Hate

The next days are hard for Jade, her mind is always in the wilderness, she chooses not to come back because the pain is killing her. For her nothing change, her family is still complete. This is easier to accept than feeling the unending  loneliness.)

It's almost a month since her son passed away. Every day she is waking up like a zombie, laughing, working, and talking with others like everything is alright. No one knows what is really happening to her even her family, in the short time she mastered pretending very well.

Linggo linggo sumasama siya sa mga amo niya para mamasyal sa mall o makipagkita sa mga kamag anak at kaibigan niya pero ni minsan walang napansin ang mga Filipina na nakakasalamuha niya, sa harap ng lahat isa siyang  masayahin na tao.

But every time she closes the door of her room depression is waiting to embrace her. She wanted to hear her husband's voice or read his comforting words but it did not happen, maybe the problem is the weak signal but why others can text and call their wife abroad?? She already buys a phone so no reason not to contact her, or is she not worth wasting their precious time?

She wants to hurt herself again, her mind is poisoning her, saying that she is not worth being comforted, the worst mother, ungrateful daughter!

Every night is a battle that no one can imagine, a battle that you don't know if you will survive or no. How she wishes it is always daylight so she is surrounded by people, she could pretend and work continuously, how she wishes there is no night so she can not feel this unbearable pain, and lastly how she wishes she never leave them, maybe...just maybe they are still whole.

She squatted on the floor, praying to ask for forgiveness...her tears wet the floor but she doesn't care, her breathing tighten as she cries without sound control that no one will notice. Her knees melted, her body trembled but her mind did not stop mocking her.

"See no one cared about you, they don't like to talk to you, your husband doesn't want to talk to u! You are worthless!! It's your fault why your son died! You are worthless!! You are the bad mother! You are a worthless wife and you are a bad daughter!!!!"  the voice echoed in her mind that makes her tremble in fear, it is a heartless and devilish voice that scares her to death. She closes her ears and embraces her knees helplessly, asking God to keep her safe.

"Ahh! Stop! Stop! Leave me alone!... Jade cried while covering his head hitting it to the wall of her room but the voice becoming louder and louder. Her body stiffened, feeling very cold as if someone controlling her. She wiggles hearing the cracks of her bones.

"Let me take over everything, see yourself, your suffering a lot but hiding it to everyone, awake me and I will give you the power to fight your pain"... The voice is so strong that numbs her senses but all of a sudden another voice comes again confusing her.

"Don't listen to her, you are a strong woman, you are a good mother, wife, and daughter, don't be blinded by self-pity, it will put you to danger"... the voice is so soft that it calms her mind but it did not last long, the angry voice pop again and fight with the other one, she is getting crazy until she cannot stand it anymore, her head seems to explode that cause her to pass out.

As the days passing by, she's losing weight fast, mostly not sleeping at night but Jade is fighting, doing her work good even though it's hard for her to tame the kids of her boss. The girl is stubborn, a liar, and loves to hit her. But those are nothing compare to what she is suffering inside.

"Jade!! where is my necklace?" the loud voice of her madam stop her from cleaning in the kitchen.

"I  don't know madam," Jade answer entering the room to look for it.

"If you lost that I will kill you!" she shouted back which scares her. The little girl beside them smirks at her and whispers the word I will kill you as if it is a normal thing to utter.

Since then, the girl becomes more bitchy, threatens her every time she wants something that her parents do not allow them to do.

Also, her madam becomes bossy and loves to shout. Once she was out of sight she is saying badly in front of her husband and kids. The tandem of mother and daughter shouting and insulting her begun. She never heard her madam speak badly at her in English but she memorizes those  Arabic words coming from her. She laughs bitterly when she learns the meaning of it, it turns out that her kind madam has another side at all.

As soon as she enters her room, the aura changes quickly...She is starting to hate her room, she doesn't have peace of mind in that room, every night she is fighting with a voice that only she could hear. She is getting weak in hearing that voice, mocking her, torturing and blaming her for the death of her son, and now laughing so hard because not only her family hate her but also the family she is serving.

" Please reply to me," she almost begs, praying that her husband will text her, she needs him... She needs his moral support or else she will be crazy. She only needs his assurance, his comforting words and she will fight everything that comes in her way... for sure she will survive and she will come back for them stronger.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! I will bet he doesn't like to talk to you, see if he really cares about you, he will find ways to text or talk to you, but no!!!..... Even a simple I miss you is very hard for him to tell," a mocking voice pops up again polluting her mind to release her anger.

"Leave me alone! " She gritted her teeth and cry again... She's getting weaker, the voice slowly empowering her mind, and there is the feeling of rebelliousness inside her, a feeling that wants to kill some parts of her.  Slowly her positivity in life starting to vanish, hate is already entering her heart...she blames herself for everything and questioning God for her sufferings...Not only that, she is starting to hate her husband for being so cold. She always begs for him to call or message but he never did. She curses all of them!

"I'm so weak, I can't get out from grieving, I want to die, I'm a bad person, it's my fault why my son dies, it's my fault!!! she screams under her pillow. After a minute she stands up, her eyes blank, and walks like a zombie...she picks the blade inside her drawer and walks into the bathroom slicing her wrist but...

"I will not allow you to kill me!!! Awake me and you will survive! Use your anger, frustration, and self-pity to survive! Let me get out!!!" a very loud voice wake her up, the pain coming from her wrist caught her attention, and almost jump when she saw the blood on the floor. Shock by the realization that she is going to kill herself. She quickly cleans her wrist and puts on a bandage.

Enough!! Jade is getting crazy hearing the voices in her mind and feeling the different emotions that she's suffering ... She can feel the loneliness but at the same time she could feel the energy of anger that made her so alive. She's confused about how she can feel two people inside of her... One has lost hope and the other one wants to get out of the cage.

She admits that she is scared for the other side of her mind, the hatred in her voice is creeping in her bones, what will happen to her if that character overpowers her? She searches on the internet about her situation and if she is not mistaken she has a dual personality. The good and the devil one, when she is younger, in her high school days she already experience talking to herself as if it is two-person inside her but she did not pay attention to it. She thinks it is only normal.

" God helps me," she murmurs when she felt a very sharp pain in her chest. No !!! she promised herself that she will never awake that character. She manages to keep her emotion for months and she will not allow that it will come out.

"Sa tingin mo sa takbo ng utak mo ngayon kaya mo pang  pigilin ang paghahari ko sa katawan mo?? Nagkakamali ka dahil ang  sakit na nararamdaman mo ang siyang nagpapalakas sa akin, ang luha mo ay katumbas ng asido na bumubuhay sa galit ko at pagnanais na mabuhay para gantihan ang lahat ng taong umapi sa akin mula sa aking pagkabata. Tandaan mo, ako at ikaw ay iisa!!!! ako ang naipon mong galit at hinanakit ! ikaw ang bumuhay sa akin para iligtas ka sa pang aapi!!!

These words haunt her the whole night, how come she created a devil inside her? She Jade Francisco the Prim and proper for her relatives and friend have another personality?? The woman who never gets angry with anyone actually created a devil inside her??? All these revelations making her crazy, the searing pain in her head knocks her down but sleep avoided her to suffer more in the night.

What has she done in her life that she punishes very hard? will she be able to get out of this dilemma?

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