Talking to myself

Life is hard as always.

Would it have been a bit different if I had made any effort?

By effort, what do you mean?

Do you think I haven't made any effort in my life?

Do you even know, how I actually feel deep down?

Do you know how hard I have tried to stay alive?

You are myself but you don't know anything about me.

I am tired physically and mentally.

It's hard to live .

It's hard to find any muse in my life.

Where there is no muse, how am I supposed to live?

You are myself but you are not helping me.

It's not like I haven't tried.

It's hard enough to continue breathing and yet all you talk about is my efforts in life.

Can't you ever say something nice to boost me, to keep me sane , to keep me alive?

I am trying hard myself.

I am trying to keep myself optimistic, thinking that everything will be good in the coming future.

And you know, what's surprising?

I have been waiting for that future for a long time.

Yet I haven't achieved anything.

I'm a loser. I know you don't have to keep repeating.

If you keep thinking about myself like that then I'll lose myself.

Once that happens then I don't know what I'll do ....

Just........life is hard.

Yeah I agree , maybe I was always seeking for an easier route in life but still what about all the struggles I have been through?

Was that nothing that made me feel this miserable?

Was that all in my head? Imaginations? Hallucinations???

But what about all the time I cried?

What about all the tears shed by my mother?

Do you still believe that my sufferings are all pretend and nothing at all?

Do you know what I want the most in my life?

My mother's happiness.

Sometimes I wonder how she kept all those worries piled up within her, how did she managed all these time, she must have some kind of super power.

I know I have been through only 1% of troubles that my mother had been in her life.

But still I'm suffering.

Am I selfish that I want happiness in my life?

Some people say everything thing happens for a good reason...... I want laugh at them , I want to ask them if they have been through that or who told them that phrase?

I'm just frustrated. I'm just sad. I'm just angry. I'm just mad that nothing goes my way .

I am allowed to feel that way right?

I must have been a terrible person in my past life that I'm suffering this way .

Okay let me suffer but can you freed my mother?

She is an amazing person . She can never think bad about others but why is she suffering along with me?

I wish my brother was here with us.

He always cared about everyone before him.

Oh now I get it why I was this frustrated and sad ...

I always had my brother supporting me I never had to worry about anything but now I had a lot on my shoulder......and my brother is no where near me.

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