The Feeling I Don't Want

I hate her. I hate her. I hate her. I was lying on my bed with my arms covering my face. Why didn't she want to help me? I don't understand. I thought she was my friend. Is there any point in trying to recover my memories anymore? I don't know. Every time I try to think back, all I can remember is a bright flash of light and then I get a painful headache that almost causes me to pass out. Maybe Mike could help me. No. He was probably still mad at me. I met up with him during lunch and he got pretty mad.

I stood up from the bed and walked over to my desk. I haven't opened it up since the accident because I wasn't sure I wanted to know what was in it. Of course, I've been so curious about it that I wanted to open it but I couldn't. I just couldn't. But now I felt an urge to open up the drawers and look inside. I reached for the handle and grasped my hand on it. I didn't know what would happen if I saw the contents inside but I wanted to see. I took a deep breath and pulled it open. I peeked inside and let out a sigh. There wasn't much. A journal, a picture, and a box. I picked up the picture and flipped it over. It was a man and a little boy. I assumed that the boy was me and the man must be my dad. He was smiling at the camera with and his brown eyes shined in the light. He looked kind and slight wrinkles were shown on his cheeks. I turned it back and looked at the note. "Don't forget."

Zing-

My knees gave out and the next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the ground with the picture, my heart pounding and my head hurting. I took a few deep breaths and slowly stood up. I picked up the picture and put it back into the drawer. I shook my head and looked at the back of the picture then slowly picked up the journal. I was about to open it up when -

"Leo! Are you okay?"

I put the journal back in and closed the drawer.

"Yeah! I'll go to bed now!"

I turned off the light and hopped onto the bed. My head was still hurting but the pain was bearable. The thing I dreaded the most was the dreams. The dream that kept repeating. I didn't understand it and I didn't want to. I just knew that if I saw the girl again and I couldn't reach her, I would feel suffocated. I would feel as though my heart was shattering to pieces and then the shadows would get me. At some point, I drifted off to sleep and this time the dream was different. Much more vivid than the ones I had before. It was a field. I looked next to me and there was a man sitting and staring at the sky. He was talking to me.

"-must never make a woman cry. Do you understand Leo?"

"Why not?"

"If you do then you will also get hurt and no one wins. If you cry then it would be just as bad so always try to smile okay?"

He took his hand and patted my head. His arm covered up most of his face but I could see his smile.

"Smiling is just another way to cover up the pain.  So -"

I couldn't hear him anymore. The dream was slowly fading away.

"I can't hear you. Tell me. What did you say."

I woke up. I rubbed my face and felt something wet. I was crying again.

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