Fleeting Life

This joyous day arrived so suddenly, my daughter was about to give birth to my first grandchild. One moment I was with her for a scheduled OB visit, and the next moment the doctor ordered that she be admitted. Now, in a pristine white hospital room, Caroline was in labor, about seven weeks too early. She refused to take any medication or receive an epidural, in fear that it may cause her baby health issues down the road. She has already endured more than eight hours of contractions.

Anthony, my son-in-law once again wiped away the beads of sweat that trickled down her face. Sitting on the bed facing her, he held her hand tightly as he patiently guided her through the breathing exercises.

I never told Caroline this, but let me tell you, don’t believe it when the nurses tell you it will help with the pain. Bull crap, it does nothing to relieve the pain.

Last time they checked, about an hour ago, she was only at eight centimeters. The wait was the hardest part for me, well also that incessant beeping from the monitor, was not pleasant either.

Suddenly, the beeping became fast and loud, and before we could even press the button, the doctor rushed into the room. Followed closely were three people in nurses uniforms and two in doctor lab coats, each brought with them an assortment of equipment including a baby examination table.

“Okay, it is time,” the doctor announced while donning the cover-all.

How does she know, when she hadn’t even checked if my daughter was fully dilated? And that beeping, rushing in, something’s wrong!

A nurse rushed over to press buttons on a monitor, and silenced the incessant beeping. Though it provided a welcomed moment of silence, it caused my heart to feel heavy. An ominous feeling was settling in. She gave Caroline an oxygen mask, then hoisted Caroline’s left leg up onto the stirrups.

Bewildered and not knowing what to do, Anthony robotically did what the doctor instructed. He moved to hoist Caroline’s right leg up onto the stirrups.

An "Ahh!” from Caroline brought my attention back to my daughter and I took my place next to her and coached her to breathe through the contractions. I saw from Caroline’s face that the pain was almost too much to bear, as another contraction started. The doctor warned her not to push just yet.

After the doctor finished donning gloves and a face shield, she positioned herself to check on Caroline. “Okay Caroline, it is time. I need you to start pushing on the next contraction, start slowly.”

After a dozen contractions had come and gone, Caroline protested that she couldn’t do this anymore and tried to remove the oxygen mask.

“You cannot remove this.” The nurse turned to stop her.

“No, I can’t breathe with this on, I feel like I am suffocating,” she protested.

"Just a couple more, I could already see the top of the head. I am going to give you a bit of local anesthesia because I’m going to give you a small cut and use suction to help with the process,'' the doctor encouraged.

Upon hearing that she would soon see her daughter, Caroline looked like she was fueled with renewed determination. “Okay,” was all she said.

Moments later, with a bit of concern lingering on the doctor’s words, "She's out."

The doctor didn't wait for the father to cut the umbilical cord, but did it herself, and immediately handed the baby to the nurse.

There was no crying.

The nurse brought the baby to the other side of the room where a team of doctors and nurses were already set up and waiting. They checked on the baby, and the nurse vigorously rubbed her. She was tiny. All wrapped up in the nurse’s hands, she seemed no bigger than a kitten.

I stood there staring over in that direction, paralyzed by the thought, "Why wasn’t she crying?"

Only when I heard the doctor calmly say, "Now, let’s concentrate on delivering the placenta,” did I turn and return my attention to Caroline.

Caroline had laid down from exhaustion after the birth, utterly exhausted from the delivery, she was covered with sweat. She was still breathing hard as she endured the residual contractions. After a bit,, she must have also realized something was wrong, as she asked, "Why isn't she crying?”

"It is time to deliver the placenta. Give me another big push," the doctor implored.

“Ahh!” She pushed and a blob of gelatinous gray mass spilled out of her. She calmed her breathing, turned her head, and looked across the room.

Suddenly stricken with emotions, tears started streaming down her face. She dishearteningly asked me, “Mom, what is happening?”

I just stood there looking at her. I didn’t know what to say. Ideas just would not form in my mind, and all I could muster was, “Uh”. As I continued to look down on her tear stricken face, my heart broke into a million pieces.

After a few more moments of silence, she suddenly became frantic, “What is going on?” practically screamed, “Please tell me.” She made big movements to try to get out of the stirrups.

The doctor called for the nurse to come and help. "Please hold her still while I finish sewing her up. Caroline, you really have to hold still while I finish here,” the doctor said patiently.

I tried to soothe her by stroking her hair, and telling her it would be alright. Being held back down, she took a few more deep breaths, calmed a bit. Seeing that she was obediently complying, the nurse let go.

Not moving, she yelled across the room, “Anthony! What is going on?”

Anthony, hesitantly turned away and left his position overlooking the frenzy of activity. Walked over to Caroline and said, “Honey, the cord was wrapped around her, I think the baby isn’t breathing.”

“No!” She screamed while shaking her head, she grabbed onto Anthony’s arm. A new wave of hot burning tears once again fell as she stared towards the area where the baby lay surrounded by nurses and doctors.

“Caroline, there’s nothing that you can do at this moment, please just trust them to do their job,” the doctor said compassionately, as she continued her sutures.

Moments passed, and suddenly the frenzy of activity stopped.

A loud resounding, “Waa!” and with it feelings of relief and joy bloomed throughout the room. As the pediatrician did a final check, one by one the others walked out of the room, with smiles and words of congratulations.

A single nurse was left to clean the baby. She wrapped her up tightly, and handed the little bundle to dad. Anthony held her gently and brought their precious bundle over to Caroline. Standing next to her bed, he just waited until Caroline was helped to sit up. As he stared down at that little face, he looked so happy.

When Caroline was ready, he gently handed her off to his wife. Their eyes met and at that moment nothing needed to be said, their smiles told me that at that moment, life was just perfect.

Click! And I am so glad I am here to capture it.

After another two weeks in the hospital due to other complications, the baby was ready to go home. Ariana ZhiYin Nan was soundly sleeping in the baby carrier for the hour drive home. The sun was already setting by the time they discharged my granddaughter. As we stepped out of the hospital, the amber glow of the sunset casted beautiful soft rays of light upon her plump round face. She really had filled out a bit during her stay at the hospital.

Anthony drove us home, traffic was light. I just couldn’t help but look back at my new granddaughter and oh, the joy on my own daughter’s face. Life just couldn’t have given me a better gift. Finally, they were able to bring their daughter home. I knew that Caroline was so hurt, when she had to leave the hospital without Ariana.

When we arrived at their house, they walked in with the baby while I carried the baby bag in. She placed Ariana down in her soft comfy crib. The room had been decorated in hues of soft light yellows. Daisies in fields of grass danced on the walls and it also adorned the bedding. It was even pictured on the lamp shade and area rug. The floor lamp shines down, casting warm soft shadows of daisies onto the dimly lit room. My favorite feature was the beige rocking chair underneath the lamp. I’ve imagined reading bedtime stories to this precious little one in the days to come.

Days started flying by and the new parents finally started falling in stride; life with a new baby was not simple. I helped to cook and wash but caring for the child was all on them.

Caroline woke 3 to 4 times to feed Ariana at night. On this particular morning the sun was already coming up, I awoke to the sound of running water from the shower and shortly after I heard footsteps trekking the short distance from the master bedroom leading to Ariana’s room. I tried to ignore it and drifted slowly back to sleep. Maybe just a couple more minutes of shuteye before I prepared breakfast. Suddenly, I heard her scream for Anthony, who I heard barrel into the room, then frantically ran back. I got up as quickly as possible, donned my robe and rushed to the baby’s room. When I reached the hallway, I heard him say, “911, this is an emergency! Please send an ambulance, my baby is not breathing!”

I held Caroline, as she tightly cradled Ariana. Within minutes the ambulance was there and I stepped into the corner to stay out of the way. The paramedics had to pry Ariana out of Caroline’s arms before they started CPR. Anthony supported Caroline who whimpered as they looked on. After a short while, as they continued CPR, they loaded the parents and Ariana into the ambulance.

I watched a bit as they drove off, numb from the shock. A gust of cold wind helped me snap out of it, I quickly changed and drove to the hospital. When I arrived, I found out that Caroline had fainted from hearing that Ariana was already gone.

I tried to stay strong, but tears welled up. I just couldn’t let them see me this way. So, I cried for a while in the hospital waiting room until I was finally able to call Anthony’s parents to inform them of what happened and ask for them to come.

When I was done, I searched for Caroline’s room and when I stood in the doorway, I saw Anthony solemnly holding Ariana sitting next to Caroline’s bed. He was waiting until she woke up, so that they could both say their final goodbyes. Tears just could not be stopped, so I stepped back out into the hallway. Sat on the nearest chair and openly cried to ease the pain in my heart.

Meanwhile, Ariana’s soul traveled to the underworld.

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