Smiles, Hopes, and Confusion

The silence between us finally broke. After what felt like an eternity, Viansh answered me. He said he didn’t have any interest in these kinds of things — he wanted to concentrate on his studies. His dream was to become a doctor, and for that, he had to study harder than ever.

At that moment, I saw the same responsible person in him that I had admired before. His maturity impressed me, but at the same time, his words left me with a storm of mixed feelings. He didn’t say he liked me, yet he didn’t clearly reject me either. My heart clung to that tiny space in between. I convinced myself that if he truly didn’t like me, he would have said it directly. Since he hadn’t, I began assuming that maybe, at least at some corner of his heart, he liked me too.

With this thought, my hopes grew day by day. I fell deeper in love with him. Even though we didn’t talk or see each other regularly, I continued imagining small, happy moments with him — like walking together, sharing books, or simply laughing side by side. These dreams filled the empty spaces of my heart.

Every time I met him, I gathered courage to ask the same question again: “Do you like me or not?” And every single time, he simply smiled. That smile — it was enough to collapse my heart, enough to make me fall for him again and again. It was a smile that gave me strength, yet also left me in complete confusion.

At that age, my mind often drifted into unstable moods. Some days, I would feel confident that he liked me, while on other days, I doubted everything. If he really doesn’t like me, then why do I keep building hopes? Why does he smile at me like that? These thoughts consumed me.

Sometimes, when I saw him in front of me, I would deliberately pretend not to notice. I wanted to protect myself, to avoid getting hurt. Yet, fate had its own way of teasing me. Even when I ignored him, he would still smile at me. And every time he did, my heart became restless again.

One day, while crossing the road, we ended up face-to-face because of traffic. For a moment, we stood very close. He looked at me and gave me that same heart-melting smile. I wanted to smile back immediately, but I shut my feelings inside me and looked away. That night, I couldn’t sleep. I kept replaying the moment in my mind, regretting not smiling back. His face, his smile — they haunted me until the morning.

My hopes returned again. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. But my heart was caught in confusion — did I really love him, or was it just an illusion? More than that, did he like me or not? Why did his actions give me expectations if he didn’t want me?

Unable to keep my thoughts locked inside, I finally decided to write him a letter. In that letter, I poured out everything — my feelings, my questions, my doubts. I asked him clearly: Do you like me or not? If you don’t, then why do you give me hope with your smiles? I also explained that I wouldn’t disturb his studies, that I would never waste his time, and that I only wanted honesty.

I gave him the letter and asked him to reply whenever he saw me next. Days passed, but because of our different college timings, I didn’t get to see him at all. My heart grew restless again.

Then came our final exams. By God’s grace, both of us were assigned the same examination centre. For six days of exams, I got to see him five times. Each time, my heart beat faster with hope. I told myself that on the sixth and last day, I would ask him once again, face-to-face, about his feelings.

But destiny played its cruel game. On that final day, I didn’t get a chance to see him. Not even once. The day ended, the exam was over, and he was gone.