chapter 1

"I think I'm dating the wrong woman," Chakotay confessed.

B'Elanna snorted as she shifted the sleeping five month old Miral higher on her shoulder and stretched her legs a little. "You only think you're dating the wrong woman?" she countered incredulously.

Chakotay lifted his eyes miserably. "Alright, I am dating the wrong woman. I know you warned me. I know I didn't listen, but I was enjoying myself...until I began to realise how much a hole someone else's absence from my life has left."

"We are talking about the Admiral, right?"

"Yes. Kathryn's been avoiding me. There was a time when we were such good friends and our relationship held such promise. We never said the words, but there was so much meaning in what was unsaid. We showed how we felt with looks and gestures. I swear it wasn't just my imagination. She's been the better part of me since the day we met. It never appeared to worry her when I had some minor dalliance though, but it plagued the hell out of me when she was interested in someone else. We were always so close and I hate the distance that's come between us ever since I started dating Seven. I miss her like crazy. Did I read her wrong all these years? Did she never care the way I thought she did? Or was her initial indifference to my dating Seven simply self-preservation? Has she said anything to you, B'E?"

"She's hurting alright, although she is loathe to admit it, and I would say she is very far from not caring about you. She probably is avoiding the two of you, but I don't for a second think she'd do anything that would deliberately hurt you or Seven. I doubt she'd come clean even if you challenged her."

"I have challenged her. It didn't go well."

"What happened?"

Chakotay leaned back and thought about the awkward moments they had shared at the annual Charity Ball. For a while, he had tried to be content with Seven. He had told himself that he was over Kathryn and that he was doing exactly the right thing to try to move on. There had been something refreshingly different about dating the young woman, although the novelty had started to wear off very quickly. He had at one time foolishly begun to think he could have it all, Seven as a lover and Kathryn as a friend, but the reality hadn't panned out like that and he had ended up nursing a fair degree of disappointment about it. Then Seven had become increasingly prone to mood swings. She had begun acting like a hormone-infused teenager and he hadn't much cared for that side of her. He was finding her increasingly difficult to deal with.

On the night in question, he and Seven had arrived at the Charity Ball to find the majority of Voyager's senior staff already present. Then reality had hit like a gut punch and he had known in that moment that he couldn't fool himself any longer. Kathryn had arrived on the arm of some puffed-up, suave, but annoyingly handsome ambassador, and she had simply blown his breath away. He was filled with admiration for one and jealousy for the other. Kathryn was looking resplendent in a long red evening gown and he'd had to stifle the gasp that threatened on first seeing her. He was reminded yet again of the aura that seemed to set her apart from every other person in the room. She energised people, captivated them. There was something very magnetic about Kathryn Janeway's personality and it was a little disturbing to be one of the multitude so drawn to her, like bees around a honey pot. Yet he knew that his attraction to her ran far, far deeper. He had a genuine connection with her. There was a time when he would have said that they knew each other inside and out, had been able to read each others' minds.

And in that moment, he also knew that he must try to speak to Kathryn about it or he would regret it for the rest of his life. However, it didn't prove that easy to catch her alone. She had greeted them politely, and perhaps only he could tell that her smile was somewhat forced. She'd introduced him to her partner, Ambassador Will Franklin, perhaps the fifth or sixth man in a list of partners the media had reported her as dating. Then she'd moved on. It was several hours before he'd spotted her slip outside into a walled courtyard to catch a breath of fresh air, and he excused himself to seize the opportunity.

In the darkness of a covered open gallery which flanked the courtyard like a cloister, he caught sight of her sighing. She always found such events tedious...they both did...and often took the opportunity for a moment's time-out.

"Kathryn?"

She half-turned towards him and let out a resigned laugh, as if she had known escape was too good to be true.

"Chakotay."

"How are you?"

"Good, all things considered... a little exhausted from the heat..."

"Taking a breather?"

"Yes."

"It is rather hot in there."

They smiled awkwardly at each other, both understanding the need for a few moments' respite.

"I've missed you!" he confessed.

Her eyes widened. "And I've missed you."

"I've missed you rather a lot, actually, and I want to talk to you about it."

"I'm sure you've been rather too busy with Seven to miss me."

He took a deep breath. He might as well go straight for it. They'd danced around the subject for years, never voicing the words, and he knew that had to change.

"Yes...she has needed a lot of support. But it's you I love. It's you I want to spend the rest of my life with."

The shock registered on her face, even in the dim light.

"You can't be serious."

"I am...deadly serious."

She let out a long breath and turned aside, no longer holding his gaze.

"I can't...I won't...I'd never try to come between you and Seven."

"You already are."

"Then you'd better deal with it...I couldn't do that to either of you."

"And you can't expect me to live a lie either."

"It's your mess, Chakotay. You made your bed and you should lie in it. I sincerely hope you are not stringing Seven along."

"Okay. So I admit I have some sorting out to do. But I need to know what your feelings are for me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"The truth for once. I want some honesty here."

"Well I'm not going to dignify your question with an answer. How dare you ask me my feelings after all this time and while you're dating Seven!"

"Come on, Kathryn. Our friendship held such promise. You flirted outrageously with me for years. I can't believe you have never wondered how we'd be together. It's a tragedy we never found out."

She glared at him.

"And now we never will," she admonished. Brushing past him, she took herself off in a huff to the ballroom door.

"Kathryn...Kathryn...wait!" he called.

"Our time has gone and I have nothing more to say!" she responded, low and angry.

"There are no protocols now to stand in our way," he called after her.

"Only the one that says you already have a girlfriend and you chose her over me when we got home. Live with it, Chakotay!" Then she was gone, disappearing back into the throng of merrymakers.

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