I go out into the street, I'm stunned, I feel like everything around me is spinning and it's not exactly from the dizziness. Suddenly my world has crumbled and I feel like I can't take it anymore. The rain disguises the tears that fall incessantly from my cheeks. I can't believe all this is happening to me. Am I the problem? Am I really worthless? How did I get pregnant? We always took care of ourselves. What am I going to do now? I know I'm not the first woman in the world to be left alone waiting for a child, but I'm tired of suffering, of becoming strong through blows and more blows. Memories flood my mind, a past that I thought I had been able to leave behind returns to me to mortify me even more.
"Luna, honey, run and hide under the bed, mommy is going to protect you, darling, as always. Together until the end" My mother's words echo again and again in my head, she protected me, like every day of my life when my father came home drunk and wanted to use me as a punching bag. That was the last thing she said, then I heard her heart-wrenching screams, every blow my mother received left a mark on my soul. Yes, maybe he couldn't physically unleash his fury on me, but he did it in other ways. He left deep scars on my soul, scars that I can't erase. And that day, together until the end was cut short forever.
A few hours later, when I saw that everything was calm, I came out of my secret hiding place, it was a place that mom had prepared so that he would never find me. What I saw broke me completely, I was only 6 years old, and in front of me was horror. My mother was all beaten, with her face disfigured and in a large pool of blood.
"Mom, mommy, wake up please. Get up, daddy is gone. Mommy, don't leave me alone, I need you, please mommy, wake up, I can't do it alone, I'm scared, don't leave me, together until the end, you always tell me" I cried incessantly lying on my mother's chest, her blood had soiled my face, my hands, my whole body. I didn't understand why so much, of course I was just a child, how could I know. She was pregnant, there were so many blows that the hemorrhage that it caused not only caused the death of my little brother, but also that of my mother. I stayed there, lying on her chest, where life had already ended and that's how I fell asleep bathed in her blood. The next morning I heard a terrible scream. It was Consuelo our neighbor, she called the police, and from there social services referred me to an orphanage. I had no more family and my father was a murderer. I learned years later that they arrested him and finally some justice was done. He was never going to get out of prison for the femicide of my mommy.
Sorry mom I think I'm failing you. I trusted a man who didn't use his fists but killed me in the same way. With everything I've been through it has been difficult for me to socialize, I never had friends, the home where I grew up was awful. 12 years locked up there, I only heard how the guards and the regent insulted us. More than a children's home it seemed like a reformatory. What I could never guess is what our crime had been.
"Dirty children, if you are here it is because nobody wants you, never forget it, you are nobody, you are worthless, there is not a single person who wants to help you. Clean, everything shining in 5 minutes, then everyone goes to their place and starts reading."
The only good thing was that, that I was able to study, I really like to study and improve. I have tried to change my life, build a future for myself, but, every time I think I am succeeding something knocks me down and I find myself again at the bottom, all the way down, but this time I don't know if I can get up. Maybe and this time I have to give up, and end everything once and for all. It's the best option, I will meet my mom sooner than I thought.
The rain has soaked me completely, and the cold pierces my bones, I don't really know where I'm going. Ahead I see, as in a mirage, Cristian his smile, I remember our first date, how sweet he was. We only had an ice cream, I was very nervous and scared. I don't usually trust people, I have always been alone, that's why it was so hard for me to accept him into my life, I should never have let him in.
So many beautiful moments come to my mind, all those in which I thought he loved me, that someone was capable of loving me. But I was wrong, I am cursed, the only being in the world who loved me until giving her life was my mother.
"Luna, I love you my life, I know that maybe you are not ready but I am dying to make love to you" Cristian's words made me think, the truth I didn't know if I was ready or not, I didn't know what it meant to be ready. I just looked him in the eyes and kissed him, with all my love. It was a deep and passionate kiss.
Little by little we took off our clothes, he kissed every part of my body with adoration as if it were a very valuable and delicate jewel, I felt his tongue caressing me, preparing me, he told me again and again how much he loved me, and I exploded in a beautiful orgasm product of his caresses and care. He returned to my mouth and devoured my lips, little by little he broke the barrier and red lilies bathed both of us, we merged into one with slow and rhythmic movements, we were a boat moved gently by the waves, until suddenly we both reached the top. It was magical, although painful, I felt cared for, loved, adored.
That beautiful image in my memory has nothing to do with the man talking about me as a lover, although that's what I am without knowing it. The contempt that I distinguished in his voice, the mockery even in his gaze when I entered to clean the office. It is as if he were two different people, how well he pretends. And how well I believed.
I can make out the hotel with difficulty, but the truth is that I don't want to arrive, I don't know what I have to do. I touch my belly, it's only 4 weeks there, it's not formed yet, but despite everything I don't think I have the courage to hurt it. My mom gave her life protecting me because she loved me, she would be disappointed if I didn't act the same way with my baby. My baby, how good it feels to think about it, a smile forms on my lips without wanting to. I will protect you little one, with my life. I am going to honor my mom's memory in the way she would have wanted. I am going to be strong, get ahead and be happy, I am going to love you.
One more thought floods my mind, it's like a revelation, as if someone somewhere was telling me a truth that until now I didn't take into account. No one can give what they don't have, to love and be loved, the first person I have to love unconditionally is myself, I am not to blame that my father is a violent alcoholic, nor that everyone in the home is a bastard, nor am I to blame that Cristian is a wolf in sheep's clothing, I am only responsible for my own decisions and today I Luna Calas decide to love myself, fight for myself and my baby and not let anyone else trample me.
From my ashes I am reborn like the phoenix, to be a better version of myself. Thank you mom, because I know that where you are you keep taking care of me. I love you, kisses to heaven!
Tomorrow I have a wedding to attend, I'm not going to let this little man think he can keep playing with me. As soon as I enter the hotel I have to make a call.
I run as fast as I can, always taking care not to fall or hit myself, now my baby comes first. At the reception they greet me in a friendly way, I explain to them that I am fine, I pay one more night since today I will not be able to leave. I enter, quickly take off my clothes, open the shower in the hot water and take a bath, I need to warm my body, the good thing is that my health has always been good, my tests are fine, I don't need to worry about anything for now, just take care of what is important. Now the urgent thing is to call Cesar, he always knows everything, and he is the one who can tell me where the wedding is. I am sure that is what he meant by the warning he wanted to give me.
"Cesar How are you? I need a favor, I want you to tell me where the wedding is, the church".
"Luna What are you thinking of doing? Please girl, don't do anything crazy?" Poor thing is afraid of what I might do "How did you find out?"
"Hahaha until you finally fall, I heard him talking to his disgusting father, and don't worry I don't plan to do or say anything, and it will be the last time I will be in his presence. I already resigned, I don't plan to be the toy of any rich idiot."
"That's how I like it, that's the girl I met two years ago, of course I give you the address, better than that I'll accompany you"
My friend's proposal surprised me, but I can't accept, if he goes with me he could be fired and at his age I don't think it will be easy for him to get another job. He must be about 55 years old, he is very tall and strong, he was a policeman but he resigned but he never told me why. He is handsome, even at his age, but he is single and has no children. I told him not to accompany me, but that we could meet and have a coffee as soon as he finished. And with that promise we hung up the phone. Then I lay down and fell asleep for a while, I set the alarm to wake me up to eat something and then keep sleeping.
This pregnancy is just starting but my little bean makes me sleep a lot. I sent a message to Ana warning that tomorrow I will take everything, I have a quiet dinner at the hotel, and I go to bed to continue sleeping thinking that tomorrow will be an unforgettable day for many.
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