Episode 4 | Surviving ain't living

I woke up feel freshen up a little bit. This woods somehow warm. I woke up before sundown. Under the trees, the footprint of a large animal scattered around me. It seems to be roaming around me before leaving. "how can I still alive,"

I stood up, nothing before I feel my body trembling. A lot happened for the last couple of days. There are no tiresome to survive. But surviving ain't living. I could just kill myself out of boredom. But there is 3 meter of

motivation sitting still with eyes locked at me. Its jaw smiling. How I could tell? Hell, everything will smirk on easy kill.

I stand still in fear, then I realize this way or another. I couldn't outrun those claws. An easier way than to do it yourself. It gonna be painful, but otherwise, the idea is depressing. So I welcome its claw and jaw with an open arm.

I walk close to it. The thing is, it reacts to the expression of disappointment, anger, and confusion. Jarring its teeth alert on my presence. It barks like nothing I have ever heard. So loud, so frightening like two dogs bark at once, yet sense a danger. The way I look now, she was beautiful.

Every time I walk closing myself, she is keeping its distance. Swing hard at me with her claw with no killing intend. Bark loudly, I could be sure I would be deaf. Tosing and pushing hard with its noses. Like just increase my suffering. I'm mad. I scream at her. she barks back. I scream at her again, she barks back again. Just a dysfunctional relationship barking at each other. Even death is not easy for me. Then I cried, a river flowing down my cheek.

But what look she gave me was anger. She growls, sharpens her gaze, and jarring her teeth.

I ran. With tears marking my path. She follows me. It seems to be an easy pace for her and her long legs. Somehow I disappeared from her. I'm invisible to her. Then she disappeared. maybe she let me escape, I don't know. Hiding in a cave once again. There I unleash my emotion like never before. Punching the wall and use the pain to ease my anger.

The sun is rising high on a new morning. A bit of blood is enough. I slash my hand and invite her to where I am. I don't know if this will ever work. I squeeze my hand and paint myself with it. Out of nowhere, she appeared.

Her fur like an invisible cloak hides her from plain sight.

I open my arm "here I am, kill me as you must." I shout, but she just stands there. watching. I shout again to get her attention. She still stands there. "finish it, you *****. Bloody hell," this is getting personal.

She makes a movement, the first step and she suddenly disappeared. I gaps. In high alert I heard a crack of twigs getting stepped on, but not from the direction where I saw her. I feel fear inside me kicking my fight and flight mode. The feeling I could be attacked from anywhere anytime. I could sense she smug about it. I laughed. In fear, I laughed just to piss her off. I could hear the growl giving up his position. I blast a haha laugh at her direction. from how my voice echo to my ear, she is near about 2 or 3 meters from me. I run.

"you thought this would be easy?"

She chases after me, I run with hope she triggers all the traps I set. Carefully take my steps and choosing path, Gentle touch on a string and she rained with dozens of spear. All I can see just a flying stick sticking on the invisible force. I take a sudden turn before a tree and I climb it fast, looked like I was disappeared. But she knows, so she revealing herself and stop under the tree, and look up to find me jumping down with bags of rock, bound her up with rope and hang it under the tree. I stuck a long spear to her middle eyes and run inside a cave to hide.

While still

hanged up, she disappeared. Rope that tight without something visible on its end suddenly loose. thanks to my spears I could know where she is. I'm in high alert when she entered the cave's mouth. She knows where I

hide, so before she discovers me, I shouted. She turns to my direction growl. I pull the rope in my hand, trigger my last trap. Tearing down the roof cave. Dropping sand and rocks on it, probably kill her along with me.

I open my eyes in the pitch of darkness. I close my eyes and found no difference. I don't know if I blink. Imagination just running wild on my open eyes. It was extremely quiet. I could hear my heartbeat. "Wonder why you don't

stop." My breath sounds so loud now. I kind of annoyed of it, sometimes I hold my breath just for silence. Still laying down, feel so tired, sigh no and then. I thought this may be the end for me. I have no logical reasoning to do something about it. The darkness feels comfortable like a blanket cover me so nice and satisfying. I find it very relaxing. The air is warm. Sometime I could feel the breeze of wind, supply me with fresh

air. "what's this nonsense."

But the boredom is killing me.

Every time I blink felt like forever. Every time I blink pictures flash before my eyes. Home, what I picture is what I desire most. All my eyes see is darkness but my mind filled with pictures of my sister, mother, my deceased father sitting comfortably on our old house. House where I grow up in. I saw them laughing on small jokes, share conversation one or two, sipping tea like nothing to be afraid of. Safe to see all of your loved ones exist in one gaze of eyes. They feel so peaceful.

They are sitting on a homemade bench that I made. Under the shade of our mango tree. That bench looks so uncomfortable. They seem so happy sitting on it, afraid to tell me the truth, afraid to disrespect my effort. I haha a little about it.

I cough and all those pictures faded, left only darkness to be realized. I'm afraid this is my last trip. Seven days ago I still sitting on my couch patting my cat. Now I laid down under rubble with an immobilized beast, probably it hasn't faced its death. Inside me, a sparks felt always pushing my edge to survive. I hate them. Poking me around, annoyed me. It will die with me, and nothing can stop me. These voices whisper on me

one at a time reasoning and give meaning to what is meaningless. One said "this is not how you wanna die," another said, "home is near as your thought placed it to be". Fucking annoying.

Until one voice and angry feeling with its present. It was silent but the laudest. She seems to be not satisfied with me. Angry that I stop. Upset that I gave up. What do you want from me? Living? There is so much I can do before she said. Give up and made up stuff so my path is acceptable. Say nonsense there is no way anyway, just because you are lazy. God that one line stabs me deeply. Then angry is what I feel. I scream empty my lungs. I hurt my own ear from the echo. There I know how low the cave's roof really is.

I get up and explore the cave. Walking along the wall and feel the way with my feet and hands. I found the beast was half-buried with head on the other side. I walking around until I met with the same ***, her thick fury ***. All around me is the cave wall and rubble that I made. There is no way out.

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