AVA POV(⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠ ⁠)

If I had to describe Alex Volkov, a litany of words came tomind. Cold. Beautiful. Ruthless. Genius.“Patient” wasn’t one of them. It wasn’t even in the topthousand.But over the past few weeks, I had to admit I might haveto bump it up on the list, because he’d been nothing butpatient as he guided me through a series of visualization andmeditation exercises to prepare me for my first realswimming session.If you’d told me two months ago that I would be“visualizing” and “meditating” with Alex freakin’ Volkov, Iwould’ve laughed my *** off, but sometimes reality isstranger than fiction. And you know what? The exerciseshelped. I’d visualize myself standing near a body of water,then use deep breathing and relaxation techniques to calmmyself. I started small, with pools and ponds, and workedmy way up to lakes. Alex also started taking me to bodies ofwater so I could get more comfortable near them. I evendipped my toe into a pool.I wasn’t cured of my fear of water, but I could think aboutit now without having a panic attack—most of the time. Thethought of flying over an ocean still made me sick to mystomach, but we’d get there.The most important thing was, I had hope. If I workedlong and hard enough, then maybe one day, I would finallyconquer the fear that had haunted me for as long as I couldremember.But that wasn’t the only seismic change in my life.Something had shifted in my relationship with Alex. He wasno longer just my brother’s best friend, but my friend too,though some of the thoughts I had toward him were lessthan platonic. What I’d felt during our photoshoot wasnothing compared to the fantasies running through my mindnow.He will take you from behind. Choke and **** you till you seestars. Call you the filthiest names and treat you like a ****.That was the one snippet from my horrible conversationwith Madeline I couldn’t forget. Every time I thought aboutit, my thighs clenched and warmth flooded my lower belly. Iwas also ashamed to admit that yes, I’d masturbated tofantasies of Alex doing…those things to me more than once.Not that he would. He’d been frustratingly composedsince my pool incident—no heated gazes, no lingeringtouches, no trace of the desire I’d seen on his face in thatphoto from our shoot.I hoped that would change tonight.“I’m nervous.” Stella crouched behind the couch; she wasso tall she had to bend all the way so her dark curls didn’tpeek out from the top. “Are you nervous?”“No,” I lied. I was definitely nervous.It was Alex’s birthday, and I was throwing him a surpriseparty. There was every chance he hated both surprises andparties, but I felt compelled to do something for him. Besides,no one should be alone on their birthday. I’d asked Alex whathis plans for tonight were—not letting on that I rememberedit was his birthday—and he said he had business documentsto look over.Business documents. On his birthday.I don’t think so.Since I didn’t know any of his friends except Ralph, ourKrav Maga instructor, I’d kept the guest list small. Jules,Stella, Bridget, Booth, and a few other students from the KMAcademy hid in Ralph’s living room. Ralph had agreed tohost the shindig and trick Alex into thinking it was a casualHalloween get-together for academy regulars; he and Alexshould arrive any minute now.I’d nixed the costume party idea—Alex didn’t strike meas a costume sort of guy—but I hoped the party itself was agood idea. Most people liked parties, but he wasn’t mostpeople.A car door slammed, and my stomach tightened withanticipation. “Shh! They’re here,” I said in a loud whisper.The lingering murmurs in the dark room quieted.“…help me set up,” Ralph said, opening the door andflipping on the light.We all jumped out. “Surprise!”I wish I’d had my camera ready, because the expressionon Alex’s face? Priceless. He looked like a frozen mannequinexcept for his eyes, which moved from the balloons I’d tiedto various pieces of furniture to the handmade posterspelling out Happy birthday, Alex! in glittery blue cursivebefore resting on my face.“Happy birthday!” I chirped, trying to tamp down mynerves. I couldn’t tell if he liked or hated the surprise, or ifhe was indifferent. The man was harder to read than a Latintextbook in the dark.No response. Alex remained frozen.Jules came to the rescue, turning on the music andencouraging people to eat and mingle. While the rest of theparty scattered, I edged my way toward him and pasted on abright smile.“Fooled you, huh?”“How did you know it’s my birthday?” Alex peeled off hisjacket and tossed it over the back of the couch. At least thatmeant he was staying.I shrugged, feeling self-conscious. “You’re Josh’s bestfriend. Of course I know.”He frowned. “You’ve never celebrated my birthdaybefore.”“There’s a first time for everything. C’mon.” I pulled athis wrist. “You’re twenty-seven! That means you have totake twenty-seven shots.”His frown deepened. “Absolutely not.”“It was worth a try.” I grinned. “Just wanted to see if youwere dumb enough to do it.”“Ava, I’m a genius.”“A humble one too.”Alex cracked a smile. Not a big one, but we were gettingthere.It took some effort, but he eventually relaxed more andmore throughout the night until he was eating and chattingwith people like a normal human. I’d baked him a red velvetcake since he liked red velvet, and we sang “HappyBirthday” while he blew out the candles. All normal stuff.He did, however, refuse to participate when a half-drunkRalph broke out his karaoke machine.“Come on!” I insisted. “You don’t have to be a goodsinger. I’m terrible, but I do it anyway. It’s all in good fun.”Alex shook his head. “I don’t do anything unless I’m goodat it, but don’t let me stop you.”“That’s silly. How can you be good at something unlessyou practice?”He still wouldn’t budge, so I sighed and serenaded theparty with an off-key solo rendition of Britney Spears’ “OopsI Did It Again” while they cheered me on. Alex lounged onthe couch, one arm draped over the back, top few buttons ofhis shirt unbuttoned. A lazy smile graced his face as hewatched me sing my heart out.He looked so gorgeous and at ease I stumbled over thelyrics, but everyone gave me a standing ovation anyway.The party wrapped up a few hours later, and I insisted onstaying and cleaning up even after Ralph told me he’d takecare of it. Everyone offered to pitch in as well, so we splitinto different groups—garbage duty, sweeping duty,etcetera.Alex and I somehow ended up on dish duty together.Ralph didn’t have a dishwasher, so I hand-washed while hedried.“I hope you had a good time,” I said, scrubbing caked-onsugar from a plate. “Sorry if we gave you a heart attack.”His chuckle sent the butterflies in my stomach into atizzy. “It would take more than a surprise party to give me aheart attack.” He took the plate from me and wiped it drybefore setting it on the dish rack. Seeing Alex do somethingas domestic as dishes sent another flutter through mysystem. I have serious issues. “I had a good time though.” Hecleared his throat, his cheeks coloring. “This was my firstbirthday party since my parents died.”I froze. Alex had never brought up his parents before, butI knew from Josh they’d died when he was young, whichmeant he hadn’t had a birthday party in at least a decade.My heart ached for him. Not because of the party, butbecause he could no longer celebrate with his family. For thefirst time, I realized how lonely Alex must be with norelatives left in the world except for his uncle.“So what do you usually do on your birthday?” I asked ina soft voice.He shrugged. “Work. Grab a drink with Josh. It’s not a bigdeal. My parents made it a big deal, but after their death, itseemed pointless.”“How did—” I stopped myself before I finished thequestion. A guy’s birthday was not the right time to bring upthe method of his family’s death.Alex answered anyway. “They were murdered.” After abeat of hesitation, he added,“My father’s business rivalordered the hit and made it look like a home invasion gonewrong. My parents hid me right before the intruders foundus, but I saw…” His throat bobbed with a hard swallow. “Isaw it happen. My mom, dad, and little sister, who didn’thide in time.”Horror suffused me at the thought of someone having towitness their own family’s murder. “I’m so sorry. That’s—Ihave no words.”“It’s all right. At least they caught the bastards whopulled the trigger.”“And the business rival?” I asked softly.His eye twitched. “Karma will get him.”My heart weighed heavy in my chest even beforesomething more horrifying occurred to me. “Your HSAM—”Alex flashed a humorless smile. “Is a real *****. I relivethat day every day. Sometimes I think about whether Icould’ve saved them, even though I was just a kid. I used torage at the unfairness of it all until I realized no one gives ashit. There’s no entity out there listening to me yell at them.There’s only life and luck, and sometimes both those thingsdeal you a crap hand.”Tears stung my eyes. I’d forgotten all about the dishes;my heart hurt too much.I stepped closer to Alex, who watched me approach with atense expression.“Sometimes, but not all the time.” I heard the faintchatter of other guests in the living room, but they might aswell be light-years away. Here, in the kitchen, Alex and I hadentered our own little world. “There’s something beautifulwaiting for you, Alex. Whether you find it tomorrow or yearsfrom now, I hope it’ll restore your faith in life. You deserveall the beauty and light in the world.”I meant every word. Beneath the icy shell, he was humanlike everyone else, and his broken heart broke mine ahundredfold.“There you go, romanticizing me again.” Alex didn’tmove as I took another step toward him, but his eyes burnedwith intensity. “It’s too late for me, Sunshine. I destroyeverything beautiful that comes into my life.”“I don’t believe that,” I said. “And that wasn’tromanticizing you. This is.”Before I could lose my nerve, I stood on tiptoes and kissedhim.It was a soft, chaste kiss, but the effect was the same as afull-on make out session. Sparks consumed my skin, and theheat in my stomach flared to life. I shuddered at thesensation, my pulse beating so wildly I couldn’t hearanything else. Alex’s lips were cool and firm, his taste likethat of spice and red velvet, and I wanted to wrap myselfaround him and devour him until every bit of him was insideme.Alex remained still, his chest rising and falling with harshbreaths beneath my tentative touch. I pressed a firmer handagainst his chest and ran my tongue along the seam of hislips, seeking entry—I gasped when Alex yanked me toward him and deepenedthe kiss. His hand fisted my hair and tugged, forcing myback to arch while his tongue plundered my mouth.“Not the romance you were thinking of, is it?” hegrowled, his grip so tight my eyes watered. He’d spun mearound so the edge of the counter dug into my flesh, and heused his other hand to hitch my leg up around his waist. Histhick erection pressed against my core, and I ground againstit shamelessly, desperate for the friction. “Tell me to stop,Sunshine.”“No.” Tell him to stop? A herd of wild horses couldn’tdrag me away.I inched my hand beneath his shirt, eager to explore theexpanse of smooth skin and hard muscles beneath myfingers. My entire body pulsated with need, and thepossibility of someone walking in on us any moment furtherheightened my arousal. It was only a kiss, but it seemed somuch more illicit. Dangerous.Alex groaned. His mouth claimed mine again, and the kissturned fierce. Wanting. Hungry. He was ruthless in hisinvasion of my senses, his touch so hot and possessive itbranded itself into my skin, and I surrendered to himwithout a shred of resistance.I was on the verge of unbuckling his belt when he pulledaway so forcefully I stumbled forward, disoriented by thesudden loss of contact. My core throbbed, my nipples couldcut diamonds, and my skin was so sensitive even the brushof air caused me to tremble. But when the fog of sensationdissipated, I realized Alex was glaring at me.“Fuck.” He scrubbed a hand over his face, his scowl fierceenough to make grown men quake. “Fuck, ****, ****.”“Alex—”“No. What the hell were you thinking?” he bit out. “Didyou think we would **** in the kitchen while your friendsare in the other room?”Heat scorched my cheeks. “If this is about Josh—”“It’s not about Josh.” Alex pinched the bridge of his noseand exhaled a slow, controlled breath. “Not entirely.”“Then what is it?” He wanted me. I knew he did; I felt it,and I’m not just talking about the massive bulge straininghis pants. Yes, Josh would attempt to murder us both if hefound out what happened, but he couldn’t stay mad at usforever. Besides, he didn’t return to D.C. until Christmas. Wehad time.“It’s me. And you. Together. It won’t work.” Alex’s glareintensified. “Whatever fantasies you have of us swirling inthat pretty head of yours, kill them. That kiss was a onetime mistake. It’ll never happen again.”I wanted to die of mortification. I wasn’t sure whatwould’ve been worse—Alex not kissing me back at all, orhim kissing me back and saying those things. I wanted toargue, but I’d used up my boldness quota for tonight. It hadtaken a helluva lot for me to kiss him first, and a girl canthrow herself at a guy only so many times before it becomeshumiliating.“Fine.” I picked up a random dish in the sink andscrubbed, unable to look him in the eyes. My face felt so hot Ithought I’d explode. “I get it. Let’s pretend that neverhappened.”“Good.” Alex didn’t sound as pleased as I’d expected.We worked in silence save for the clank of the porcelain.“I’m trying to save you, Ava,” he said out of nowhere,right as we finished all the dishes and I prepared to flee.“From what?” I refused to look at him, but I could seehim watching me out of the corner of my eye.“From me.”I didn’t respond, because how was I supposed to tell theman determined to save me that I didn’t want to be saved?

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