"You pretends to be nice around everybody just to make me look like the bad guy! You're fake. And you never back me up, ever." said Jenifer, my bestfriend at college, before she left me.
Was I a terrible friend? I doubted myself. Then our life together at hostel came flashing back.
I was 18 when I met Jenifer on the day I entered this new hostel. She was a new student too, like me. She already made some group, but not me. Unlike her who's pretty, popular, has beautiful straight hair and extrovert, I'm a dork. My skin was tanned, has frizzy hair and a flat face. Plus I was an introvert and don't know how to socialize. I don't approach people to make friends. Wherever someone calls, I went there. That's how I have friends. Through people pitying me.
Let's skip to the part where it's important. I was already in a group of three. Two cousins sister whose name are Dolly and Rosalia. Oh! I haven't introduced myself huh. My name is Dennis. This is my stupid, naive era of my life.
Jenifer felt overlooked at her group that she joined us few weeks later. Afterward, a girl name Liana joined too.
One day, Jenifer had a beef with Dolly and Rosalia. Turns out, Rosalia spilled Jenifer's secret to a senior apart of gossips. And that made Jenifer really mad at her that she cried.
And I was the one who comforted Jenifer through that time. I regret it now. Because from that day on, Jenifer and I became close.
[Hostel dorm/Sunday noon]
I was in one of the girl's bed with other girls playing.
Jenifer: Dennis!!
Dennis: What?
Jenifer: Come here.
Dennis: I can't. I'm in the middle of playing ludo right now.
Jenifer (with a louder command voice): DENNIS!!
No responses came. I didn't hear it as I was engaged with the game.
Later, when I return to my bed next to Jenifer.
Dennis: You were calling?
Jenifer (upset): It's nothing.
I knew she was upset. And I hate it when she is. Because it's exhausting for me to please her everytime she's upset.
Dennis: Come on. Tell me.
Jenifer: Don't talk to me. Go to your new friends.
Dennis: Heh?! Okay, I'm sorry. I was playing game with them that I couldn't come to you.
Jenifer: I don't care whether you come or not. But you weren't responding to me when I called you.
Dennis: I did!
Jenifer: No. You did for the first one. But then I called you again...
Dennis: So you're upset because I didn't respond to the second one?
Jenifer: You know... I'm a very possessive person. I'm possessive over my boyfriend, and even friends too.
Jenifer continues... "If you're my bestfriend, you should be only mine. I don't like sharing. I should be your first priority."
"But I'm not your first priority." I replied.
Jenifer: Of course you're not my first. First is my boyfriend.
Dennis: Then why should you be my first?
Jenifer: Because you don't have any boyfriend. That means I should be your first priority.
Dennis: I miss my friends.
I blurted it out. And that makes the situation worst.
Jenifer: How could you miss your other friends when I'm right here? (angrily)
Dennis: There's nothing wrong with missing them.
Jenifer: But I'm right here, by your side. And you're missing them!
Then Jenifer didn't talk to me for few hours until she calms down. I didn't try to apologise nor try to make things better this time. I always had to be the one to apologise for the small inconveniences that made her upset. Somehow, I was tired.
Later that evening...
Jenifer: You didn't come to console me.
Dennis: I was giving you space.
Jenifer: But it's a basic common sense that you need to console a friend who's upset.
Dennis: Are you this annoying before?
Jenifer (smile): I am.
At night...
"Hug me" she said. Then we cuddle in bed and went to sleep.
_________________________________
Jenifer got mad again. This time, it's because her boyfriend didn't look at her way. Somehow we ended up in our bed, tickling and playing with each other. She got on top of me, overpowering me.
Jenifer: Now, let me show you how to satisfy your man when you have one.
She rubbed herself on me. We both were on clothes. And I didn't mind the play that we're doing even though I have a little idea of what she was doing to me.
Jenifer: Are you wet?
Dennis: I'm not wet.
Jenifer: Let's check.
Then she tries to take off my pants. I stopped her.
Dennis: What are you doing?
Jenifer: I wanna see if you are wet.
Dennis: By wet you mean the white discharge?
Jenifer: Yeah. Oh right! My baby is still innocent. Girls get wet when they're horny.
I laughed.
Dennis: That's absurd. It's natural for girls to have white discharge. It doesn't mean they're always horny when they do.
Jenifer: Not true.
Then she grabbed my boobs suddenly.
Jenifer: Do you know boobs gets bigger if you massage like this?
Dennis: Stop. This is called assaulting.
Jenifer: What you're gonna do?
Then I tried to grab hers too. But she overpowered me easily that I can't. That's when she heard the girls next to our bed criticizing her for borrowing things. They got into a fight. And I didn't joined nor do anything about it.
If you ask me why, I don't think I need to. All I ever wanted was peace, no stress, no fights. Because in the past, my classmates hated me enough for no reason. Now that in this school, people starts to like me, I don't wanna be hated and bullied again. Called me "people pleaser"? I honestly was one in this story.
Later that night, I console Jenifer again when she cried. We cuddle and I fell asleep very soon. Then I felt a kissed on my cheeks and my forehead. When I slowly opened my eyes, I saw Jenifer on top of me.
Dennis: Huh.
Jenifer retreat from me as fast as she could and turned to the other side. Before I could say anything...
Jenifer: Don't say anything about what just happened.
Dennis: Why?
Jenifer (with louder firm voice): Just don't mention it.
Dennis: Okay.
And I tried to go back to sleep. Of course I never mentioned about it to her. For a long time I wonder why would she ignored that moment. Isn't it normal to kiss friends? I kissed my old friends before, never on forehead nor lips but cheeks. It's a way to show affection that you love them. And deep down I began to feel suspicious that Jenifer might like me more than a friend.
How could I think of it? First of all, she has a boyfriend. Second, she accused me of being a lesbian for being single for so long. Do I like girls romantically? No. Do I like Jenifer? No. So, I secretly hope that Jenifer is straight. Maybe that's the reason I decided not to mention about the kisses, ever.
Few months later, a guy confessed that he likes me. For someone who thinks she's ugly, a boy confessing to me was surprising. Though it wouldn't be a shock for an outsider because I had a glow up. I'm not tanned anymore. Funny how a change in skintone makes me one of the pretty girls in school. And I dated him. It make Jenifer mad. She hated him for that and I asked why.
Jenifer: He's too short. He's ugly. He might even have a small dick. Just breakup with him.
Dennis: But I'm the one who's dating him, not you.
Jenifer: Why do you always talk back to me but not others?
Dennis: What?
Jenifer: And you're siding with a boy who recently entered your life over me who has been with you from the start.
Dennis: That's not... that's
Jenifer walked away. Again. Like she always did. Not even hearing what I had to say. Not even a chance to let me speak. But we patch up again later. Even if I didn't chase her, she always find a way back in to me again. I didn't break up with my boyfriend either. How could I when he's the only person who listens to me. Who treats me nice. I feel sane around him.
Few months later, it was time for the science students to leave hostel as our exams were over. I stayed back for Jenifer because she had one more exam left. Why did I waited? Because I didn't wanna make her feel lonely. Everyone hates her enough and deep down I pitied her.
The day we were supposed to leave together, Jenifer came up to me...
Jenifer: You fake bitch! You pretended to be the good girl to everybody just to make me look like the bad person. How I wish I knew your intentions from the start.
Dennis: What?
Jenifer: Stop acting! Even now you're still wearing that fake face. Don't pretend to not know about how everyone thinks I treated you like my maid. Do I really asked you to do all those things for me? Huh? Answer me!
Dennis: No Jennie...it was not like...
Jenifer: You did it on your own will. Whatever I did to you, you never complaint. If you have hated it so much, why didn't you say so? Instead of asking me to stop or not to do, you took in everything. Then acted like the victim in our story to make others to hate me. No wonder you never back me up when I fought with others. You never speak up for me. I wish I never see you again. Goodbye bitch.
This was the last time we met physically. I wish she would hear me out, what I had to say. As a stupid naive girl as I was, I was speechless and didn't know how to form a word. In truth, there are lots of things I left unsaid to Jennifer. I wish I've said...
"No. You didn't ask me to do all those things for you. You did expect me to do it and I did. If I didn't, you'd be mad. If I refused anything, you'd get angry. If I've said 'I don't like it' you would ignore it. You always do. Or even make it worst by doing it more forcefully.
You never even hear me out nor try to know me. But you would get mad at me if someone knows about me more than you do. All you ever did is talk about yourself, your boyfriend, your past, your exes, your family, your ex-friends, what you like, what you don't like, who you hates, who hates you...all about you. Never even ask about me. And this is friendship to you. I'm tired of you. I'm exhausted around you. And it's obvious but you didn't see it. You only saw what you want to see, hears what you want to hear.
But I do wanna know about what you really feel about me. And I know it's something you will never be honest about it. I guess I'll never know." We never will.
Funny how life works. Jenifer came back to me again. This time it's through social media and phone calls. I'm glad we never see each other again. She would send me reels, messages about her life, her photos... she still look pretty for sure. And I kept our chat as minimum as I could.
Later in life, I broke up with my boyfriend. It was a mutual breakup. I went into depression due to family affairs. I posted a stupid post quoting "Why can't nobody tried to understand me?" It's supposed to be directed at my family members. But as the shoe fits Cinderella, she wore it. Jenifer commented "I will never tried to understand you. You don't deserve it. And thank God I never did."
I didn't feel anything about the comment. Just numb and not even surprised. She later deleted it herself.
Few years later, I came out as a bisexual. I dated this amazing girl name Alex. She has flaws and I love it all. Then Jenifer texted me again saying...
"I knew you were always a lesbian. I feel pity for your girlfriend. She doesn't even know you like I do. Should I tell her about us, Dennis? How we use to bath together in the same shower? That we saw eachother everything before she even entered your life."
Did I reply it? No. I ignored her this time. Even blocked her everywhere. Because for someone like Jenifer, the best way of revenge is to take the person she's emotionally attached with out of her life. And I did. Because I knew about the nights she cried after our small fights. How much she is attached to me. Her weakness has always been me. She just doesn't say it.
