Copying With grief

"Are you sure this is the right place?" The ever sweet ever innocent looking Max gazed around at the collection of seedy nightclubs and bars that made up the bad downtown area of Bakuten Tyson's hometown.

"Maxie, Maxie, Maxie! I know this is all new to you but Kai's in a self destructive state right now, this is where he will be." Tala shook his head "Look Kai's gonna be around here somewhere and we need to find him. If you aren't able to do this…."

"It's Kai" Max told him "I've seen him when he gets self destructive and I don't want him to hurt himself. Of course I can do this"

"Alright" Tala nodded feeling an odd sense of admiration for the way Max said this, he was beginning to gain new respect for the blonde. Max was grieving just as badly as the rest of them but he always managed to put that aside in order to help Kai "everyone take a bar text everyone if you find him, do not try to handle him on you own"

There were nods as the Blitzkrieg Boys and the old Blade Breaker teams all headed off into the different bars to look for Kai.

"Another one" Kai held out his glass waiting for the bartender to pour some more sake into it.

In this last week it had become a ritual for Kai at the end of a long day of sitting by the beach staring into the horizon to wind down in one of the worst bars in town where he was likely to find alcohol and usually a fight.

"Are you sure?" the bartender asked looking concerned, it wasn't unusual for people to come to this bar to get trashed but there was a sense of despair in the young mans eyes that worried even the most hard hearted of people.

Kai said nothing merely giving the man a look that was reminiscent of the ice sculpture Tala had created during his beybattle.

"Ok" getting the message the bartender poured him another shot of the rice wine

Kai knocked back the drink with remarkable ease smiling as he watched a couple of guys squaring off against each other. He could tell that this would soon turn into a free-for-all fight where pretty much everyone in the bar would join in and quite a few people ended up spending a night in the cells.

So far Tala had come down and bailed him out twice, Kai still had seventeen stitches running down his arm where a broken bottle had slashed into him. This last week he had suffered a broken nose, two black eyes and three broken fingers, the hospital had prescribed him four different types of pain killers and he hadn't taken any of them. The thing was he liked the pain, it was easier to bear than the numbing emptiness he felt within, the pain was good.

"So here you are" the voice beside Kai made him groan, the last thing he wanted right now was company.

Not even bothering to look at the newcomer Kai muttered "I thought that by being here no one would find me"

"Yeah well it's a small world" Tia took a seat beside Kai and nodded to the bartender "just a coke, I'm driving"

"And another for me, I'm paying for both" Kai handed over a bank note and was poured another drink "Keep the change. You'd better not tell anyone about this place"

Shaking her head Tia sighed "Kai if they need to find you…."

"Promise you won't tell" Kai looked at her his eyes so deeply troubled that Tia just didn't have the heart to refuse him

"Alright I promise, but if I need to find you again I'm coming back here and I'll bring Mariah with me, with her hormonal state she could kick your *** from here to next week."

"OK" Kai was unable to stop a smallsardonic chuckle from escaping as he nodded "Still you shouldn't be in this area, its dangerous"

"I knew you'd be around here, what with the guys always scouting your usual territory" Tia shrugged, she'd travelled to the next town to find Kai tonight "And as for it being a dangerous area I'll just depend on you to get me home safe"

"No one should depend on me, Hilary depended on me, look where that got her" normally Kai didn't talk about Hilary but in the alcoholic daze his wall dropped and he would talk

"You were in another country" Tia told him shaking her head "you couldn't have done anything"

"I shouldn't have left her. I shouldn't have left her knowing that she was still in danger" frowning angrily Kai clenched his hand around the glass wishing he could break it..., he couldn't the drink he had consumedwas beginning to weaken him numbing him physically as well as mentally.

"It had been weeks, we all thought that it was over"

"No" Kai shook his head downing his drink "I know my grandfather, I always knew he didn't give up that easily. I wish I was dead"

"I know how you feel" Tia agreed smiling as the barman finally handed her drink she took a small sip "Thank you. I just wish I'd been around her for longer, I lost so many years of being her friend"

"Why did you and Hilary lose contact for so long?" Kai asked interested, he knew Hillary well enough to know that she didn't give up on friendship easily.

"I had an abusive boyfriend" Tia told him shrugging "She told me he was bad news I didn't want to hear it and stopped all contact with her. She was right of course."

"She was always right" he muttered unhappily

"Yeah...,well almost always. HeyKai can I ask you a question and promise you won't be offended?"

"What's the question?"

"I don't know how to put it so I'll just come right out and ask. How often have you considered throwing yourself off something?"

"At least once every waking hour." he replied totally honestly

Tia nodded "Right! Should I be worried? I don't think Hilary… I just want to make sure…."

"I'm not going to do it." he told her taking a swig of drink

"Good, just wanted to be sure.I'm not that bad myself, but it is like a part of me's missing, even when I was away from Hilary just knowing she was out there somewhere made me feel good about myself. The idea she's not in the world anymore makes it such a scary place to be."

Kai nodded understandingly "There are only two things that are keeping me going right now."

"What are they?"

"That after the funeral I'm going after her killers and that at night…" Kai broke off taking another drink from his glass before holding it out to be refilled "at night she's in my dreams. She's with me every night and it is a comfort sometimes" the glass was filled and he threw down a twenty muttering 'just leave the bottle' the bartender took the money and left the bottle.

"Only sometimes?" Tia asked

Kai gave her a confused look "What?"

"You said the dreams were 'a comfort sometimes' why only sometimes?"

"If the dream was particularly real I wake up and for a second I forget, I forget that she's gone and when I remember that she is gone, and I won't ever see her again it hurts more than ever." Kai frowned angrily, what he didn't like to tell her was thatsometimes he woke up in a cold sweat unsure of what his dream had been. It made him feel weak and useless but most of all he missed waking up and not having Hilary there. True they weren't always together but he had grown accustomed to her warmth and company, he missed her so badly.

"I have to say something at her funeral" Tia told him changing the subject"I've got to write it, I don't know what to say"

"Don't look at me for help, we never even had a song." Kai frowned "I never knew that was important but according to her cousins all couples should have a song."

"Only couples in movies have songs these days" Tia told him "her cousins just don't know what music to play, I've helped them pick out loads"

"I guess the closest we have is..." Kai paused taking another sip of drink

"What?"

"Bruce Springsteen's born to run, it's the only song we sang together"

"Very romantic!" she snorted a little

"Very true of who we were at the time, we'd done a lot of running and we had a load more to come"

"What song would you say suits you now?"

"Linkin Park's Numb"

Tia laughed "I'll remember that"

"No" Kai shook his head "I guess that song No Air" he paused before taking a swig from the bottle of drink "The whole bit about losing you is like living in a world with no air. When I last spoke to Hilary she said she loved that song"

Behind them the fight Kai had been looking forward to started up, glancing over at his companion Kai shrugged picking up the bottle of sake "I guess I better get you out of here huh?"

"You can join in if you like" Tia gave him an understanding grin but Kai shook his head before standing up (a little unsteadily) and offering his hand to his companion, smiling at the chivalric action Tia took his hand allowed him to get her out of the bar.

Sitting in the hotel Mariah was waiting for Ray to get home, he had gone out as usual to make sure Kai got home ok and she didn't resent that in the least but she worried about him. She didn't like himgoing into dangerous bars where he could get into a fight. Lucky for her Tia, Millie and Max were staying in the same hotel and Tia would visit a lot usually bringing something with her to distract them all. This week it had been a really simple book all about the nine months of pregnancy, they had spent ages pouring over it and occasionally laughing at something that struck them as pointless. The first chapter had explained that being pregnant mean there was a new life growing inside of you... well duh!

Resting a hand on her stomach and contemplating the new life growing inside of her Mariah sighed, all this had seemed so much easier when Hilary had been there she had known all the medical details and found it easy to explain everything to her friends. A tear had dropped on her hand before she even realised she was crying, she had already decided that Hilary would be the closest thing to a godmother as her baby would get. Asides from Lee Hilary had been the closest thing Mariah had to family.

"Mariah?"

Looking up Mariah was surprised to see Ray standing by the door "you're home sooner than I thought you would be" she brushed away her tears and gave him a half-hearted smile.

"Tia called and said she'd found Kai and was driving him home, it's kind of annoying that she went out and found him so easily while we usually take a few hours"

"Should never send a man to do a woman's job"

Ray walked over to the sofa and sat next to her placing his arms around her shoulders and holding her close "Are you ok?"

"I just wish…" Mariah trailed off feeling stupid

"What do you wish?" Ray looked so concerned that Mariah decided to pour her heart out.

"I wish I felt like she's really gone. I know she's dead but something inside of me makes feel like she's still…" Mariah trailed off again shaking her head "I just don't totally believe that she's gone, I know that they released the post mortem results for us to see but... I was meditating the other day and Galux seemed to show me... It was like she was still alive, that's all"

"You just miss her, it's hard but we'll get through this" Ray told her comfortingly

"I just miss her" Mariah agreed nodding sadly "maybe that is it. I lost so much family recently and I thought Hilary would be there when the baby was born, she promised to help us find a home, she was going to help me decorate. She even wanted control over the baby shower. I can cope with my mum and dad not being there for all that, but Hilary… she was family in a way they never were."

"You still have Lee, and me" Ray told her "I know we're both guys but… but maybe we can help you through this"

"You do help, I just don't feel very secure without her, she was like a safety net. She was family"

"Marry me?" Ray asked

"What?" Mariah stared at him "Why…what, that's a big thing to just casually throw out there"

"It's not casual, Mariah I planned to ask you before I knew you were pregnant, I even have a ring….somewhere, when I found out about the baby I thought it would seem forced but I'm asking you now because I love you, and life is far to short to worry about how things appear. I love you, so will you marry me?"

"I love you too, and yes I will marry you but not till after the baby's born."

"What? Why afterwards?" Ray asked

"Because if we did it before my parents might forgive me"

"How's that a bad thing? I was kind of hoping we'd be a family, the Kon family!"

"The baby will still have your last name, don't worry about that, but I want my baby, our baby, to know that everyone around at it's birth loved it no matter what."

"I like that" Ray approved dropping a kiss on her pink hair "So we get married when you can fit into a nice dress?" he teased

"Well a girl wants to have her special day." Mariah smiled back kissing him on the lips.

It wasn't the most romantic moment of their lives but it afforded them both a little comfort in a time when it was sorely needed.

As Tia's car pulled up in front of the Dojo Tyson and Tala were standing waiting, they looked so like a pair of bouncers waiting at the door of a club that Tia had to laugh. She climbed out of the car and indicated the backseat where Kai had thrown himself in and concentrated on finishing his drink, he had passed out only a few minutes ago and she was glad she wouldn't be expected to carry him in.

"He's out cold" she told them with a shrug

"Where was he?"

"I'm not saying" Tia shook her head "I promised"

"Tia!" Tala hissed exasperated, then he pushed past her to open the car door. Lying on the back seat Kai hugged a sake bottle to his chest while snoring lightly.

"You both OK?" Tyson asked giving Tia a worried look, she no longer needed a stick to walk with but every now and then her leg would bother her and she would need to rest it.

"I'll be fine once I get back to the hotel" Tia told him with a smile before turning to make sure Tala didn't hit Kai's head as he got him out of the car, for once he had come home completely uninjured and she planned to keep it that way. Tyson walked forward to help pull Kai from the car and between the three of them they managed to drag Kai into his room.

They dumped him (Sake bottle and all) unceremoniously onto the bed, Kai didn't awaken from his stupor merely muttering 'a yellow kitchen' before rolling onto his side and snoring loudly.

As Tyson and Tala walked with Tia back to her car the girl stopped to ask

"What did he mean about a yellow kitchen?"

"I dunno" Tala replied quickly " back before all this happened while we were in his house in Russia he was talking about painting his kitchen yellow. God knows why!"

"I know why" Tyson muttered

"Oh yeah?" Tala asked sarcastically "and how would you know him better than me?"

"I never said that" Tyson spat back

"Guys there's no need to fight" Tia tried to placate them feeling awkward but Tyson shook his head

"It's not a case of knowing Kai, it was a case of knowing Hilary, when me and the guys were helping Hilary to redecorate the kitchen in her house, we painted it yellow because she said…. Because she said…." he sniffed "That kitchens should always be yellow….." he laughed darkly through his sadness shrugging slightly "Because that way they're bright and sunny in the morning no matter what the weather" he finally finished smiling "He was going to do that for Hilary"

"I get it" Tia said gently while Tala nodded

"I wish I had jumped in after her" Tyson said "I wanted to, I needed to, I was going to but Hiro wouldn't let me"

"No" Tala shook his head violently "Tyson you would both have drowned, there was nothing you could have done. You'd have died too"

"I'd prefer it that way"

"No Tyson" Tia moved forward instinctively placing an arm around him "don't ever say that, life is cruel and unfair but Hilary loved you and she would have wanted you to be happy, she would have want you to live life."

"Would have being the operative words" Tyson pulled away from the embrace "you guys don't get it it's my fault"

"It's not your fault Ty" Tia tried to say comfortingly but Tyson pulled away again and ran back into the dojo leaving a hurt and confused Tia standing watching.

"He gets like that whenever anyone says that"

"When someone says that its not his fault?" Tia asked confused

"No, the exact words have to be 'it's not your fault Ty' I don't know why but he hates to hear that sentence" Tala looked at the doorway Tyson had disappeared through "but he'll be OK, they both will."

"How's Kai doing really? I mean he's not working… his money situation must be…"

"He's pretty well off Tia" Tala reassured her "He's Hiwatari enterprises"

"Oh, so he's very well off" she laughed a little, strange she had never made that connection herself.

"Yeah, someone else is looking after the company for now, he knew he couldn't do it so he signed up for someone from within the company to look after things for him. It's the one thing he's being responsible about"

"Well I guess it's because other people depend on him for that"

Tala nodded in agreement "Well I'm gonna go in, sure you don't want to stay? I'm going to spend the night making sure Kai doesn't choke on his own vomit while he sleeps"

"You really know how to charm a girl but no… Hilary's mother asked Mariah to speak at the funeral but she can't do it so I'm up. I also have to meet with Hils' family early tomorrow I've then got to help her mother decide what outfit Hilary will wear in the coffin, it should have been done ages ago but her family couldn't bear to do it. Want to trade? I'll watch Kai you can do my stuff…."

"My job suddenly sounds very pleasant" Tala joked they both laughed a little but it didn't last long, feeling bad for her Tala moved forward placing a hand on Tia's shoulder "We'll all get through this you know, we just need to take it one step at a time!"

"One step at a time" Tia nodded "I just wish we could all step backwards instead of forwards" They stood for a bit longer in silence before Tia finally shook her head "I better get to bed."

"I guess I'll see you the day after tomorrow, at the you know….funeral"

"Yeah, by the way….after the you know…. funeral….you might want to watch Kai a bit more….um" Tia felt bad, she wanted to warn Tala that Kai might do something stupid but she didn't want to totally betray the heartbroken Kai.

Guessing that Kai had spoken of his vengeance plan as he so often did when he was drunk Tala grinned nodding "Don't worry I know what he plans to do, I'll keep an eye on him."

Tyson sat in his room feeling angry, everyone kept saying that it wasn't his fault but it was! He hadn't minded everyone being so kind at first because he expected something form Kai. He expected Kai to at least hit him…. But he hadn't.

Even when Tyson had told him everything Kai hadn't hurt him in the least.

Of course maybe now that Kai was drunk….when Kai was sober he was his usual cold calculating self but when he was drunk…

Tala hadn't come in yet, he was still outside talking to Tia so Tyson found it easy to sneak into Kai's room.

"Kai?" he hissed but there was no response from the prone figure "Kai!" he said it a little louder

"Get lost Tyson" Kai muttered without moving "I know what you want but I'm not going to hit ya."

"Why not?" Tyson asked seriously "It's my fault, why won't someone let me take the blame?"

Groaning Kai sat up and stared at his long time rival "Tyson we all know that if you could go back and save her you would. I am also guessing that the reason you get so pissed off when someone says 'it's not your fault Ty' is because that's exactly what she said to you."

There was silence and after a few moments Tyson nodded "Those were her exact words, she was hanging by her fingertips, she was about to fall to her... and she told me it wasn't my fault….. how did you guess?"

"Because she always put other people first, even when she was dying Hilary would have thought of you and your feelings. Do you remember the robbery?"

"The one just before we left for the tournament?"

"Yeah that one."

"Yeah, I remember what about it?"

"I was fighting someone they were on top of me with a knife and Hilary hit him with a lamp and her first words were 'is he dead?' she was terrified that she had hurt him. Never mind the guy had a fucking knife at my throat. She was worried she had hurt him "

"Typical Hilary"

"Yeah, now **** off and let me sleep, and don't ever try to make me hit you again, one day I may lose it and hurt you and I could really hurt you."

"I'll keep that in mind"

"It's too late for this, what's going on?" Brady had once again been escorted to his Fathers presence, he had arrived to discover his father trying on a black suit.

"Brady. Finally" signalling for the security guard to leave them Horatio indicated a chair for Brady "Please sit down"

"I'm good standing"

"Very well, I have news for you"

"What?" Brady asked not really caring what his father had to say, he looked away from the man wishing he could be somewhere, anywhere else.

Horatio stared at his son for a little while knowing almost exactly what he was thinking "Brady would you listen? Tomorrow we put the plan into action"

Brady's head snapped up "Tomorrow? Jeeze you haven't even buried her properly"

"She isn't going to be buried, they intend to cremate her, the funeral is Thursday" Horatio said with an air of finality " and she will be cremated tomorrow" he then turned back to the mirror

Confused the scientist stared at his father "Tomorrow? It's Tuesday night..., you just said that the funeral isn't until Thursday"

"She will be cremated tomorrow" he repeated

"You can't even let them do this their own way can you? This funeral must be on your terms not theirs!"

Regarding himself in the mirror Horatio ignored his son "I think this must have shrunk a little, it's very tight around the shoulders"

"You just don't care do you?" Brady looked at the man ahead of him "I thought you had sunk to the lowest of the low in my estimation but now I see there are new depths to which you can lower yourself"

"I do not need a lecture from you"

"Well tough you're gonna get it, you killed an innocent girl, your own flesh and blood and you don't give a damn. You are putting your entire family through hell not to mention what this must be doing to everyone else that cared about her and for what? This was all to create the perfect blader, do you realise how pathetic that is? And now you won't even let them organise the funeral their own way, they need to grieve it's easy for you, you aren't grieving but they are. How can you be so cold?"

Now would be the perfect moment for Brady to turn and storm out of the room unfortunately if he tried to leave the room before his father called the security guards to take him away he would be escorted straight back in.

"She must be cremated" Horatio responded, "if not…."

"If not they could find out what you've done, forgive me but I'm not on your side with this one." Brady looked his father up and down before saying spitefully "And the suit hasn't shrunk, you've gained weight!"

Kai woke up groaning, he rolled for a second restlessly in his bed before sitting up and rubbing his eyes. The curtains were closed but there was a narrow opening between the curtains were a shaft of light seemed to blind him, after a few moments of doing nothing Kai pulled himself off the bed and stood on his feet trying to get his bearings. He was back in his room at Tyson's, he had no idea how he had gotten here but he vaguely remembered Tia arriving at the bar and getting into the back of her car.

"Kai?" there was a knock at the door

As evenly as possible he yelled out "Just a second Tala" immediately Kai regretted the yelling as the sound and effort it took to yell made the pain around his temples tighten up and intensify.

Swallowing down a couple of pills Kai schooled his face into an expression of cold indifference, he opened the door and stared at the redhead on the other side "What?"

"Good morning to you too!" Tala held out a plate, on it sat a plain slice of wholemeal toast, in his other hand was a cup of tea

"Nothing thanks, I'm not hungry"

"You will eat and drink this or I will force it down your throat."

Kai raised an eyebrow

"Spencer, Bryan and Hiro have offered to help. If things get really bad Tia suggests I call Mariah, apparently she's hormonal and in need of kicking…."

"Kicking someone *** from here to next week?" Kai finished remembering what he had been told last night

"So I've heard" the redhead gave a small smile and held the plate and cup out a bit more "Kai you need to eat"

Looking down at the small and very plain breakfast he shrugged "might as well" he picked up the slice of toast from the plate and took the cup, then turning back into his room he kicked the door shut and sat down to eat.

Once he had finished eating Kai couldn't help but admit that he felt a little better, he got washed and dressed deciding that he needed to get out. He had arranged to meet Renaldo today and he couldn't afford to be late, After all he was depending on Renaldo to help him track down his grandfather and to keep tabs on Hilary's. Horatio Tatibana was bound to be at the funeral but Kai had promised himself for Hilary's sake that he wouldn't ruin her funeral. It was all he could do for her now.

Her funeral, a part of him still felt numb whenever he thought that.

He picked up his cell phone and dialled a number, he waited a few moments following the instructions on the other end and then waited

"Hi Kai" her voice sounded so close, so happy "I'm just calling to tell you that Tyson's changed the venue for today's training. I know I know he's annoying, and actually the only reason he's changed it is so he can get free food. Anyway we're gonna be at the BBA so if you could meet us there that'd be great! Bye….. Love you!"

As soon as the message was finished he saved it again,

"Love you too" he whispered gently, then shoving his phone back into his pocket he left to meet Renaldo.

author's note:-

Welcome to the sequel to 'things are changing' if you haven't read it yet you will need to in order to understand this one! This is the sad and a little depressing first chapter, it will get a little more cheerful eventually but this will be a bit of a darker story.

so if you are new go check out season one

things are changing!!

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