Human?

I was hoping someone would notice the signs. I'm falling apart again. I just picked up the pieces I swear but it's all for nothing. I'm back to being broken and shit.... I have never wanted to die more than ever. Surely I had urges but this is so much worse. I actually acted on that urge. I made an attempt to end everything and I don't know. I'm not happy I survived. Am I supposed to say unfortunately or fortunately I survived? I say fortunately for people to be at ease about me. But it's really a lie. It's unfortunate for me.

They say it's unfair for me to die. That it's selfish. But what about me? They're still thinking of themselves even when it's me who suffers. It's me... I can't even share my burden fully because I'm not the only one who's suffering. So when I'm suffering, I have to think for them. When they suffer, I have to think for them too. It's them. It's him. It's her. It's never me. But hey, I made peace with that... Or so I thought but why is it that I have wounds from it.

"I tried to kill myself if that makes it better."

"AND SO DID I!"

You can decide which of those two is me. But either way... I'm tired. I am a people pleaser. I don't understand them. I care about them but I don't know why. I don't care about what happens in their lives. I don't find interest in them and yet I love them. Or mostly I have to. Because that is what it is to be human. To love people so you'll have a purpose. So you won't be alone. Don't get me wrong, some I do genuinely love but why is it so wrong for me to not care about other people I know about? Why is it wrong for me to not care about the people I don't know about? I'm confused.

They say that makes me heartless. That makes me feel inhuman. But I thought that would make me human. I've searched for answers and it always ends up with a mental illness. I'm autistic? I'm a psychopath? I'm a sociopath? But I'm just human. I swear I am but all of you makes me feel otherwise. What is wrong with me?

"You're like a robot."

"You're heartless."

"You're ice cold."

If so, why am I hurt by those words. I put up a front as if I enjoy those comments but deep down it hurts. Is it wrong for me to not understand being human whilst being human. Does the inability to fit in make me inhuman? A freak? You all have these big emotions and I can't even grasp a slip of it. You all care so much when I can't even get myself to have a sliver of that. I can't feel shit for people anymore.

And why is it wrong that I can't? It's not my fault I can't? All I've learned is the appropriate responses to every word, feelings, phrases and sentences to not seem insensitive. I don't feel what I say but it makes people happy. It's ironic I do that to feel human when it makes me feel even less. Have I really fallen down this low? I thought that when I fell from myself before, there is no way I could've gone lower but here I am.

And what is being human exactly? Is it limited to being able to fit in society? It seems as soon as I express these thoughts out loud, you either invalidate it or call me stupid. At least that's what I've heard so far. I've tried my best to fit in with you guys. But with just one slip up, I am degraded for it. I don't understand why. You all have the ability to feel more compassion and sympathy for others than I do but you use that against me. Why? And when you have those feelings that I envy, you have more contempt than me. You are more capable than I to hurt someone for not being the same as you are. I don't understand.

I'm scared to even show this to people who says they care about me. I don't understand them so I don't even know how they'll react. I guess not matter what I do, I end up in shitholes and mistakes. I don't understand really. I try but I don't. It's so complex to me. Emotions are so difficult for me.

"If that's how you feel."

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