Idiot and Grenades

Idiot and Grenades

Chapter Title: “Spiderman in a Lungi”

Adhiraj’s POV

I was never afraid of death. Or bullets. Or even my bloody enemies who whisper my name like I’m some bedtime horror story. But standing on the third-floor window grill of Devika’s ancestral house at midnight, one sweaty palm holding onto a wobbly pipe, the other trying to signal Aditya on Bluetooth—I realised fear had a name.

And it was Rajagopalan Nair.

Her father. Lieutenant Colonel. Tank-hearted. Daughter-obsessed.

“Big Bad Wolf has entered Yakshi territory,” Aditya whispered in my ear like a low-budget horror narrator. “Aunties spotted at 1 o'clock. Laughing like villains from serials. Confirmed: black magic happening on ground floor.”

I froze. The pipe creaked. My leg slipped. “Adarsh,” I hissed, clutching a rusty railing for dear life, “tell my mother I died trying to do something pure—like eloping with literature.”

Adarsh’s voice came flat over the call. “You’re not dying. You’re climbing like a wet crow. Stick to the plan. Go up. Knock her window. Whisper your villain line.”

“My villain line?”

“Yeah. The one you practiced in front of the mirror—‘I’m your fate in a black shirt.’ That one.”

Aditya giggled. “Bro, say it like a serial killer. Add echo.”

I rolled my eyes and pulled myself up. Devika’s window was slightly open, just like last time. Only this time, no flowerpot hit me. Small victories.

I peeked in. Dim fairy lights. Fluffy cushions. Teddy bears. A pink poster that said “Only Villains Deserve Love”.

I almost proposed right there.

Slowly, I climbed in—quiet, lethal, like a jungle cat. Or so I thought.

Until a wet nose touched my feet.

And then—

SLURP.

“AHHH!” I screamed like a dramatic heroine. My knees buckled. My back arched like a yoga instructor. I tripped over a beanbag, somersaulted into her vanity chair and blacked out like a Bollywood mother.

When I opened my eyes, I was tied to the same chair—with a sparkly rope. My ankles knotted. My hands behind my back. A pink clip in my hair. The Golden Retriever—Dev—slapping my chest rhythmically with his fluffy tail like he was exorcising a demon.

And then I saw her.

Devika.

In a cotton kurti. Curly hair everywhere. Eyes wide. Lips red from biting them.

“Oh,” she said sweetly, “it’s you again. The Desi Spiderman.”

“Wife,” I croaked.

She poured cold water on my face.

“Nope,” she said cheerfully. “Stalker.”

“I came to kidnap you,” I coughed. “Romantically.”

“I tied you,” she chirped, pulling her phone. “Should I call my dad or the police?”

“NO!” I shrieked. “Not the Colonel! I’ll die!”

She tilted her head. “Then behave. Or I’ll show this to my brother Mukundan. He’s on night shift. Navy, you know. Sharp aim.”

“I’ll behave,” I whimpered.

Dev jumped onto my lap like a baby goat and sneezed on my face. Then tail-slapped me again.

Downstairs, the aunties laughed again. A long, echoing “Heheheheee…”

I gasped. “Do you keep Yakshis in your basement?”

“No,” she grinned. “That’s just my grandmother watching a Malayalam serial with surround sound.”

My Bluetooth crackled. “Adarsh to Wolf, do you copy? Is the girl safe? Is she crying in your arms? Is she calling you darling?”

“No,” I whispered. “She’s waterboarded me, tied me in tinsel, and her puppy is interrogating me.”

Pause.

“Damn,” Aditya said, “so romantic.”

And then—silence.

Because apparently, they thought I’d died.

The SUV sped off.

Devika put her hands on her hips. “So. You came to take me.”

“I came to make you mine forever.”

“You fainted because my puppy licked your foot.”

“Details,” I muttered.

She smirked and sat cross-legged on the bed like a goddess judging a sinner. “Say something worthy of my attention.”

“I memorized every quote you ever wrote about villains. I sleep hugging your book.”

Her lips twitched. “Which one?”

“Even villains bleed when they love soft girls.”

For a second, she looked stunned. Then amused. Then—

She took a selfie with me tied up.

“You’ll make a great Instagram story,” she said.

And just like that—

I fell harder.

Not from the window this time.

But into the chaos that was Devika.

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