The First And Last

“I’m sorry”, that was the last word I heard from the person I used to say “I love you” - not a day went by that I forgot to utter this short yet overflowing feelings I had been treasuring inside. How long had it been since I devoted my life to you? Your willful characteristics - the selfish ways you acted towards me as if you were the king who would never once admit your fault; yet, instantly you did - in the most unexpected way I could have ever imagined. I should be delighted seeing you that you humbled yourself for once. Why now? Why use it in this way? I'd rather not hear this or you could have used it more often. I didn't mind about the cliche. However, you threw it so sharply that pierced me so deeply and it stayed ringing through my brain a thousand times in a day.

It was overwhelming to comprehend why you left me standing all alone in the shadow. You never gave me a proper explanation why you left me for her. It is all so blurry that I couln't help but squeezed out every logical reason for abandoning me. I kept convincing myself that I was indeed a boring woman not worthy to be loved by you. I only caused you inconvenience all these years. I was no one for you but a burden. Why not tell me directly? I would accept any explanation. Why end it with a phone call?! Wearing glasses couldn't even help me understand it. If this was the future, I could have read your mind, seen your history and known your future actions with such a high-tech invention. I hoped somebody could be able to invent it in no time. I just wanted some answers...I just wanted to know why... Tell me...tell me...why I'd still wanted to be with you?

You might think I’m a crazy masochist, for wanting to stay even though it broke me into pieces. But if I left, what will become of me? You were my everything, but you were the one who left...Even if you didn't deserve this love, I still missed you – every single minute, hour and not a day passed by that I never recalled these bitter sweet memories. But you’re gone.

I had not heard anything from you since then. It seemed like you’re not concern of my whereabouts anymore or if I’m still breathing the same air as I did. How could those long years meant nothing to you? Have you ever forgotten our lovely childhood days when we had started seeking each other’s company? Was it just because you pitied me, so you stayed by my side the whole time? Did you love me even for a brief moment? I never wanted your pity or anything.

If I knew, you would abandon me in the end, I’d rather be alone from the very beginning. I could have gotten used to the notion of one man in an island is enough to survive this cruel reality of pain. Oh, if I had the power to predict the future or go back in time, with some kind of whatever time machine it be. Let there be a magic wand that can undo past mistakes or a magic book for creating forget-the-pain potion. But I was just another heartbroken fool wishing for the impossible…

You’re gone.

I guessed the only gift you left me were these literally undying memories that kept on rewinding over and over as if it was some kind of a broken recorder that I can never fix, and the deep wound that your invisible ax cut me through - enough to make me bleed to death. Exaggeration it might be, but this might be even worse than instantly dying with a real physical wound - you cannot see it, but it's always there... it never disappears. How any amount of words can be so powerful – it can be so loving, forgiving, and heal any kind of pain at the same time can instantly break you into pieces without any way of putting them back together.

You should have never said it. We could have been together until now.

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