The Hurt We Both Carry

When Saien woke up, everything still hurt.

His eyes were swollen and red. He could barely open them without stinging. He sat up slowly, staring at the ceiling of his quiet room. The sunlight creeping through the cracks in the wooden wall felt too bright.

He dragged himself to the basin and splashed cold water on his face.

But the water couldn’t wash away the pain.

As he stared into his own reflection, the memories came rushing back again—Renju’s cold voice, that woman’s kiss, the way he said *“I don’t love you anymore”* without even blinking.

Tears welled up again.

*What did I do wrong?*

*Was I too much? Or not enough?*

His stomach growled painfully. A dull ache twisted in his gut.

“I should eat…” he murmured weakly.

In the kitchen, he reached for whatever food was left — bread, dried fruits, rice cakes. He didn’t stop. Bite after bite, he stuffed the pain down with food. But the tears kept falling.

“I’m not enough…” he whispered between mouthfuls. “I’m handsome. Pretty, even. People have told me that my whole life…”

His voice cracked.

“Then why… why did he stop loving me? Why did he throw me away?”

He broke down again, tears dripping onto the half-eaten food. His emotions were wild—one moment rage, the next despair. His mood swung like a broken pendulum.

After eating, he staggered back to his room and collapsed on the bed. Soggy with tears. Sleepy. Empty.

It had been like this for days.

But today, he finally told himself—

*I can’t keep going like this.*

---

Later that morning, Saien walked slowly to the healer’s house, feeling dizzy and heavy. The healer—a stern yet kind older man—let him in with a quiet nod.

“I haven’t been feeling well,” Saien said softly. “Can you check me?”

The healer looked him over, checking his pulse, his breath, his eyes. Then he paused.

“…Why are you walking around without a mate?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Huh?” Saien blinked.

“You’re pregnant,” the healer said plainly.

“…What?”

“You’re pregnant,” the healer repeated. “It’s dangerous to be alone in your state. You should have someone with you.”

Saien’s mouth parted slightly, breath caught. “But… I don’t have a mate. How is that possible?”

The healer gave him a sharp look. “Have you been intimate with someone recently?”

Saien stared into the distance. Then it hit him.

*Renju.*

*The summer night beneath the peach trees…*

“…Yes,” he whispered. “Yes, I have. Or… I did.”

The healer sighed. “Well. That’s your answer. Go home. You need to rest and take care of yourself now — not just for you, but for the child inside you.”

Saien left, barely feeling the ground beneath his feet.

---

*How am I supposed to raise a child… alone?*

*How can I be strong enough for this?*

He thought of Renju.

Of the cold goodbye.

Of the woman beside him.

Of how his heart shattered.

*He’ll never know. He’ll never be part of this child’s life.*

Saien clenched his fists.

*I have to disappear. For my child’s sake. And for mine.*

He packed quietly. Clothes. Food. A small pouch of coins. He didn’t need much. Just enough to start again.

He looked back at his home one last time.

“Goodbye,” he whispered.

He boarded the carriage. The road was long, but peaceful. The city faded behind him, replaced by open skies, farmland, gentle wind, and a quiet that wrapped around his broken heart like a blanket.

When he arrived, a friendly local approached him.

“Hello, traveler. Where are you headed?”

“I’m looking for a place to stay,” Saien said. “Maybe to buy or rent. Somewhere quiet.”

“I’ll call someone to help with your things. Wait here,” the man said with a warm smile.

“Thank you,” Saien replied softly.

He didn’t know this place.

But for the first time in a long while…

He felt like maybe he could breathe again.

---

### 💭 Meanwhile... In the Palace

Renju sat alone in his room.

His fingers traced the windowsill. His mind wasn’t here. Not in the palace. Not in this world.

It was still with **Saien**.

*How are you now…?*

“I know I hurt you,” he whispered into the still air. “I lied. I pushed you away. I told you I didn’t love you. But it was never true.”

His voice was shaking.

“I did it to protect you. They would’ve used you against me. I had to make you leave… before someone truly hurt you.”

A loud *thud* broke the silence as the door flew open.

“Why are you moping like this?” said a man—his old friend, annoyed. “You’ve been cold ever since you let him go.”

Renju didn’t respond. He didn’t move.

The man crossed the room and stopped beside him.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you? The one you pushed away.”

Renju closed his eyes.

“If you had just held on a little tighter… he’d still be in your arms right now.”

“I know,” Renju murmured. “But I just wanted to protect him.”

The man sighed. “You’re seriously in love, huh.”

“I’d give up my crown, my life… everything. Just so he doesn’t suffer. Just so he lives.”

“Then why not fight for him?” the man snapped. “Why send him away if you could’ve fought this battle **together**?”

Renju said nothing.

Because deep down, he wasn’t sure if he deserved to.

---

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