow button, and remove him from my follower. I choose to stop all of my efforts to mend what I had ruin. I was devastated losing a close friend because of the mistakes I made. I was so sad that only him that I think about.

Even though I tell myself to just stop it, don’t do anything anymore, but I went and talk to my uncle (his father), and tell him what had happened and the ruin relationship with his son. I told the condense version of the story, and get straight to the point, and tell him that its all my fault, so don’t get mad at him, I said. He (my uncle) was surprise, but remain calm, I don’t know how it is possible, but he just calmly tells me that, I can never be with him, because we are still a family, and that he will talk to his son, so that the condition can at least died down, and not full of fire. I can’t believe that my uncle did not mad at me, even after what I did to his son.

After all the drama that had happened, I was avoiding him, and he was avoiding me too. So, we don’t see each other, because it’s too exhausted to pretend that the relationship has not gone. But I feel a push of wanting to sending him a letter, a handwritten letter, in which I put in an envelope, and I ask my uncle to do me a favour, to help me give the letter to him. I told my uncle that “please tell him, it’s your choice to read it or not”. I was lucky that my uncle was very kind to me, he helps me to make peace with the situations. Now I am already in the stage of completely moving on from him. But, after I heard the news that he has a girlfriend now, I was back into feeling sad, and jealousy. Mainly because he looks so happy without me in his life. For a couple of days was hard, but after that I am just relief that he is not the “one” for me. I learn to not depend my happiness onto a boy.

Now every time we accidently encounter each other, I would stop talking, and not greet him, just completely ignoring him. But if he the one who chooses to greet me, I’ll take it without saying anything back. That is what I am comfortable with. Making a large space from him.

What is it that makes me attracted to him? I ask myself. And from what I see, he is my opposite. He is smart, kind, and good with people, fun to be around, goofy but sweet. Inside the letter I wrote for him, I told him that I admire you, but I was confused with the feeling of romantically attracted by you. I like you as my brother, and nothing more. I am sad losing my brother in a stupid way. So, I hope you accept my apologies, with you reading this letter, that mean I have a chance of forgiveness, at least that is what I think. But I will never know.

In Ramadan season a couple of years after I move back to my hometown, my parent’s best friends were hosting a party, a get together, and a reunion you could say. There I was introduce to my now one of my best friends, by my father former co-worker. Luckily, I am trying to make my circle of friends bigger, but I was still very selective of whom I invite in. So, when she introduces me to her, she said that, this girl (who is younger than me) is her daughter. I was surprise at first, because I have known her for years now, and that she only has a son. They never tell me that back in our hometown, her son has a sibling. The look of my face was very clear, that I was confuse. But after the introduction, I chatted with her, and she is such a lovely person, we just click together. we talk and exchange contacts and follow each other’s Instagram account. Then she said to me that she has another older brother too. And it’s not the one I knew, it’s a different person. So, in my mind, I was counting, they are three siblings in total. And she is the youngest. I did not ask too many questions about their origin, I was mainly just asks about her school, and trying to figure out her personalities. For meeting her for the first time, I can sense that she can be in my circle of friends. Even after that party, we continue to chat together, asking her “how are you?” too sometimes. I am the type of person likes to check on my friends, and supporting them always.

A couple of months later, the oldest brother, in their family, the one who I known to just be an only son, but apparently not. Are getting married soon, so my parents and me was invited to the wedding ceremony. I was so excited to meet all of them again. After I see her, I ran and said hello, and say “long time no see!”. She was surprise and glad to see me at the exact same time. After that I just stay close to her, because almost all the people who came to the wedding, I have never met, except the groom’s family. But when it was time to finally eat, we were separated, I ate with my parents and she is still need to greet all of the guests who came. I was feeling overwhelmed, because of the amount of people who came. After I ate, I went and search for her again. I saw that she was with a boy. And because I knew she has a brother, I figured there he is. And I was right. The boy next to her was her other older brother, the one I just recently knew about. He sees me coming from a far, and his sister have not notice me yet, so he taps her shoulder and pointed at me. She greets me again, and the introduction began. She said “this is my brother”, second oldest son in the family. We shake hands and he just react normally, and me too. But I can sense that in my mind, he is not in a good mood, or just shy? I don’t know why I think like that. I just brush it off my head. After a while, people a starting to go back home. And we were still together sitting on a chair in the corner. I saw that he was holding a plate full of foods, and I said “have you not eaten dinner yet?”, he answered “yes”, but have not touch the food he was holding. When I pointed at the plate, he said, it was rude of him if he eats and I’m not. Even after I told him that it is okay to eat, he’s still hesitance. We all end up just talking. And then I ask him if he has an Instagram or not? So, I follow him, and he too, follow me back. After that, I was called by my parents saying it’s time to go home. I was still wanting to be with them, but there is a family gathering that we need to attend to. So, I quickly say goodbye and we went to the car and drove to the restaurant where my extended family are waiting for us.

In the restaurant, he DM me via Instagram. I was surprise, because I was just about to message them both, and thank them for wanting to be my friends. In the DM he asks for my phone number. So, I gave it to him. After that in minutes he messages me again from WhatsApp this time, saying that “You are amazing” to me. After he said that, I laugh so hard, and say “I don’t believe you”. But he keeps on complementing me, because I wrote a bunch of my feelings and perception of this world on Instagram. Especially back then, my world was very black and white. Long story short, he tells me that even though my world is colourless, I am still giving colour to this world, whether I realise it or not. His words were very poetic. I can tell that he is someone who is so good with words, and he knows it. So, I took a turn in our conversation, saying can we all three go hangouts, meet up someday. And he and her sister agree. We arrange the date to when we are all free. I believe it was a month later we meet up at the mall, in the middle of where I am and where they are lived . After hanging out, I was happy and satisfied, I choose to let them into my life.

Even though we rarely see each other, due to our house being far away from each other’s, we three still keep in touch. And then I develop a feeling coming up for him. I like that he is serious, but at the exact same time he is funny. I can tell that he is the type who is academic, and he major in Law. It’s happening again, I said to myself, I am developing feelings to someone who I know that I cannot be with. And I tell myself that to let this feeling die, I need to tell him how I feel. Even though I had been here before, and last time I regret it. But at the exact same time, I feel a push to have to tell him. So, I did it, I message him. I wrote that “I know this coming out of nowhere, but I think I have a romantic feeling towards you. I know that our worlds are far apart, I still want to tell you how I feel”. He replies back, with words full of respect. He thanks me for liking him, but he could not accept me. He said that “the problem is not because we live in different life, he is just not in a good state of mind or not in the phase of life to be with someone”. I was confused at first, but eventually I understand, I cannot force him to be with me. I just answered saying “can we still be friends?” he said “of course!”. That is the start of me letting him go, and manage my feelings. There was a time where I was sad, and I chatted with his sister, whose I am already close with, and tell her everything. She was surprise, and ask me “what can I do to help?”. I said there is no need, I just want to tell you about it, because you are one of my best friends.

After all that, me and him rarely sees each other. It’s already been years since the last time we hangout the three of us. Now it’s only the two of us, me and his sister. I am so grateful to still have a healthy friendship with them both. I was still curious about their background, and I ask them bluntly “how come I never know you two are the other siblings? of whom I already consider my older brother”, their faces did not change, I thought that by asking them the question, they would not want to answer. But surprisingly they welcome me to their world. The answer they gave to me, makes me confuse, and sad at the same time. The short version of the story is they have been abandoning by their biological parents and are now adopted by my father co-worker, who is now their “mom”. But the one thing that makes me confuse, they said to me, that technically they are her younger siblings. Inside I was shock, but I don’t want to make them regret telling me the truth. So, I listen to them both sharing their story and not judging them at all. Just a friend who is willing to listen. I believe I am the only one who knew that it’s a lot more complicated than just her adopting them both. Now even after the very awkward “love” confession to him, I am now considered them as my family. And not seeing them differently just because of who is their biological parents.

I have a feeling that he is a gentleman. That is one of the reasons I fall for him. I was thinking as to why I can fall in love so quickly. I cannot control it, and I am embarrassed of my heart.

I may never been in a serious relationship before, because I am not that type of person who like to be in a romantic relationship just for fun. I am fully aware that I can get advantage of, some people think I am oblivious, but I am not. That is why I am very protective of my heart. It is not easy for me to let people in my world. I am friendly to people, but I still need to always continue to remind myself that there are good people out there, and not just bad ones. My fear of people has not died, they all have been fooled by my masked. But like everything, there is a positive side to it and a negative one too.

I would always try to not judge other people, because I know how it feels like to be constantly heavily judge on every little thing that you do. All of that makes me a very open-minded person, who a lot of people like, but I still feel like it is a small hole, that people can pry open and hurt me brutally.

I remain calm being content with being single. I don’t want to just randomly pick someone to be with. I have made that mistake before. I have not yet told you the story of the period of time where I look so despaired, and forcing myself into a situation that can be consider dangerous and end up making me traumatised. I feel so dumb, reflect on it, I was still always want a validation from other people. And it starts to leek into the world of romantic attractions. In the next part I will tell you the whole story of me meeting people and be in a place or communities where it is not a healthy one. At first, I had contemplated about should I tell this part of the story or not. But after all the thinking I have been doing, I believe we can all, yes “we”, me and you, us, can learn from my mistake, and try to reflect on it more deeply than ever before. Even I have been putting it off from writing these experiences on my diary, because it’s too embarrassing to the point of me just want to buried it on the ground. Out of side from anyone, erase it, but I know it is not possible. What I can do right now are just own up to my mistakes, and do not repeat it ever again.