A past of regrets

Kazou Arakaki:

8th May 2018,After a few years I came back to study at the same school I used to study when I was young,The reason I went to study abroad was because I got the suspended,I was bullying a girl and her parent's came to know about this and reported it to the School a few days after the incident.

When I came back,I saw some of my old friends,the same old teachers and Miyoko Hasegawa.

During lunch time I was sitting alone next to her seat and she turned at me and said,"Lets go,I'll show you around the school."I agreed and went with her even though i was familiar with it since I used to study here before.

The way she talked to me that day was like she didn't even know me,the guy who bullied her everyday at school.

I kept saying sorry to her that day but she kept ignoring it and kept showing me around.

While she was doing her think I realised that she hasn't introduced anyone to me yet,not her classmates nor frienda.She rarely talks to anyone back then also till now,hasn't she any friends or was she scared to make any because of that incident.

Thoughts filled up my mind.But then a girl came to introduced herself to me,her name was Rumiko and she introduced me to everyone in class.

The rest of the day we spent at the classroom,we kept silent and didn't speak a word but then Hoshi came inside along with her friends.I knew her since we were friends before and I also had a crush on her back then and maybe I still do.I kept staring at her,she hasn't changed a bit what was more surprising was that Miyoko also kept staring at her as if she didn't knew her.That day was totally awkward.

The next day I catched up with all my old friends and we were talking about our past and then Miyoko and Kaede came inside the classroom,Miyoko sat at the side of the window and I sat next to her and Kaede was sitting next to me.At that time she introduced Kaede to me she was the only person she seem to know.

Everyone seemed to remember me except her and I didn't expect her to remember because I've hurt her alot.

I was going to apologized again but then my friends were calling me so I had to go.

The day just passed and I couldn't apologized to her.

The next day was the same I was busy catching up with my friends and all and I couldn't talk to her except after the last class I turned to look at her and asked her if she remembered me and she said,"Your name is Kazou Arakaki,so I still remember you,"ignoring the fact that I used to bully her before but I reminded her again and I apologized to her and she said nothing and just got up from her seat and went out.

At that time I felt this hatred in my heart,this feeling that hated myself.I used to bully her so much everyday but she always used to come back the next day as if nothing happened and be all friendly and I would do was bully her again.How come she could forgive someone that easily as if hate wasn't a part of her.

10th May ,I woke up,I dreamt of her again.Isnatched her dairy from her hand and she would struggle to get it back she was about to cry and I threw her dairy down the bridge.She burst into tears,I saw that hatred in her eyes and that she wouldn't talk to me anymore.She jumped off the bridge without any hesitation or fear as if that dairy was a part of her heart and that she would die if she didn't get it back.That day I couldn't do anything but I just stood there and watched her and her friend struggled to search for it.

My father called me for breakfast,as I was eating I was thinking about her,her kindness her braveness and how strong she was to come to school with a smile on her face,except the next day after that incident she was crying all the time,she tried controlling herself during class and she would burst into tears again,I just sat there thinking about what I've done even at the bridge I just stood at a distant while she was crying and looking for her dairy.I wanted to apologies to her of what I did but she felt sick the day after that and I got suspended and I did not have the chance,that was the last time I saw her.

Recalling it I felt sick of myself,I didn't want to go to school,I didn't want to see her so kind and innocent and strong.There isn't even a pinched of hatred on het,to her it was like nothing happened.

I don't deserve this,I don't deserve this.Hatred and cruelty is what I deserve but I don't seem to get any so I started having myself.

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