Life is hard as always.

Would it have been a bit different if I had made any effort?

By effort, what do you mean?

Do you think I haven't made any effort in my life?

Do you even know, how I actually feel deep down?

Do you know how hard I have tried to stay alive?

You are myself but you don't know anything about me.

I am tired physically and mentally.

It's hard to live .

It's hard to find any muse in my life.

Where there is no muse, how am I supposed to live?

You are myself but you are not helping me.

It's not like I haven't tried.

It's hard enough to continue breathing and yet all you talk about is my efforts in life.

Can't you ever say something nice to boost me, to keep me sane , to keep me alive?

I am trying hard myself.

I am trying to keep myself optimistic, thinking that everything will be good in the coming future.

And you know, what's surprising?

I have been waiting for that future for a long time.

Yet I haven't achieved anything.

I'm a loser. I know you don't have to keep repeating.

If you keep thinking about myself like that then I'll lose myself.

Once that happens then I don't know what I'll do ....

Just........life is hard.

Yeah I agree , maybe I was always seeking for an easier route in life but still what about all the struggles I have been through?

Was that nothing that made me feel this miserable?

Was that all in my head? Imaginations? Hallucinations???

But what about all the time I cried?

What about all the tears shed by my mother?

Do you still believe that my sufferings are all pretend and nothing at all?

Do you know what I want the most in my life?

My mother's happiness.

Sometimes I wonder how she kept all those worries piled up within her, how did she managed all these time, she must have some kind of super power.

I know I have been through only 1% of troubles that my mother had been in her life.

But still I'm suffering.

Am I selfish that I want happiness in my life?

Some people say everything thing happens for a good reason...... I want laugh at them , I want to ask them if they have been through that or who told them that phrase?

I'm just frustrated. I'm just sad. I'm just angry. I'm just mad that nothing goes my way .

I am allowed to feel that way right?

I must have been a terrible person in my past life that I'm suffering this way .

Okay let me suffer but can you freed my mother?

She is an amazing person . She can never think bad about others but why is she suffering along with me?

I wish my brother was here with us.

He always cared about everyone before him.

Oh now I get it why I was this frustrated and sad ...

I always had my brother supporting me I never had to worry about anything but now I had a lot on my shoulder......and my brother is no where near me.

My mother has always been an amazing person to me at least.

My grandparents moved to this country when she was 6 years old. My mother was always loved by her father but her mother was always cold towards her.

My mother was always willing to learn new things.

When she was 7 she was handling all household chores. Growing up she did all kinds of work.

When she hit 16 . She was absolutely beautiful.

Boys would be following her here and there like butterflies around a flower . She was beautiful, her grades were amazing, she was popular, she was always helping other. She was perfect that's why someone got jealous.

One day she met someone to borrow a book and that was the starting point of rollercoaster ride of her life. The woman she met that day was a witch and she made my mother sick of book , schools, everything. That day onward my mother couldn't take a single glance at book and whenever she did she cried.

Her parents decided to take her to treat and thought education comes after health. Yeah I totally agree . But what we never expected was the betrayal from her mother and her brother.

Her mother took her somewhere she never had been before and forced her to get married to someone stranger.

My mother had no any choice. My mother her all life never had been in hills. Yeah as you expected her life was not easy.

She did her best to survive there. She would work all day and get home to be raped by her own husband and beat her to pulp.

At least her mother in law was supporting her but alas her husband's siblings and himself would beat her as well.

She had her first child at 19 and second at 21 but it wasn't easy.

She would get a chance to get back to her father's house whenever she was pregnant but her mother was cruel and cold.

After delivery she would have to go to jungle to gather woods.

My mother always complained if her mother was never her mother. She always wonder if she wasn't her real daughter. My mother never had enough milk for her children.

As she was back at her father's house she wanted to settle there and not return to her husband's house.

That's why she started sewing and even bought a sewing machine but it didn't even lasted long as her own mother sold it and forced her to return.

Some how she was living for her child.

She had no hope .

She was living as if she is dead .

At least she left her first and second children with her mother in fear that he would throw her out of the window like he did one day when he was drunk .

Finally, I was conceived. All my mother's children were never out of love . She her husband never stop beating her. And this time she thought if she still kept facing this shit then it will keep happening her entire life and with courage and her eight months unborn, she left with the promise in her heart that she will return on the day he die.

That day she was finally freed.

Was she really though?....