The Thing's I Saved For Later
Doctor Date: Test Result
Sam is sitting in the doctor's room with her doctor and a counsellor. There is an envelope in the doctor's hands.
Doctor
I have received the results from your blood test. They are also recorded in this report?
Doctor
I can tell you the results or I can pass you the report for you to read if you would rather read it yourself...
Doctor
What would you like me to do? The doctor asks as she passes Sam the envelope that contains Sam's disease diagnosis report?
Sam
*the results. Uuuuuuummmmm. Yes - I came here for the results*
Sam
*Now that I am here I am not too sure if I want to know the results*
Sam
*If I test positive I'll know I am really dying so I can plan for it, but. . . *
Sam
*. . . if I test negative I'll be free*
Sam
(begging and praying in her thoughts) *OMG - I hope I am negative. Please God - BE NEGATIVE! *
Sam
* ... PLEASE BE NEGATIVE!! *
Sam
* ... PLEASE BE NEGATIVE!!!*
Sam
* If it's positive - it's still better for me to know. Accepting the reality gives its own sense of peace to one's soul. I will be able to confront the situation head on and move forward on my life's journey *
Sam
*Please free me from this curse*
Doctor
(speaking in a gentle voice to get Sam's attention) Sam... Please let me know if you would like the results told to you or you would like to read them yourself? I have another urgent patient waiting for me so once I have told you I will leave you with the councillor. Whatever the results is, the councillor is better at helping you with emotions so they are better at talking and listening than doctors. I hope you understand???
Sam
(shaken out of her begging and praying to the universe) Yes. Thank-you doctor. I understand.
Sam
The results. I am here to get them. If it's ok with you I'd like to read the report by myself and process my feelings and thoughts for a bit before the councillor comes back in.
Doctor
Ok. I'm crossing my fingers for you. I hope you get the result you are hoping for.
Doctor
The councilor and I will both leave you alone to read your diagnosis. I'll say goodbye now because I am fully booked today and won't have a chance to see you again. If the results are negative- I will not need to see you again so it will be Good Bye. If it is positive the councillor can help you make any follow up appointments. When we leave the room - the councillor will leave the room and knock on the door every 5 minutes. When you have read the report and are ready to talk to them about it then you will need to tell them it's ok for them to enter.
Sam
Ok. Yes - I understand.
Sam
No offence - but I hope it is Good-bye for us. (Sam trying to lighten the mood with a joke)
Doctor
(laughing gently) I also hope it is Good-bye and I don't have to see you again. *I wish all my patients tested negative. I hate telling people that they are about to die. Luckily the social worker does most of the emotional support because my heart breaks everytime I hear a patient is reported positive.*
The doctor and the councillor stand up and leave the room.
Sam is now sitting in the room by herself. All her nerves have been ****** into over drive to the point where she can feel every cell in her body is alive - and trembling in fear. She doesn't want to know if she's dying.
Sam's emotions right now are like clothes in a washing machine. They are being tumbled up and down and left and right... Wishey... washey... Tumbled around and around... and around again in all directions... in a fixed body with nowhere to escape. She needs to tell herself to remember to breathe...
*I'm so scared I can't even remember to breathe... but... luckily breathing is on auto-pilot in a human's body. Even if I'm so scared that I accidentally hold my breath; My body will reach a point where it will suck air into my nose and create a way to unlock. As my nose breathes in air, it creates an opening, from which, I can let my emotions escape enough for me to remember where I am and my purpose here....*
*My purpose here is to get my results*
*My results... are in this envelope*
*I need to open the envelope and read the results*
*I am a grown woman. I have spent time thinking about this decision and know that I am here because I want to know the results*
*I need to trust myself and get this over with. I have to do it*
*I have to face it- it's better for me to face it and know*
*Even though I am scared- I know and trust in myself. I can do this*
The last 9 thoughts are repeated in Sam's mind like a Mantra until eventually, with a hardened but calm resolve; she opens the envelope.
(Sam reading to herself) This report confirms that Sam ??????? has tested positive to carrying the gene. There is 100% chance that she is a carrier of the disease.
In an instant the world Sam knew becomes silent. While before reading the results her nerves were on over-drive. Now an "automatic shut-down" has been generated in her body. She feels numb to everything in her body, in the room and even in the wide world around her. Every now and again, she hears a knocking but it seems distant and not relevant to her.
Sam sits like this for a time. She doesn't actually register if it's a long time or a short time because her body has stopped processing anything while in "Shut-down Mode".
Eventually, her senses come back to herself. Not actually within her ability to control but enough that she can hear the gentle knocking at the door and remember that she needs to talk to the councillor before she can go home. Home... Home is all of a sudden where she desperately wants to be right now. Snuggled in bed or on the couch, hidden under the doona. Letting herself feel whatever emotion she needs to feel while she processes the results that she has just read to herself. Cry... punch... fight... angry... sad... this is toooooo hard right about now... I need to go home....
Sam
*Home - what do I need to do here to get myself home*
Sam
*Talk to the councillor. Let the councillor help guide through setting up a follow up appointment and I will be able to go home.*
Sam
Sam doesn't remember the conversation with the counsellor, the taxi ride home, or how she unlocked her house and let herself in. However, she trusts herself enough to know that she can get home ok with her body now gearing into a subconscious "Auto-pilot" function.
Sam
Sam spends the next few days at home processing her results. This is a constant rollercoaster of almost every emotion a person can feel. No particular thought or feeling is right or wrong in any situation. She just needs to let herself feel them in a way where she isn't hurting herself or other people.
10 Things I Saved for Later
Time skip - A week or so later...
It's afternoon and Sam is in her favourite thinking place. She's walking along the beach trying to catch the evening sun set over the ocean. As she walks, she is slowly processing some of her thoughts about the consequences of her diagnosis.
Sam
*It's amazing how quickly my thoughts can change when I know my body is killing itself and I can't do anything about it. One second I'll feel guilty, shamed, and betrayed because my healthy body is my own murderer. The next, I'll be angry at the "fairness" of life. Knowing now, from experience, that life hasn't made any promises that life will be fair. When the hopelessness of the situation takes over there aren't a lot of great emotions that can rise from such hefty depths of despair. Just when I think I'll be destroyed by my own depressive spirit I will be reminded that my time now is substantially shorter than before. This makes my time here precious and I need to remind myself to not waste a moment. From this perspective, I can make even the saddest and most mundane moments seem particularly bright and beautiful.*
Sam
*One thing that keeps repeating in my mind is the things I've always 'saved for later'. Everyone has their dreams or things they expect they will do in life.*
Sam
*10 things I have saved for later.
1. Travel, travel, travel (all the way around all of the world)
2. Go on an adventure worthy of being told in book.
3. Go on a food safari in another country.
4. Fly in a hot air balloon
5. Find someone who I can love.
6. Get Married.
7. Have children.
8. Dance barefoot in the rain
9. Spend quality time with your special people.
10. Learn a new skill that you have never ever wanted to learn (e.g. video games or music. It doesn't matter what it is - it just has to completely take me out of my comfort zone so I can experience something new.)*
Sam
*When I write my bucket list from my heightened awareness that I am actually dying there are a few things that I notice.*
Sam
*Some of the things (like spending quality time with special people) are things that I can achieve every day and because I know how precious my time has become I can see the beauty in just being able to say hello to a friend.*
Sam
*Some things (like loving someone, marriage and children) are dependent on things completely out of my control, so I shouldn't get too hung up on achieving them.*
Sam
*Some things (like travel around the world) are too expensive for me to be realistically achieved.*
Sam
*After analyzing it for a bit - there is an awareness that many of the listed things can no longer be achieved. Now, I am not only grieving from my own shortened life span, but, also, faced with the realization that I will never achieve many of the dreams I thought I would accomplish during the journey that is my life.*
Sam
*I have read the quote recently that "Accepting my reality brings peace to my soul." I can't recall who said this, but there is a truth within its meaning. The process of acceptance may take weeks of tears; a billion times of asking the air "why me?"; fighting with the boxing bag every time I think of the elderly neighbor complaining about being old knowing that I'll never actually get to grow old. Now that the reality is slowly getting accepted, I can see how much time I have, and I can choose to do the things that still fulfill me.*
Sam
*So, now, what is the updated list of what I can achieve:
10 things I have saved for later.
1. Travel, travel, travel (all the way around all of the world). All around the world is too expensive. I can travel to closer places and take advantage of discounted travel opportunities. So I'll keep it there in a modified form.
2. Go on an adventure worthy of a book. I wanted an adventure worthy of writing a story. If I slightly alter my thinking - I can turn a visit to the zoo into an adventure. So, I think I will be able to achieve it - it will be 'just slightly' less grand...
3. Go on a food safari. I had originally wanted to do this in a different country. That is too expensive to achieve, so I have modified it to a food tour of a neighboring town. Then I can check out options and costs and if I plan well it can probably be achieved.
4. Fly in a hot air balloon. Need to look up costs, but it is probably achievable if I plan and save for it.
5. Find someone who I can love. Involves finding another person and how would it possibly be fair to selfishly love someone knowing I will die. It's definitely no longer on the list.
6. Get Married. See 5
7. Have children. See 5
8. Dance barefoot in the rain. Yay! An easily achievable thing. (I have never been so excited to wait for rain.)
9. Spend quality time with your special people. Hello Family and Friends - here I come. (I'm going to visit you so many times you'll be wanting to see the death of me.)
10. Learn a new skill that you have never ever wanted to learn (e.g. video games or music. It doesn't matter what it is - it just has to completely take me out of my comfort zone, so I can experience something new.) This is surprisingly an easier thing to achieve. I just need to choose an activity I have never wanted to take part in and try to learn it. I can do this.*
Sam
*So, the things that I can achieve right now are spending time with family and friends and learning something I have always hated. I have watched many recent movies and drama's that focus on gaming and e-sports and how they can bring people together because they get excited to play in the same game. This is something I have never actually tried to do myself because I love reading, so I have always spent my spare time reading. I can also very patiently wait for rain, so I can dance barefoot like a crazy country bumpkin or creepy witch.*
Sam
*When I get home tonight I am going to call my friends and see if any of them can teach me a new popular video game or if they are interested in learning how to play one with me. Also, I can check the latest weather report to get a heads-up on any upcoming possible rain opportunities.*
Sleepover: Games Night
At Sam's house where 3 of her close friends have gathered together to catch up with her.
The four friends, Sam, Matilda, Blake and Will are sitting around the table. Each person has their laptops open while (trying) to play the latest popular video game.
Matilda
Game loaded on computer - Check ✔️
Matilda
Character loaded - Check ✔️
Matilda
Drinks and snacks ready - Check ✔️
Matilda
Friends gathered for a fun night in - Check ✔️
Sam
Check ✔️ Thanks everyone for coming. I'm really excited to see you all, and thanks for gathering here to help me learn this.
William
I'm really excited too. This game is super popular right now, and it's going to be great to have more people I can play it with. With me guiding you through - you will all be playing like pro's in no time at all.
Blake
Now that we are all working adults we don't get to catch up as much as we used to. I had a little look at how to play the game during the past week, but I think it'll be better playing it in a group like this. We can help each other and share tips as we all play. I've been looking forward to it all week.
Matilda
I'm also a complete newbie to this game. I've seen that it's become popular, but I haven't had the chance to check it out. I am super surprised that Miss Nerdy Reading Queen is the person who has suggested this. But you can always count on me for a gathering. You have to try everything once to know if you like it... Right?
Sam
Yep - you're right. It is a lot out of my comfort zone. You're all going to need a lot of patience trying to teach me. Please enjoy drinking your fill of my food and wine while taking care of me and teaching me something you all find exciting.
Matilda, Blake and William spend time catching up and joking with each other while Sam tries to load a game....
Sam
Hmmmm. I can't seem to work out how to get out of this screen and start a game? Help???
William
Oh, that's easy. You just need to exit the screen here and click here to start. (William points out the right buttons, so Sam knows next time)
Sam
Hmmmm...... Aaaarrrggh! What am I supposed to do - I don't get this game already (Sam getting a bit frustrated at her early attempts to play).
Sam
Matilda suddenly starts to giggle while William and Blake both burst into laughter at Sam's obvious distress.
Matilda
OMG - You're so funny 😂 It can be challenging learning any new skill but with lots of practice and patience and us here to help you'll pick it up in no time.
Blake
(Also still laughing - jokingly) How much time before Sam loses it and throws her mouse or keyboard??? Shall we make a bet? I'll open with 10 minutes. If she throws any item in frustration in 10 minutes then I get to sleep on the bed in the spare room tonight and not the couch or floor.
William
You're being generous. I'll give her 5 minutes.
Matilda
(spoken loudly for Sam to hear) How can 2 grown up adults be so childish? You really shouldn't make jokes at your friend's expense.
Matilda
(spoken softly for only William and Blake while winking) I have faith in my best bud - I'm going to give her 15 minutes.
The 4 friends continue to catch up and joke with each other while learning/teaching/playing the game.
(Time skip - 4 minutes and 30 secs later)
Sam
(Yelling in a game crazed tone that only video games can create) Seriously - I can't be dead again!!! Already!!!
Sam
(Still yelling while throwing her mouse in anger across the table) This doesn't make sense! I don't get it! Show me again how to play this game!
William
(Cheering brightly for himself) Yes! That mouse was definitely thrown before the 5-minute mark. Thanks Sam, for helping me win myself a good night's sleep tonight. That spare bed all to myself is going to give the sweetest of dreams.
Blake
(Laughing at William's joke about winning the bet) I guess I'll be settling for the couch then.
Blake
(Spoken in a gentle calming tone in Sam's direction as he picks up the mouse and returns it to Sam) It's ok Sam. It can be really hard when we are trying something new for the 1st time. We all have a bit more experience playing games, so we'll probably pick it up easier than you. We'll help you out when we can. Take your time to take a break. When you're calm and ready again I'll show you the tips I've picked up from playing the game.
Matilda
I know you're a bit frustrated right now, but it's a really fun game. All the fantasy settings have been beautifully designed. The character's avatars are amazing, and their costumes are simply stunning. I want them ALL!
William
I agree. It's definitely worthy of all the praise it's been receiving. I've seen the posts on social media, and I'm really looking forward to exploring how the game develops later. I have to admit - It's soooo much more fun playing with you guys than playing alone - Even if I do have dodge flying computer equipment.
Matilda
I love all the accessories that I can get. Look at this one - it's my favorite so far. I'm definitely going to continue playing until I can get it. (Matilda points out something in the games shop)
Sam
(Spoken excitedly) Ohhhh! It is pretty.
Sam
(Changing to a more whining tone) It's going to take me forever to catch up to you guys and get cool stuff. I still get deaded on the 1st level and can't even kill anything.
After a few minutes Sam calmed down enough for Blake to have a turn showing her how to play the game. The four friends settled into a gaming session. After a small bit of practice- they all slightly improved.
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