“This thing around your neck looks like a collar,” my sister said, an annoyed look on her face. I didn’t bother looking up at her. I could still picture her expression from the tone of her voice alone. I kept drinking my orange juice through the straw, my mind already far from the café we were sitting in.
Stefan wanted us to meet this weekend, and I had no idea what he intended to say.
Okay. I had a few ideas. He would definitely want to catch up. It had been three years since we last saw each other. Compared to how close we had been as kids and then as teenagers, the distance felt enormous.
I met Stefan when I changed elementary schools in the fourth grade. I was the new student — extremely shy, without any confidence — and I suffered a lot from being bullied. I was an easy target, and I looked a little too soft for a boy.
Stefan was the popular boy in the class, good at sports, the kind of kid teachers said his name with a sigh but couldn’t quite hide their smiles because he was adorable in his own way.
Three days passed at school without me talking to anyone except the teachers and the dean. I was sitting on a bench by the court, watching the other kids play soccer, when their ball rolled near my feet.
“Hey, new kid!!” Stefan yelled. “What was your name again?”
“…Elian.”
“We need one more player. Wanna join?”
I blushed and stuttered. “Uh—um—well… I—I’m not good at soccer.”
“Oh, come on! Just try it. Kick the ball.”
I kicked it, but it wasn’t a good kick. The ball left the ground for a second, then landed a few feet away. The other boys burst into laughter. Panic flared through me — the same panic I used to feel with the bullies at my old school — and I ran.
“Hey, wait—” Stefan shouted, but I didn’t stop.
Later that day, I was hiding under a staircase during recess, eating chips, when I realized a little too late that someone was walking around nearby.
“Huh…? What’s that sound?”
It was Stefan’s voice. I stayed completely still, not moving a muscle, but he crouched down and found me. I screamed when I suddenly saw him. He got surprised too and screamed right along with me.
“Man! What are you doing here? I thought it was a mouse!”
“I’m not a mouse!”
“Yeah, I can see that.”
We stared at each other for a few seconds. Then Stefan looked away, scratching the back of his head.
“Look, I’m sorry for earlier…”
I blinked and tilted my head. “For what?”
“For… for forcing you to do something you didn’t want and then… making the others laugh at you.”
“Oh…” I lowered my head, staring at my pack of chips. “Well, it wasn’t your fault. *I* can do nothing.”
“That can’t be true.”
“But it is. I’m… I’m not… good at sports and that sort of thing.”
Silence.
I looked up. Stefan was watching me curiously with those big brown eyes. My cheeks burned.
“What… what are you looking at…?” I murmured.
He crawled under the staircase and sat next to me. I was surprised.
“There must be something you like to do,” he said, completely serious now. I fidgeted with the pack of chips.
“Well… I might…”
“Might what?”
“Umm…”
I didn’t want to tell him that I liked drawing and painting. Other boys had already mocked me for it. They said not only did I look like a girl, I liked the same things as them. I just liked to draw. That wasn’t a gender role. But I was scared Stefan might make fun of me too if I told him.
Instead, I offered him the remaining chips.
“Want some?”
He smiled and picked one. Just like that, he forgot about my secret hobby and started talking about his favorite snacks, the cartoons he liked, his toys, the stickers he had been collecting from cereal boxes for years. It was fun. Really fun. For the first time since I started school, I felt a real connection and interest toward someone. Before I knew it, he became the source of my confidence, the reason for my laughter at school, my escape from stress, and my shield against the jerks.
Changing schools hadn’t helped me run away from bullies. In the new school, too, there were some who trash-talked me or bullied me for different reasons. Stefan answered them without me even asking. After a few months, even Stefan’s own friends started distancing themselves from him.
“They’re jealous,” Stefan told me one day. “You’re so much better than them. Kinder. A better friend. If they can’t accept you… then they can go. I don’t care.”
I was really touched. So much that I felt like crying. I wasn’t alone anymore. I wasn’t lonely anymore. Nothing mattered as long as we were together. We wore matching watches. Our study tools looked alike. Our parents became friends. Our sleepovers were fun. Life became so colorful.
We finished elementary school together and went to the same middle school, then high school. We were a perfect duo.
My facial features started to sharpen a little when I turned into a teenager, but it didn’t make me less “pretty,” as Stefan sometimes said. I had learned to hate that word, so when Stefan once told me, “They aren’t wrong though… you *are* pretty… but not in the way they see,” so casually, my heart raced and I switched to defensive mode. But what he said next completely disarmed me.
“Okay, how about… saying you’re pretty *only* for me?”
“Huh?! What’s that supposed to mean?!”
He looked into my eyes, completely serious.
“Only I get to tell you how pretty and beautiful you are. Because I don’t see you with sick intentions. You’re my best friend. And… you’re so precious to me. I *want* you to acknowledge that you’re beautiful and be confident in yourself. Then they don’t get to belittle you.”
I was speechless for a long moment. We were in his attic that day, Stefan sprawled on an old mattress, the ice cream melting in the bowl between us.
“I love these chocolate chips in ice cream,” I said finally, breaking the tension. Stefan smiled softly. He had gotten used to me changing the subject in heavy moments.
“Yeah,” he murmured. “Chocolate chips are the best.”
I never felt uncomfortable around Stefan. Even when I sensed he was changing a little in the second year of high school. Teenage drama. I knew it. Our moods couldn’t stay the same forever. But one night at a club scratched the blurry line of our friendship that even we couldn’t exactly name.
We were there with some of our classmates. I had told my parents I was staying at Stefan’s, and his parents were out of town that night. Everything was perfect for sneaking out. That night especially, I felt energetic and free. I danced to the music, sharing laughs with some girls and guys from my class. That night felt as if the world was too nice and sparkling, completely in our hands to enjoy. At one point I turned, looking around for Stefan. I saw him sitting still on his chair, looking at me with an expression I couldn’t read. I just knew he didn’t look happy. He was gripping his glass of coke a little too tightly. I walked over and took his hand.
“Dance with me!” I shouted over the loud music.
“I wanna go home,” he said, not loud enough for me. I had to lean in to hear.
“Why~ it’s fun in here.” I tugged at his hand. “Come on, Steffy! I’ll cry if you go.”
He let out a short, dry laugh and stood up. We were standing chest to chest. I had to tilt my head a little to look at his face, still holding each other’s hands.
“I meant I wanted to go home with you. Not alone.”
I blinked in confusion. “Why? You don’t like it here?”
“No.”
“Oh.”
I felt his grip on my hand tighten.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you dancing. I didn’t know you could.” His voice was low, his brows tight with a small frown. I chuckled.
“Ah, I just… felt like it tonight. It’s not as if it was my hidden talent.”
“It was beautiful.”
“What?”
“…You. Dancing. Looking so carefree and happy.”
My heart started racing again, but it wasn’t from the adrenaline in the club. I kept staring into his eyes, finding no words.
“Why with them? Why didn’t you show me this side of yourself before?”
“I just—”
“Let’s go home and have a real sleepover.”
“But, Stef—”
“Please, Elian.”
His thumb brushed the back of my hand. I felt horrible for making him upset.
“Okay… I like it too.”
Ten minutes later we were in his room. The atmosphere between us felt heavy. I was so nervous. I wanted him to cheer up soon and forgive me for whatever I had done that I couldn’t quite understand. Or wasn’t ready to understand.
“Stef…”
He took off his jacket and looked at me.
“Are you still mad?”
“I’m not mad at you.”
He looked a little better. I smiled and hugged him.
“Sorry for whatever that was,” I said, muffled against his shoulder.
“Whatever? You did nothing *wrong*, but—”
He trailed off and took a deep breath. I pulled away a little.
“Do you want to… dance together now?” I asked carefully, my voice barely above a whisper. After a pause, Stefan nodded slowly.
He played our favorite song and we both started dancing to its rhythm, laughing at each other’s moves, sometimes doing partner steps. His mood changed completely. He pulled me against him whenever the music soared, and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said, a little breathless. I tilted my head back. “You too. You’re awesome.”
“Then stick by my side.”
“I already am.”
“No. I mean harder.”
“Harder?”
He leaned his head, our foreheads almost touching.
“Don’t. Look. At. Anyone. Else.”
My breath caught just a fraction. We stopped moving and just stared into each other’s eyes. Stefan’s eyes were desperately searching mine. His grip on my waist tightened almost painfully.
“Elian…” he breathed. “I… I can’t help myself… you’re all I think about… I know I sound crazy right now but—” He suddenly let go of me and turned his back, running a hand through his hair. I gently touched his back.
“Stef… please look at me.”
“I can’t. I hate myself for putting you in this.”
I tugged at his shirt a little. “I’m sorry for leaving you by yourself in the club.” My voice was starting to shake. “You’re all I can think about too. I felt good enough to dance because of you.”
“I want you to be mine. Only mine!”
“Then take me!”
I froze at my own words. Stefan was completely still as well. Slowly, he turned, and my breath hitched when I saw his face. I had never seen him look this intense, his expression as hard as stone.
“What did you say?” His voice was low, careful. Unconsciously I took a small step back.
“I—I love you…”
“You have no idea what you’re saying.”
“I know I love you!”
“And my love for you is on the brink of madness.”
A shiver ran down my spine at his words and husky voice.
“Steffy…”
He closed the distance between us again with a careful step.
“But it’s not a healthy sweet love, Elian.” He said, his jaw tight, his expression caught between pain and fear.
“*I*’m not healthy.”
“Don’t say that…” I mumbled.
“If you just knew how I feel about you… what I think about every time you say that damn nickname of mine…”
“I love you, Stef. With all of my heart.”
“Don’t repeat it. It might actually hurt you.”
“You don’t hurt me.”
He let out a curt, breathy chuckle. “You have no idea.”
“Then… then give me some ideas.”
His expression hardened again. “Don’t.”
I gripped the front of his shirt. “I’ll be yours. However you like.”
Suddenly he gripped my throat and pushed me against the wall. I gasped. My back hit the wall hard; the breath rushed out of my lungs.
“You really want it, huh?” He said through gritted teeth. “Think I’d just kiss you… hug you…”
His hand on my throat didn’t cut off my airway, but I couldn’t breathe because of the shock.
“I want to rip off your clothes so bad, push you down on my bed, touch you everywhere and stuff every hole in your body with my dick. I want to watch you squirm under me, begging me to let you come…”
His voice fell lower, like a growl. “I want to spank your ass every time you smile at anyone but me.”
He pressed his hip against mine. I could feel his bulge against mine perfectly. My breath stuttered.
“Feel that? I’ve been like this for months now, every time we were together and you touched me even just barely.”
He shifted his hip slightly, rubbing our groins together. I moaned before I could think about what was happening.
“Stef…”
“Feels good?”
I nodded frantically. He immediately picked up the pace, grinding against me with intense focus. I moaned louder this time and mirrored his movements.
“Stef…” I gripped his shoulders tightly and ground back. We both were panting harshly.
“Oh, fuck, Elian…”
He let go of my throat and gripped my hips with both hands, guiding me. He crashed his mouth against mine, his tongue taking advantage of my parted lips and sliding against mine. I moaned into his mouth, kissing him back. We both were clumsy. It was our first kiss. But inexperience didn’t make it less hungry and satisfying. We kissed each other like we couldn’t get enough. Like there was no tomorrow and we might not be able to do it again.
The movement of our lips intensified as we got closer and closer to the edge. Suddenly Stefan pulled his mouth away and ground harder and faster against me. I did the same, and a moment later we were both shaking, our backs arched, coming at the same time. It felt like peeing in my pants, but it was so much different from when I jerked myself off in the bathroom. I felt like I had emptied something inside me completely, and the satisfaction was too good.
Stefan panted heavily like me, resting his forehead against my shoulder. Our damp crotches were still pressed together, creating a filthy but delicious friction between us.
“Love you,” he murmured against my shoulder. I kissed his neck. “Love you too. So much.”
A few seconds later he raised his head and kissed my lips again, softer and sweeter than before. “Love you…” he murmured after each kiss. I kissed him back, murmuring the words back. When we pulled back for air, Stefan’s half-lidded eyes suddenly widened at something on me.
“What is it?” I asked, self-conscious. He swallowed hard and brushed his finger over my neck.
“What is it, Stef?”
“I… what did I do to you…?”
“I’m fine.”
He shook his head and stepped back. He looked terrified. “I’m sorry…” he murmured. “So sorry…”
I walked to the mirror and looked at my reflection. My face was flushed, my lips swollen. But what terrified Stefan was the bruise already blooming on my neck.
“Elian… I’m so sorry… I hurt you…”
I turned toward him. “It’s nothing. I’m completely fine. Better than fine.”
“But I hurt your beautiful neck…”
I gripped both of his cheeks and kissed him, long and sweet.
“It’s nothing compared to how good you made me feel.”
“I’m dangerous to you, Elian.”
My heart shattered when I saw tears forming in his eyes. I desperately kissed his eyes, then his cheeks, then his lips again.
“No, no, no… you’re not dangerous. You’re my love. You’re amazing. You’re everything to me. I want you all. Everything you wish to do to me and your protective side. Every urge. Every feeling.”
Slowly he began to feel better and kissed me back.
“I’m yours too,” he murmured. “Do whatever you want to me.”
Those words sent a shiver through me. Stefan felt it; his eyes darkened again.
“Wanna take a shower together?”
I nodded, my body already reacting to the mental image of us both naked and wet, pressed against each other.
From that night, we started our secret romantic relationship and got better at it with each passing day. We used every private moment to kiss or make love to each other. The secrecy added to the thrill, and I couldn’t enjoy my life more than that. My best friend was already so much dear to me. I had already figured out that this much affection must be love long before that night, though I didn’t dare to go further than that.
I didn’t fear Stefan’s “dark side,” as he called it. He made more bruises on my body from his tight grips and spanking, but I didn’t mind them. I loved to feel his hunger for me without any filter. Repeatedly he said he should learn how to be gentler, but I shook my head every time. I wanted him exactly as he was.
We imagined living together after graduation, being together 24/7, having a home of our own that we could fill with our memories — our little world.
But reality struck in the last year of high school. Our grades weren’t perfect for going to college, and our parents had different plans for us. Stefan’s dad needed to go to another state far away from home for his job. Stefan argued with his parents to leave without him, but they couldn’t accept.
“We’re so sorry to part you guys from each other,” his mother told me when she came visiting my mom. “You two *are* inseparable… but Elian… this is a very good opportunity for my husband, and I hate standing in his way.”
I looked down at my cup of tea, saying nothing.
“I’ve already found a good university for Stefan there that has shown great results for his business classes for a decade. I know it’s so sad to say goodbye. Believe me, I have so many friends here too… but… sometimes for those we love, we have to make sad decisions. Elian, you… love him, don’t you?”
I nodded, still not looking up.
Stefan and I didn’t talk much anymore. We were on a break to study for the final exams, so we didn’t even see each other at school. Some days we texted each other only a sentence or two, checking in to see how studying went. I typed “I miss you” so many times, but I never sent it. I knew he felt the same. Breaking the fragile bubble of concentration on reality would only hurt us both.
Exams ended and the graduation ceremony was all blurry for me. I was dead inside until that night I got a text from Stefan that reminded my heart it could still beat faster.
“Meet me at our favorite spot in the park.”
Nobody was around when I arrived, so when I saw him standing by that old pine tree, I ran into his arms and kissed him senseless. He kissed me back, his arms wrapped around me so tightly that it almost hurt… in a good way. In that way that proved he was there, and just for that moment we could pretend it could last forever.
“Missed you so fuckin’ much,” he murmured against my mouth.
“Yeah, me too. This month was torture.”
“I’m sorry for being so cold and distant recently—”
“I understand. It still hurts, but I understand. Neither of us could see this coming.”
“I still want us to go to the same college…”
“And I want our imaginary rented apartment back.”
“But no matter what we dream… the world has its own plans.”
We both chuckled. I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing him in.
“But the world can’t force me to forget us.”
Stefan caressed my hair. “You’re always mine. We’ll find our way back to each other eventually.”
“Yeah,” I said firmly. “Yours. Forever.”
After a long moment just basking in each other’s warmth, he slid his hand into his pocket.
“I bought you a gift. I… I hope you like it.”
I pulled back, excited. “Oh, I will. Show me, show me!”
He pulled out a box. I opened it excitedly, then paused when I saw what was inside.
“It’s…”
“Yeah. But I didn’t buy it from a pet shop, I promise!” Stefan said nervously.
“Of course! I know what this is.”
A wide leather choker with a medallion was inside the box.
“You can throw it away if you don’t like it.”
I took out the choker and looked at it closely. It wasn’t heavy, and the medallion had a pattern of a tiny lock with no keyhole.
“I like it,” I said eventually. “Can you put it on me?”
Stefan let out a breath of relief and smiled. He wrapped the choker around my neck and fastened it in a way that was comfortable.
“God, it looks so good on your elegant neck.”
I looked at myself in the camera of my phone. Indeed, the black leather on my fair skin created a good picture, and feeling it around my neck reminded me of Stefan’s hand on my throat. I felt completely owned by him.
“Wear it whenever you feel lonely and remember our time together.”
“But it doesn’t mean that you’re giving me a goodbye gift, right? You will reach out to me again. You’re just changing your house.”
Back then it was easy to look at the situation like this. It made us hope, and when you hope, you won’t crumble.
We stayed in touch. Stefan sent me a lot of photos and videos of their new home and city. I didn’t spend a single day of the summer without my phone in my hand, texting or calling him, or expecting him.
I hid the choker from my parents and sister. I knew they would ask questions about when I became interested in that kind of fashion, and I didn’t want anyone seeing that side of me that only belonged to Stefan. Though I wore it while going out. It somehow made the wandering eyes stay just wandering eyes at my part-time jobs.
Once our classes started, we talked less and less. A text remained unseen for several days. Words only about crappy dormitories and inflexible schedules.
I learned how to separate my emotions from my daily life, to lock all the fantasies inside me behind a door and *grow up.*
Studying psychology and the human mind taught me to give reasons to every feeling and thought. The choker stayed in a black box inside a drawer in my apartment without being touched for three years, until I received a text from Stefan. I couldn’t remember when our last conversation had been.
“I’m heading there in two days. Let’s meet on Sunday at 16.”
“Is he going to end things officially?” I thought, then immediately hated myself for that. “He could do it over the phone. But he’s coming here to see me.”
So I opened that drawer, took out the black box, and put on the choker. It still looked good on me.
In college I met many people — girls and guys — interested in me, but there was not a single moment in those three years that I felt a pull toward someone. I didn’t know how Stefan was living, but I simply couldn’t think of romance without thinking about him. Even though we didn’t talk much anymore, I considered myself still his, and as long as he didn’t tell me he wanted to date someone else, I owned him too.
I started wearing the choker from the day I received his text on Wednesday. I even met my sister on Friday, not caring about her opinion about it. I was an adult. My choice in clothing didn’t concern anyone else.
On Sunday, I arrived at the café we used to go to a lot, fifteen minutes early, trying not to fidget with the medallion nervously.
At 15:55 he walked through the doors and my heart raced. He had grown taller, more masculine, his black hair in a manly style that I immediately fell in love with.
While waiting for him, I had been nervous that I might not feel the same way toward him as when we were in a relationship. But the moment I saw him, our eyes locked, and he walked over to me with that handsome smile of his that I loved, I realized I still loved him no matter how life had treated us.
We hugged each other tightly. I couldn’t quite believe the moment was real and not just another one of my dreams.
“Hello, sweetheart.”
He kissed the skin right above the choker.
“More beautiful than before… and still mine.”
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