The Thing's I Saved For Later
Doctor Date: Test Result
Sam is sitting in the doctor's room with her doctor and a counsellor. There is an envelope in the doctor's hands.
Doctor
I have received the results from your blood test. They are also recorded in this report?
Doctor
I can tell you the results or I can pass you the report for you to read if you would rather read it yourself...
Doctor
What would you like me to do? The doctor asks as she passes Sam the envelope that contains Sam's disease diagnosis report?
Sam
*the results. Uuuuuuummmmm. Yes - I came here for the results*
Sam
*Now that I am here I am not too sure if I want to know the results*
Sam
*If I test positive I'll know I am really dying so I can plan for it, but. . . *
Sam
*. . . if I test negative I'll be free*
Sam
(begging and praying in her thoughts) *OMG - I hope I am negative. Please God - BE NEGATIVE! *
Sam
* ... PLEASE BE NEGATIVE!! *
Sam
* ... PLEASE BE NEGATIVE!!!*
Sam
* If it's positive - it's still better for me to know. Accepting the reality gives its own sense of peace to one's soul. I will be able to confront the situation head on and move forward on my life's journey *
Sam
*Please free me from this curse*
Doctor
(speaking in a gentle voice to get Sam's attention) Sam... Please let me know if you would like the results told to you or you would like to read them yourself? I have another urgent patient waiting for me so once I have told you I will leave you with the councillor. Whatever the results is, the councillor is better at helping you with emotions so they are better at talking and listening than doctors. I hope you understand???
Sam
(shaken out of her begging and praying to the universe) Yes. Thank-you doctor. I understand.
Sam
The results. I am here to get them. If it's ok with you I'd like to read the report by myself and process my feelings and thoughts for a bit before the councillor comes back in.
Doctor
Ok. I'm crossing my fingers for you. I hope you get the result you are hoping for.
Doctor
The councilor and I will both leave you alone to read your diagnosis. I'll say goodbye now because I am fully booked today and won't have a chance to see you again. If the results are negative- I will not need to see you again so it will be Good Bye. If it is positive the councillor can help you make any follow up appointments. When we leave the room - the councillor will leave the room and knock on the door every 5 minutes. When you have read the report and are ready to talk to them about it then you will need to tell them it's ok for them to enter.
Sam
Ok. Yes - I understand.
Sam
No offence - but I hope it is Good-bye for us. (Sam trying to lighten the mood with a joke)
Doctor
(laughing gently) I also hope it is Good-bye and I don't have to see you again. *I wish all my patients tested negative. I hate telling people that they are about to die. Luckily the social worker does most of the emotional support because my heart breaks everytime I hear a patient is reported positive.*
The doctor and the councillor stand up and leave the room.
Sam is now sitting in the room by herself. All her nerves have been ****** into over drive to the point where she can feel every cell in her body is alive - and trembling in fear. She doesn't want to know if she's dying.
Sam's emotions right now are like clothes in a washing machine. They are being tumbled up and down and left and right... Wishey... washey... Tumbled around and around... and around again in all directions... in a fixed body with nowhere to escape. She needs to tell herself to remember to breathe...
*I'm so scared I can't even remember to breathe... but... luckily breathing is on auto-pilot in a human's body. Even if I'm so scared that I accidentally hold my breath; My body will reach a point where it will suck air into my nose and create a way to unlock. As my nose breathes in air, it creates an opening, from which, I can let my emotions escape enough for me to remember where I am and my purpose here....*
*My purpose here is to get my results*
*My results... are in this envelope*
*I need to open the envelope and read the results*
*I am a grown woman. I have spent time thinking about this decision and know that I am here because I want to know the results*
*I need to trust myself and get this over with. I have to do it*
*I have to face it- it's better for me to face it and know*
*Even though I am scared- I know and trust in myself. I can do this*
The last 9 thoughts are repeated in Sam's mind like a Mantra until eventually, with a hardened but calm resolve; she opens the envelope.
(Sam reading to herself) This report confirms that Sam ??????? has tested positive to carrying the gene. There is 100% chance that she is a carrier of the disease.
In an instant the world Sam knew becomes silent. While before reading the results her nerves were on over-drive. Now an "automatic shut-down" has been generated in her body. She feels numb to everything in her body, in the room and even in the wide world around her. Every now and again, she hears a knocking but it seems distant and not relevant to her.
Sam sits like this for a time. She doesn't actually register if it's a long time or a short time because her body has stopped processing anything while in "Shut-down Mode".
Eventually, her senses come back to herself. Not actually within her ability to control but enough that she can hear the gentle knocking at the door and remember that she needs to talk to the councillor before she can go home. Home... Home is all of a sudden where she desperately wants to be right now. Snuggled in bed or on the couch, hidden under the doona. Letting herself feel whatever emotion she needs to feel while she processes the results that she has just read to herself. Cry... punch... fight... angry... sad... this is toooooo hard right about now... I need to go home....
Sam
*Home - what do I need to do here to get myself home*
Sam
*Talk to the councillor. Let the councillor help guide through setting up a follow up appointment and I will be able to go home.*
Sam
Sam doesn't remember the conversation with the counsellor, the taxi ride home, or how she unlocked her house and let herself in. However, she trusts herself enough to know that she can get home ok with her body now gearing into a subconscious "Auto-pilot" function.
Sam
Sam spends the next few days at home processing her results. This is a constant rollercoaster of almost every emotion a person can feel. No particular thought or feeling is right or wrong in any situation. She just needs to let herself feel them in a way where she isn't hurting herself or other people.
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