chapter 4

They enjoyed the food, chatted amiably about the progress their task group was making and amused themselves with character assessments of the more eccentric members of the team. They talked about the crew...Miral, Tom, B'Elanna, Harry. Two glasses of wine later, mushroom pastries, salad, strawberries and chocolate cake all devoured with much appreciation, Kathryn lay back on the blanket to allow the pale sun to warm her.

Chakotay smiled and took a deep breath. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. He reached for her hand and stroked the palm idly.

"I want to talk about us." Kathryn's lips pinched, but she had expected this. "You must know by now how much I love you...how much I've always loved you. You're the most precious, wonderful person in my life and I want our future to be together. I know I haven't acted like it for a while...I should have done this five months ago. I so regret that I didn't. Dating Seven was a huge mistake and I know that I've hurt you because of it. I've hated this distance between us, although I accept that it has been mostly my fault and I sincerely hope you will forgive me. But we're home...there's no command structure to stop us. And I'm hoping that now I've finished things with Seven, we can at least be honest with each other about our feelings. I love you, Kathryn. I want to live with you for the rest of our lives...whether that means marriage, family (and you and I both know that isn't beyond the realms of possibility) or something else, we can work that out together...but I want to **** **** with you. I want to build a home with you, sleep with you every night, wake up next to you, share breakfasts, go on vacation...I want it all. And I hope that you want the same thing. I know you loved me once. We never spoke the words, but we looked at each other in ways that said far more. Our hearts spoke to each other with longing through our eyes. I don't think it was just my imagination. You are my dearest friend and we are only half alive when we're apart. You are infinitely beautiful to me and I don't want to live another day without you. We've wasted so much time already."

He stopped, a lump in his throat, and watched her expectantly. There was a sheen in her eyes. He hoped that was a good sign. Her fingers closed around his hand.

"Okay, let's get one thing out in the open, because you asked for honesty. I love you too...far more than you might imagine." He gave a relieved laugh. "That said, I don't know if we can work it out after all this time. If you'd said this five months ago, I wouldn't have hesitated. But now...I'm not one for casual relationships. I couldn't do this, if I thought it wouldn't last. Our relationship is far too important to take a risk. I couldn't bear it, if all you were doing was scratching an itch and then moving on..."

"Kathryn, I wouldn't do that to you. You are far too important to me. I don't think I could do this either, if I didn't think it has a huge chance of success. It would not be scratching an itch, far from it. It would be healing the wound of our separation. We already know that we love living together, love being involved in the minutiae of each other's lives. I value your company above any other, and we also know that we can weather the storms...sort out arguments. We've been mad at each other and still our love has endured. This is no trivial relationship, Kathryn. I know my track record isn't great and I hope you will look past that, but the true reason I haven't stuck with anyone in the last seven years is that I cannot expunge the love I feel for you from my heart. The truth is I'm not after a casual relationship any more than you. I want a lifelong commitment. I want to grow old with you. Look, we both know there are no guarantees when you start a relationship, but this is as close to a dead cert as you can get. I also know that if we don't try this, I will regret it for the rest of my life and I think you will too."

"So why have you been with Seven, then?"

He sighed. "Believe me, I wish I hadn't. I just lost hope...I thought you were never going to come round. It started on the ship. If it hadn't, I would have come to you straight away when we got back."

"I knew."

"You knew?" He was shocked at this revelation.

"Yes. The Admiral told me. Apparently, you married in her timeline."

He gasped. "We married? I find that hard to believe."

"So, you can understand why I've tried to stay out of your way. I would never have wanted to come between you and your true love."

He snorted. "True love! Spirits, she is very far from that. I only wish I had ended things sooner. She might have taken it better."

"She certainly is having difficulty accepting things are over between the two of you."

"You've seen her?"

"Yes, and she seems to be an emotional wreck. You wouldn't believe some of the disgusting names she called you."

"I deserve it...I'm sorry that I've caused her misery, but I couldn't go on living a lie. She isn't my true love. You are. You're in my very bones, Kathryn. I can never eradicate the feelings I have for you." He held her gaze until he was sure she was accepting the validity of his words. "So what about Will?"

"What about him? He's nothing to me. Just a harmless diversion."

"I thought you didn't believe in casual sex. You have slept with him?"

"A few times, yes. He's a player...Chakotay, I'm not stupid. He's not the sort that hangs around...and we both know it. We are both flattered by the attraction, but that's it. If I have indulged in uncharacteristic behaviour, call it a reaction to you being with Seven and frustration from a seven year abstinence. My heart was hurting, and I didn't want to risk it on anyone looking for something far more while I was pining for you."

"You were pining for me. That's good to hear." He freed his hand from hers and began fiddling with her hair instead. It had grown longer again in recent months, and he loved that it had. "I can't wait to **** **** to you."

"Chakotay, I haven't agreed to anything yet."

"No," he grinned inwardly. "But I am going to talk you round. Listen, I know sex is the elephant in the space dock. We both know it's a massive obstacle we have to tear down. None of this would be anything like as awkward, if we'd done the deed years ago...as we should have done if we'd behaved like two normal human beings."

"I'm sorry that I couldn't take that step on Voyager. I'm sorry that I didn't feel that I could let you in and still do my duty..."

"Hey, don't apologise. You did what you had to do. It's history now, and I want to think about the future." He lay down beside her, bringing his face close to hers. "I love you, Kathryn Janeway...and nothing will ever change that."

"What if we're a disaster together sexually?"

He laughed. "Not a snowball's chance in hell of that."

"You've been sleeping with a woman seventeen years younger than me."

"Spirits, I'd have thought you of all people would carry yourself with confidence in the bedroom. Besides, you are the one that's at her sexual prime, not Seven. Isn't that what they say about women in their forties?"

"That's about our libido, not our sexual allure to men."

"Sexual allure? You've no idea, have you? You've no idea how beautiful, how sexy, how intriguing you are? I love you completely, right down to the very hairs on the back of your neck, so don't you dare think for a moment that I'll be anything other than completely thrilled to get you *****. Besides, Seven wasn't exactly the most enthusiastic lover, so you have nothing to worry about. You won't have to try very hard to win out there. Even if we fumble about at first, I'm sure we'll work it out."

"Oh, that I'm not concerned about. Anything Seven can do, I can do a hundred times better."

"I'm sure you can."

"I just need to know that you'll still find me attractive in ten, twenty years time and not have your head turned by some young blonde..."

"Won't happen. It's as simple as that. I told you, I want to grow old with you."

"Won't happen? I need to know you believe you can be faithful to me."

"I haven't the slightest doubt that I can. I need that from you too...Besides, I happen to know you're still very sexy and attractive in your seventies. How many men can look into the future and be that excited by it?"

"You had a thing for the Admiral?"

"Guilty as charged, but only because she was you. Look, I absolutely promise I can be faithful to you and I know you are a serial monogamist at heart. But that doesn't mean our sex life should be boring. Can we make a promise to each other about this? Because we've spent so long avoiding talking about sex that it's become second nature. I want us to talk freely about the physical side of things, what we like, what we don't...what feels good. Be open to a bit of experimentation, yet free to put a stop to something without embarrassment or awkwardness. Can we promise that to each other?"

Her eyes misted again. "Okay. I think I can do that."

"And for the same reason, I want us to tell each other every day that we love each other."

"I agree. No more avoiding talking about what matters."

"Good," he smiled. "I think we could have the most amazing intimate life, despite that we've taken so long to give it a go. And trust me, I know how to give a girl a good time. Unless, you're frigid,".... he twisted his head and blew on the sensitive spot behind her ear, making her squirm..."which I know you're not, we are going to have zero problems in that department. I didn't succeed too well with Seven, but I don't believe that was the fault of either one of us, just another thing the Borg stole from her." His hand slipped to the back of her head and he kissed her on the forehead. "So, I think we need to sweep all this awkwardness away...we need to destroy this barrier once and for all. We need to **** ****...tonight if possible... then we will be able to make plans for our future much more freely."

"Once we take this step, there'll be no undoing it."

"No there won't...and I'm counting on that being a good thing."

"It's a little scary...after all this time."

"Yes, it is. There is always a risk...but we take the leap together, right?"

She nodded. "I want things to stay discrete. It would be grossly upsetting to Seven, so I'd rather she didn't find out just yet. So we can't let the media get their teeth into it for a while."

He nodded. "I agree. I'm staying in your old quarters on Voyager. I can't think of a better place to consummate our relationship. You could join me tonight. Tell them you want to stay on board...former Captain's prerogative. Nobody will question it...you have clearance. No press, skeleton crew on board...perfect privacy...and the place where we began. I almost feel we owe it to our beloved ship to bring our own personal journey to completion there too."

She smiled her agreement. "We have the drinks reception this evening."

"We won't have to stay late."

"Seven will be there."

"Hmm...I'd forgotten that. We'll just have to avoid each other all evening. Keep her off the scent."

"I think we can do that."

"And if there are any unforeseen problems, we can message each other."

"Okay."

"That's settled then. Kathryn, I promise to give you the most wonderful night of your life."

"I'll hold you to that."

"Can I kiss you now?"

"Are you sure the scanners can't pick us up?"

"I stake my reputation as an ex-Maquis on it. We can't be seen here."

"Your reputation, eh? I'm more worried about mine."

He smiled, then cradling both hands behind her head, he brought their lips together. Finally, they learned the true delicious feel of their lover's lips. Seven years in the making, it sucked the breath out of them, sending tingles flying through both of them, curling their toes, pounding their hearts. It was electric.

When then finally pulled apart, he commented, "See, I told you we couldn't possibly be a disaster together."

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