The Lust

June 19, 2022 . 9:47am

My eyes were closed but I was awake, the sun was too bright to fall back asleep, so I just laid there. I shifted and felt the warmth of a soft blanket. I smelled it and it smelled like the cologne Bryan wore....wait what?

My eyes slowly opened and they focused on the man laying next to me, Bryan. I looked down and saw that I was in one of my shirts, and my bottoms were still on.

Oh my god, thank you so much!

I looked around and realized that we were laying in my bed together, with his soft blanket. I was grateful, but felt a bit creeped out. I felt something else in my stomach.

I’m hungry.

I threw the blanket off of me and sat up, and then I pulled on a pair of socks and walked into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and my eyes met what they do every morning, nothing. The only thing I had left to eat in the house was a few crackers that I’d been saving for the birds.

I walked over to Blaire’s door and knocked. She didn’t answer, so I just walked in.

She was sleeping, with her earbuds in. I smiled a little, my little girl was so beautiful, she didn’t deserve this life. She deserves a life with a real house and bed. She deserves a better mom. I looked down and sighed.

I’m such a terrible parent…

I looked at her phone, it wasn't too bad, but it was definitely one of the old phones.

At least she has one though.

I picked it up and took out the earbuds, I focused on her screen and turned it on. The lock screen was a picture of her, a typical teenager. I tried unlocking it, but it was locked. I tried typing in her name or my name, but it didn't work. I tried again but then I ended up disabling her phone, then I saw movement behind the phone, it was Blaire, she woke up and saw me trying to get into her phone.

Great…

“Mom! What the hell?? You're such a fucking snooper! Give me my phone back!!” she yelled.

“What? No, I was checking the weather!” I lied straight through my teeth, and she saw that.

She scolded me after she ripped her phone out of my hands.

“Out!” she yelled pointing to her door.

“Fine. But Blaire you can't go anywhere today, I wanna go to the beach.”

“What? You’re expecting me to stay home while you and your boyfriend go on a date??”

“We aren't dating, and I want you to come with too! Spend some time toge-”

“What makes you think I wanna spend time with you?”

“Oh come on Blaire, why can't we just do this one thing together? I'm sick of our relationship being this way…”

She leaned in, “That’s your fault.”

She was right...it is my fault. If I would have just been a better mom and cared about her more then we wouldn't be in this situation. Damn..it really is my fault…

“What if you brought a friend?”

She smiled at me, I thought I was getting somewhere, but I wasn't.

“How about I just go hangout with my friends without you??” she says standing up and heading to the bathroom.

“Why won't you do anything with me?? I keep trying to fix us but you won't let me! Why??” I asked.

She stops and turns her head slightly, “Because I hate you Jacqueline. Get it into your head.”

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It was 11 am and me and Bryan were ready to hit the beach, I really needed the sun light after the wild night of being drunk out of my mind. I was still in a shitty mood after what Blaire said, but I had to keep my mind off of it, otherwise I would want to try something, dangerous...and I can't do that to myself, I was once in that terrible place and it was the worst time of my life.

“Ready Jackie?” Bryan called.

“Yeah!” I yelled.

I practically jumped in his car, I was that excited. He smiled at me as he drove away from my home. I smiled back, having the same feeling in my stomach I had earlier in the morning, weird, I literally just ate….

“Bryan..thank you so much for taking me here, it's really sweet..I'm sorry Blaire didn't come.”

“Why didn't she come?”

“She uh, didn’t feel good,” I smiled.

She actually just hates me and you, but that's totally not important!

“Oh..well it would have been nice for her to come.”

“Yeah..” I looked out the window, admiring the trees once again.

Soon I was admiring the sand on the beach though. A community beach obviously, I couldn't afford anything else, this is the cheapest, you don’t have to pay at all.

He got out and met me by the store stairs leading into the sand. He was holding the towels and sunscreen, he wanted to be a ‘gentlemen’ but I kept laughing at him.

“Here is perfect.”

He nodded and placed the towels down, “So, will you actually go into the deep end?”

“You're hilarious,” I laughed while grabbing out the sunscreen. “Oh come on sunshine,” he frowned.

I started putting on sunscreen and glanced at the ocean. It seemed peaceful, welcoming. I wanted to go in, but its too much. The closest I get to water, is the shore. Bryan was constantly asking me about my life and why I do certain things, but I can't answer him, not right now at least.

“Can you get my back?”

He nodded and dropped some sunscreen on his hands, then the cold thick liquid grazed my back along with his warm hands. I smiled in response.

“So, will you finally tell me why you won't touch the water??” he asked.

I scooted forward a little, I had to think of something to distract him so we wouldn't get into another fight. So I pretended I had a back ache.

“Ouch...can you rub my lower back?”

“Uh sure, then can we go in the water?”

I stayed silent as he rubbed my back. I was not going in the water, I'm sure of that.

“Any plans for Christmas??”

He stopped rubbing my back, he gently touched my arm for the attention, “Jackie, Christmas isn't for five more months..what's going on here? You know you can tell me anything right?”

I really can't though….

I turned my body fully so I was facing him, I looked at him with trusting eyes, and pulled him in for a hug. At first, he just sat there, but then he hugged me back, tightly.

“I know you can protect me, you're like my big brother, you can do anything. Thank you so much for being my friend, but some things im just too scared to say, or im just not ready…”

Or I just can't tell you because then you'll leave me just like everyone else, abuse my feelings and me, then leave me in the dust.

His grip loosened a little, then I pulled back. I mouthed ‘go’ to him, but he didnt move.

“Look Jackie, obviously theres something big you’re hiding, but it wont change how I see you. I'll always be here for you. So don't be afraid to tell me what's really going on,” he claimed.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, then let it out opening my eyes, “The truth is..complicated. I can't tell you everything. But I can tell you the reason why I refuse to go in the water…”

He leaned closer, eager to hear my story, I sat on the towel and took off my sunglasses.

“Someone tried drowning me when I was fourteen…”

I expected him to overwhelm me with questions, and ask if I was okay, but none of that happened. I was kind of sad that it seemed like he didn't care, and a little disappointed that all of what he just said, wasn't true.

I looked down attempting to avoid eye contact. I looked back at the ocean but then looked away quickly, the memories were going to flood back, I just know it, but I'm not ready for it…

Bryan’s warm fingertips came in contact with my cheeks. Pulling me to look at him. I turned my head, but kept my eyes closed.

“Look at me Jackie.”

I squinted my eyes, hating the moment that would come. I knew he was going to start lecturing me and try to reason with me about how bad this was.

But when I opened my eyes, his were closed. I looked closer and saw his cheeks turning red a little, then I saw a drip of water fall down his cheek. I couldn't believe it, he was crying…

Because of me?

My mouth opened a little, surprised, no one's ever cried over me..this was new.

When he opened his dark eyes, they were staring into mine. I smiled and he became my reflection, smiling back.

The feeling in my stomach came back once again, and I finally realized what it was...not because I was hungry, but because of Bryan.

This can't be real, no, he's playing me, he's gotta be..

He started inching closer and my heart began to race. I had a feeling about what was going to happen next. My heart started to beat faster, and my cheeks flushed. I could feel myself blushing like a mad woman.. I was so flustered, it was so much to take in, but this was going to happen, now. He was going to kiss me.

Except that never happened…

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