I couldn't help but to hate myself more

Kazou Arakaki:

After I reached school I saw Miyoko and her friend laughing along the way.I was happy to see her like this and was so thankful to see her with a friend atleast she didn't went through it all by herself.

While I was lost in thoughts,my friend surprised me from behind and caught me staring her,"Staring at Miyoko huh!All these years we've been studying at the same school and she doesn't even know our names."he said."what do you mean by that?"I asked curiously."She doesn't remember any of us, she's suffering from alzhiemer,she tends to forget things easily but in her case she has trouble remembering people she doesn't remember anyone except her family and her friend."

At that time I couldn't help but to hate myself even more.The fact that I hurt someone who can't even remember who did it no wonder she's always nice to me even after I hurt her.Why ?Why does it have to be like this.Why did I had to exists.

All of a sudden,I wanted her to remember me so badly,to remember what I did,I wanted her to give me all the hate and cruelty I deserve.I just wanted her to remember who I was.

Entering the class I saw Miyoko sitting at her desk staring outside the window,a look so calm and peaceful.I wonder what she was thinking.

I went to sit at my desk,I just sat there quietly,Miyoko was still staring outside the window.

The bell rang and everyone took to their seat,the teacher came in along with a new student,his name was Hiroshi.He looked familiar,I tried recalling my memories and somehow i could get some flashbacks, he used to study here too he came here the year I got suspended.He told me once that his father used to get transferred alot due to his work so he uses to change school every year.He sat next to Kaede,since most of the benches at the back were unoccupied.

As the classes ended,it was lunch time,I went to the canteen to buy lunch but it was so crowded today,there was a long wait and almost all the food were finished I was the fourth last waiting and Kaede and Miyoko were the last,the food got finished before Miyoko's turn,so I lended her mine.She hesitated but I insisted her to take it.Then I looked to Kaede and asked her if we could talk after lunch.

I was waiting for Kaede in the school park,I thought she wouldn't show up but she did.She seemed a little bit fierced,and asked,"What is it you wanna say?","It is about Miyoko..."I asked."You finally come to know,why do you have to care about her?Back then you used to bully her everyday but poor Miyoko she didn't even know who did it so she can't even hate you.You don't have to remind her of the bad things you did to her.She's already suffered through alot and I don't want her to suffer more.Back then you bullied her liked you hated even to see her face and now you come back to make amends.She doesn't remember what you did and it's better to stay that way,I don't want to see her hurt again.So should better stay out of her way."she turned around and left without saying another thing.

I went back to class and saw Miyoko and Hiroshi laughing together along with Kaede.I was happy seeing her like this.I went quietly to my desk and I thought of not disturbing them but unfortunately they couldn't just ignore me sitting next to them,alone.

"Kazou Arakaki,it's been so long."as I looked upwards I saw Hiroshi,didn't changed a bit, always kind and smart.

We weren't friends back then,he also never talks to anyone except Miyoko.And Kaede and Miyoko weren't friends back then.

They had alot to talk about I could not care less as I was busy with my own thoughts but I couldn't help but overheard when Hiroshi was talking about Miyoko's dairy,he found it. Suddenly there was a silence between them.Then he ended the conversation and said,"I'll bring it tomorrow at class,I didn't thought you'd still be here.I thought of giving it back to you that day itself but you were home and I couldn't even visit you because we had to urgently moved that time.So I kept it with me till now I thought I wouldn't be able to give it back to you."

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