chapter three

Taking a deep breath before walking out of the safe part of the bar to where Venus was chatting with a tanned guy,I tapped her shoulder slightly....

"I'll take it from here.."

She looked back at me skeptically and said something to the guy who nodded and left..

I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her as she started to drag me inside, knowing full well that she won't let me leave the bar if she gets there,I raised my hand to stop her.

I'm done being the one in need of a savior, always..so fucking done with being scared.

"I'm sure I can handle another day of annoying chit-chats and plastic blonde glaring daggers at me."

She looked at all the people in the club, dancing laughing and talking then back at me. She didn't look convinced as she whispered,low enough for only me to hear..

"I heard some of the girls talk about one of the staffs acting weird here.."

She looked worried that I'd freak as she said that,I could tell..but I kept my face neutral.

It doesn't means that I wasn't freaking out inside my head!

Oh.. great. The news of my ' acting weird' has already spread..

I could tell she was holding back from me, but I didn't need to know the details,it was already bad enough that people saw me crying today..

For a moment,I was thinking of taking V on her offer and avoiding anymore attention today,but then I remembered myself to get a grip and nodded my head at her..

"Yeah.. but I'm fine now.I can do this."

I stared at her, willing her to understand me..

Please V,I need to do this...

I don't know what she thought of me acting so stubborn all of a sudden, but after looking at me for another moment she nodded as if she can read my thoughts and whispered,

"Call me if you need any help. I'll be around.Fred needs a refill, and get the orders from the guys on the couch."

For a slight moment,I thought I heard her smirk as she winked at me and excused herself, but then thought I must be imagining things..

I released another of the sigh before walking inside the bar to get a pair of beer as the Fred's table asked for refills..

What I didn't realise was, that was a mistake.

A huge one at that..

Giving Fred the bottles, and smiling at his pleasantries as I walked to the couch..

The couch.

I thought of that day's incidents,I couldn't help but cringe at the thoughts of Ray Styles,the almighty guy in a flashy black Range Rover..

I wonder if he reached home safely..

I recoiled at my own thoughts, since when do I care about rich guys who thinks they own the world?

I was going to shake my head and continue on my quest of getting the orders,well,that was the plan..

My feet faltered as I stared at the tall guy with piercing blue eyes sitting on the couch with his friends as he stared..uh, right at me.

My first thought was, what is he doing here?

My second thought was, doesn't he has anything better to do than looking at me?

He isn't scowling at me, like the last time he asked who I am,but just looking at me.. like he's trying to figure me out...

There was a teeny tiny part of me which was relieved that he isn't scowling,but I trampled that part along with any other thoughts I might be having of him..

Maybe it has something to do with his eyes,or maybe it's just my brain playing tricks at me, but I felt like I'm being observed, like the times when you observe a cell under a microscope...

You're reading too much novels these days, woman..

Goddamn it, Trinity...get a grip of yourself!

Then,I realised that I'm just.. standing there, not moving as he stares at me..

I must look like a stupid person so I shook my head, breaking the spell and pulled on my big girl pants before walking the rest of the way to him..

I mean them. His friends.

There's no way in hell that I'm going to be anywhere near five feet distance of him,what if he tries to hug me again?

His friends,the other guys on the couch were laughing and chatting but they stopped as I approached them, and I swear I saw them changing looks as they gave their orders to me..

When everyone has ordered their orders,of course minus Mr. Expensive car who I suppose is still staring at me,I stared to make my way to the bar..

"Didn't Niall teach you to ask for orders from the customers?"

I swear I wanted to walk back to him and shove a empty beer bottle down his throat when I turned back and as patiently as I can asked what he'd like to order.

"Water only. Thanks for asking, finally."

I clenched my fists as some of the guys snickered at his oh-so-subtle answer,but stopped myself from kicking him straight in the nuts..

Instead,I gave him one of my signature **** off smile and walked back to the bar, fuming all the way..

Who does he thinks that he is?

If it wasn't for Niall's strict order that we should never treat a customer poorly, I would surely have gave him a piece of my mind, wrapped in cactus...

"I'm surprised you kept your cool for that long.."

I squealed, almost dropping the bottles of wine as I turned back to face...

All the blood in my body started to get to my head as I stared at the smug face of Ray Styles as he leaned in the counter oh-so-innocently as his eyes tracked my every movements..

"You.... It's you."I meant those words to be a threat,or a accusation but it came out wrong,I sounded like a three years old who saw a rott weiler and got scared..

That rott weiler is this guy standing..well, almost in front of me.

"Yeah. It's me." He replied just as sarcastically and I wanted to use his head as a bottle opener..

Oh wait. It's too blunt to open a bottle!

I turned my back on him as I stared making the orders,not even sparing him another reply..

Take that, asshole!

I hoped he's left when I heard nothing, for a silent, peaceful,sweet moment..

"You've been here for how long? I don't remember you here the last time I visited.."

My shoulders stiffened,of course he's not gone already...

I turned,now my hands filled with a pair of glasses filled with shots and I shoved them at his hands... literally.

I was hoping he'd lose his balance and drop them..but sheesh..

He somehow managed to balance all of them together.. lucky bastard.

"Here's your order.now please, leave me the hell alone."

If looks could kill, he'd be dead by now..

"That's going to be really hard to do, Thunderbird.."

Says what?

He stood up straight,now his six something weird height towering over my five three as he looked back at me, eyes gleaming as he smiled,then he was gone..

I have no idea what's the intention of that guy..

I thought as I realised that I was holding my breath and released it,as it whooshed out of me I slumped against the barstools..

I grabbed at the orange juice from the fridge where V stashes away her secret Mr.O treasure..

************

I stared at the thinning crowds of the bar as I contemplated when I should leave today..

Mr. Expensive car has decided to stay here till the end of the day, and probably the night as well and I caught him staring at me once or twice..

But thankfully,I was too sneaky to look at him without really looking at him..

I swear it's just that he keeps staring at me, which makes me uncomfortable as hell.. nothing else..

Nothing else at all!

Though his buddies,who I suppose are his buddies because they clapped his shoulder before leaving the club...

I don't get why he's still sitting here, not that I care but he's just sitting there..

He didn't drink,at all today because I've seen him ask for water to plastic blonde once or twice, because I refused to give him water...

I stared at my nails that are in serious need of a manicure and wondered for ..well several times now if he's here because he has to talk to Niall..

I mean, of course he's here to talk to Niall, he's Niall's nephew after all!

"I see... stalking much,huh?" Someone whispered next to me..

I squealed, almost falling off the stool as I did so, and glared at V..

"Damn it girl,stop scaring me like that.."

I checked if he's looking at me, and..bam.

Our gaze connected.

Yeah, he's looking at me alright...

I stared away..

What the actual **** is wrong with me these days?

Scolding my subconscious for even thinking of him, and myself for uh, staring at him,I switched my gaze at a very smug looking Venus.

"You like my cousin."

What.. what?I like who?

I must've looked as confused as I felt because she started giggling and making kissing noise at me..

Oh God.. Someone bring me a dustbin, please..Or a paperbag!

Leave it to V to make something as ridiculous as me liking him....

Yeah.. I'd like him,in mars. Not even in mars, probably..

"Shut up, you stupid bitch. What are you saying.."I pushed a bunch of popcorns I've been munching on in her mouth that I was devouring not too long ago,to stop her from humiliating me any further as I pulled her inside the staff only room..

"What are you saying V?I like who?" I chided at her, grabbing her hands in a death grip..

I swear this woman makes me so so mad.. Someday I'm gonna push her into a manhole!

She started tickling me and I was forced to release her..

"You're kidding me,Trin. I watched you sneaking glances at him in the bar, and the times you were giving Fred a refill, and that time you started talking to the guy from San Diego.."

I shook my head,yeah..I was kind of looking at him.

Kind of. Not really..

"I'm not interested in him,V. Seriously. I despise that guy.."

"It was looking like something else when you were slumping into the barstools like you were breathless, right after he left.. and I watched you drink my Mr.O as well.."

I glared at her, now I feel annoyed that she's been...wait.

"You were spying on me as well, Venus Morrison."

I accused, now my annoyance climbing up the radar real fast as she keeps giving the kissing face..

"Of course I was!Lady,as your best friend,I deserve to know what you think and who you're interested in!"

I could tell she's becoming annoyed at me as well, and besides,I don't wanna fight with my best friend over some stupid guy,so I backtracked...

"Of course V, but I swear, it's not like that. I'm just.. annoyed that he tried to hug me, and now he's acting all chatty asking me for how long I've been working here." I rolled my eyes at the ridiculousness of the scene and continued,

"I was just... well, curious as to why he's still here when his buddies has already left, that's all."

If I didn't knew her as much as I do now, I'd think she's creating a strategy of "How To Kill Trinity"...

I looked up at her face and thought,God, this woman is so nosey and out loud I said,

"Hey now, don't go all I-don't-believe-you-because-you're-lying on me, okay?"

For a moment,I could feel the gears in her mind turning but then she grinned back at me and replied..

"I don't believe you,Trin. You do like him, you just don't realise it but I promise to keep my mouth shut until you do.."

Then in a very Venus-like way she waved her hand in my face and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my confusion...

'You do like him but you just don't realise it...'

What does that even mean?

I stared at my hands again,she doesn't realise what I'm meaning..I don't like him like that, but there's uh, I guess I am somewhat attracted to him.

Somewhat.

I sighed, okay so this is going south real soon..I need to stop thinking about him. Like,now. Because... nothing is coming out of this so-called attraction.

Taking a huge gulp of air, I started off in the direction of the bar, hoping for the best...

"I don't think we're in any position for pleasantries, Styles.."

Halfway through the sliding doors of the club,my feet stopped moving when I heard someone scream... the voice sounded somewhat familiar..

Is that,by any chance George?

"Dude, that was a long time ago..I can't believe you hold a grudge against me even now, and besides I did say I'm sorry for that day."

The other voice was of Ray Styles.. I would know his voice anywhere.

Then I thought better of my thoughts and added, because it's that hideous.

"You should shut the **** up, Styles.I don't want any problems in this club."

Now I'm pretty certain that the other voice is of George, but what I'm surprised by is the way he's saying those words to Styles.

George didn't look like the guy to get angry real soon, but what do I know?

It seems that they have a past rivalry,huh?

I was gonna walk away from the bar and let them sort out their stuffs, but against my better judgements,I felt myself peeking into the room..

Ray shook his head,as if he can't believe.. something.

I almost asked what happened then,out loud,but stopped myself before I could as I stared back at Ray..

Thank God I didn't,that would be so... yeah, weird...

I looked between Ray and George as they...well, glared at each other..

I have to say, I'm really impressed with the way Styles is handling the insults(which are really cool, the insults) thrown a his way...

I was thinking, for someone as disgusting as him, he'd probably climb on the counter and try to punch George,but he just stared at him and nodded his head, smirking slightly as he backed off..

I looked at George who now looks like he'd use punching something...or someone as he ran out of the house,his face red in anger, probably..

What the..

"Show's over, Thunderbird. You can come inside now."

Ahh..crap. I'm busted.

I stiffened... Maybe if I stand here he'd let it go, probably.

"I can see you through the mirrors all over the dancefloor.Come out now and I promise not to mention it.." he was full on grinning now when I walked inside..

No point in awaiting the inevitable, you know..

"I was just going to get my stuff and leave,but you two were..well,in middle of a screaming match,so I thought I'd wait some more.."I answered,my tone clipped as I picked up my purse that I've left in the counter, and started to walk outside.

"It wasn't intentional. I was just surprised that.. George would scream at someone, even if it's you. Guess what?You bring out the worst in everyone.."

I muttered,it wasn't intended to reach to him but by the way he's laughing, I guess he's got supersonic hearing..

I was closing the doors of Niall when I heard him saying,

"It's snowing outside, besides it's late.. Don't you think you shouldn't go alone?"

My hand stopped the door from closing completely and I looked up at his blue eyes.

If looks could kill, he'd be lying in a coffin while people utter prayers all around him,but since it can't he looked back at me just as intensely.

"Look, whoever you are, you don't know me. I do not know you. We're not friends.Not even close. So stop acting like are. What I'm doing, is none of your damn business. And,stop calling me Thunderbird. It's not my name."

With that,I let the door close in his face..

***************

Wrapping my palm around the warm cup of coffee,I sat cross legged on my bed, munching over a piece of cake that was leftover from tomorrow..

For a minute,I felt so peaceful as I stared at the window and saw tiny drops of water cascading down the glass as the ice melts, slowly...

I smiled at the faraway pine tree that's now covered in snow and looks like a huge icecream,I stared as two kids started skating through the thick layer of smoke that has made the ground look like.. vanilla frosting.

I laughed along with them as the girl,who looks a little younger than the guy lost her balance and toppled to the ground..

However,my light mood wasn't long lasting, as I remembered the time back then...

It was snowing heavily, and I was sitting in my old study chair as I stared at my neighbour's kids make a snowman through the window..

I was ten years old then, and I didn't have many friends, because...of course,who would want to be friends with a girl who's dad is abusive and a drunk asshole, right?

Right.

That was mainly why I was homeschooled, because no one wanted me. No one needed me.

I was of no importance.. just like I am now.

But I wanted to play,I started to request mom that I wanted to 'go out and be a little kid.',I remember the exact words I said to her and her eyes filled with tears..

"I'm..so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault." She kissed me in the cheek and told me to go play outside..

I was overjoyed as I rushed outside,all my teeth showing from the stupid grin in my face as I ran towards Bill and his sister Hannah..

They were really nice to me, different from what I've always felt and took me to play with them..

I remembered making my first snowman when I was ten,my hands were numb from the cold but I was smiling the whole time,even when we pushed a carrot in Mr. Lovely to make his nose..

We played until late at evening,then his parents came out and saw me playing with them..

I remember their first expression as they saw me,it was of pure disgust. For my sake,they tried to act nonchalant but it was as clear as daylight to me as they scolded their kids as they dragged them inside..

You are not wanted here. We don't want our kids to play with toxic people.

I didn't go out to play with them anymore, because..well,I was a kid but I understood that people didn't like me.

It's not even about my parents being a huge ****-up.. maybe it's me who is the wrong one here, maybe it's them..

It doesn't even matters now..

I didn't realise that I was walking down memory lane for over a hour,but when I looked outside again,the sun has long set down, and the kids have probably ran to their home...to their safe place..

I just wish I had a safe place like them...

Sighing,I walked out to the sink and kept the now empty bowl and coffee mug in it, thinking of all the shit I didn't get to do..

Sitting on my small bed,I put my laptop on my lap and opened the secret folder I've been keeping for these two years, that holds all the things I want to do...even now.

And all the things I'd probably never get to do..

The folder is named as "All the things I ever wanted"

I opened the folder.

It had only one document in it,I couldn't help the laugh that came out of me as I opened the document..

Hey... This is Trinity Rivers .

The girl that died a long time ago, while she was bound to the headboard of her father's room as they grabbed her and took her innocence from her.

Or maybe she died when she watched the lifeless body of her mother, staring into nothing as she was hanging from the ceiling...

Or maybe it was when she was staring at the face of the man that has ruined everything for her as he lies inside a coffin, looking as innocent as ever as he slept..

I'm not sure when I died,but I don't feel.. alive.

Like, I'm not really into my own self,you know?

Is this what they call alive?Is this how we live?

What is the definition of living?

You get up everyday,brush your teeth, look into the mirrors at the dead eyes of a girl and dab eyeliner on it so that she could look pretty.

Pretty.

Yes, that's very important...

If you don't put on makeup, and look like you're straight out of a magazine, you're not worth living..

So you put on makeup everyday, thinking to yourself that I have to live..I have to live, dammit.

Then you try to Live.. Capital letters.

You try to get a apartment for yourself,try to get yourself a job that pays you enough so you can..yes, live!

You try for getting extra money so you can live!

And then you have to pay the electric bills, and did I mention rent of your house?How about all the times you need a transportation,if you have a car that's even better!

Pay for the gas to... live,yes !.

If you're into hot people, you can try to find someone to live!

You get wasted because you want to live..you get your manicures and pedicures because you want to live..you get your promotion and be happy about it because you want to live!

So I've come to this conclusion that you spend your whole life just trying to Live and getting shit done to live...but yet you never actually look back and think,what is living?

But is that what life is? Is that what our purpose should be?

Just trying to live?

I guess no one will ever know,but I don't want to live..

What? I'm not lying..I don't want to live.

I guess,I don't care either way..what will happen if I die?

Does it really matters of my existence if it's just.. erased?

What do we get from trying to live?

I'll tell you the answer...Nothing.

No one really cares if you have ate anything last night or if you slept well,they just want their shit to get done and be done with you..

Harsh?Oh yeah..I guess. No one ever said that truth is all about flowers and chocolates..

The truth will kill you from inside out, crushing every bones in your body so that you can't stand up again, it'll make you feel your darkest fears,your worst insecurities would play on your mind..over and over, again and again..

Trust me, I know.

You'd want to scream,to break things to do... something. Anything.

You will stand in front of a empty parking lot, trying to make the sounds come out of your throat as you succumb to your knees..

But the words won't come out, it's just under the surface,you feel it everytime you reach for it, and sometimes even when you don't..but it won't come out.

You'll sit there staring at the ground for a hour,then stood up from your previous position, eventually.

It won't be easy but you'll have to.. that's the thing about we people,no matter how bad we're hurt,we always come around.. always.

I've thought of dying,of getting this meaningless life over with,but everytime I stand in front of the mirror with a knife to my throat,or my wrist,or the times I tried to make myself overdose in drugs..

"Baby, you have to live.. Please.You have to live. I'll be watching you from among the stars."

As I said, we're such complicated creatures,even when you don't want to live..you would want to.

You will have to..

Because that's all I've ever wanted to do,to live.

- Trinity Rivers.

I closed the folder, feeling more uncomfortable with myself by the time and decided to listen to songs..

I plugged in my earphones and started playing Taylor Swift as I logged into my Facebook account..

There's two messages,both of them from Evan saying he won't be able to come get me tomorrow because Eve has her checkup..

The next one is saying what a bad brother he is where he beat himself up over nothing..

I rolled my eyes at his self-doubt, guess I'm not the only one unhappy with myself..

I looked at the clock and texted V: Hey V,call me when you can. Gotta talk to you.

After logging out of Facebook,I stared at the screen for a whole minute before opening it again. .

I searched for Ray Styles...

What? I'm just curious..I bat at my subconscious making googly eyes at me as I clicked on his profile and.. I'm sure my jaw is on the floor now..bed, whatever.

His profile picture is a picture of him,of course it's his profile after all...but he's shirtless in the picture,his eyes shining as he looks at the camera,by the look of it he's only wearing a towel around his waist..

I clicked on it and I'm now looking in the picture of a certain guy that I absolutely hate..

I covered my eyes with my face, what I am doing sneaking in his profile and getting all Fangirl over him?

I peeked from under my hands and pursed my lips,I knew he was well built and all as I stared at his back moving towards the couch but the black material didn't show all these..shit, muscles in his body.

He's got one frigging six pack, and his abdomen looks like someone stacked a numbers of bread there, my eyes tripped over his biceps,chest and finally stopped in his lips..

It's unfair that this, disgusting, infuriating guy has lips like this..he doesn't deserve those lips.

I closed my laptop and kept it aside before standing up straight.

Okay. Thats enough. Focus, Trinity.

I rubbed my thumbs over my eyes,then stared at the wall for a whole minute.

Okay.. okay. I'll say it, I'll say it.. I'm attracted to him.

Sighing,I sat down on the bed, hiding my face in a pillow..

It's not that I haven't felt attracted to people..and it makes me really, really uncomfortable.

but it's never to this scale of uncomfortable.

I usually stop looking at them,or checking them out if I feel uncomfortable.. but that's the problem.

I should just stop looking at him,or even fake being ill and get a week leave from the club for a few days.. maybe that'll make him go away..

Probably.

I groaned,I can't cut a week of salary for some stupid dude..