Episode 3. No privacy and be social

‘Zahid!, open the door! Farabi’s here.’ Maria screams real loud almost breaking the woodwork.

‘Yes, wait a second.’

So there standing outside is my cousin’s son whom I’ve never met before.

‘Hi’ said a nervous voice with a confusing smile. It seems he is measuring the width of

lips to add a bit of warmth to his expressions. The lad looks way more matured

as compared to his age which is atleast two years less than mine. The round,

Harry Potter like pair of glasses were unsuited for his rectangular shaped face

and curly hair. With one hand in his pocket and the other holding the bag

strap, he is ready to place the huge sack on the floor which gave me a feeling

that this room is not going to be entirely mine for a very long time.

But where are his parents? Has he come alone?! Should I close the door or ask?

I’ve hardly visited any of my relatives alone. He is too young for it! Or is he disturbed?

Nevertheless seeing his warm smile I tried force one upon my face too.

‘Hi Farabi, please come in.’ faking the smile wasn’t at all comfortable but what else can I say? Can’t

tell a guest that he’s not welcome, bad manners you know.

As I turned back towards my room I hear Hashu Aunty crying hysterically but I don’t want to

waste any more energy asking her what happened because this is her usual way of

expressing extreme levels of happiness. In case of any emergency I would be

informed anyway.

So now, theres is nothing I can do. My privacy and personal space has been intruded by

a little boy. Can’t lock my door because it will look odd. No privacy. I had

some serious plans for tonight.

Life gets harder by the day living in a place surrounded by people. I need space, peace. But

society doesn’t allow for it where isolation is deemed negative and out of the

norms of and average human being. Not having a sense of empathy is demonic to

them. Keeping such anti-social tendencies locked inside these days Ive started

to believe that maybe they are right. When I read Satanic Verses, Lucifer

Effect and other forbidden books, I could easily relate to them. I once posted

a quote from one of those books on social media and it didn’t take much time

for the readers to judge me as a non-religious individual and condemned me for

it. Whereas others thought I am mastering some sort of dark arts. Well, I’d

love to. But am i? An agnostic person? A disbeliever of faith? Not sure. I’ve

never prayed though, couldn’t find a good reason. It just didn’t happen.

Cannot often relate to the concept of sticking together, but this is not how everybody

thinks. I may be a self-centered and selfish individual just like my mother. Well that is what my relatives used to say about her and they thought I didn’t understand.

Hashu aunty never ever said a word about her sister, never did she utter her name after

that ‘incident’ in their opinion. I never bothered asking what had happened

then because the only witness of the situation was me.

Mother was forced into a marriage while she already had a boyfriend whom she loved immensely. Happiness doesn’t come if you go against the mind, so it didn’t happen. My grandmother was eager to see the face of her grandchild and two years after the marriage, I was born. When I turned five,

mother thought that not her family, husband or child was more important than

the man she loved dearly and so decided to embark a new life leaving us

behind. Father got married immediately. Hearing this news Hashu Aunty took me

with her to stay in her house and I never went back. Where else would go?

The harshest truth of my life is that I don’t miss my family. I was never upset or sad for

not having them around me. Didn’t feel the need. It’s a different life, way

enough rootless to be deep and dark. But this, is my secret self. I will not

disclose these thoughts to others because the more they are concealed within me,

the more precious they become. My soul resides in the darkness but that

darkness is impure. I want to see the darkness beyond the limit. Something

darker than pitch black if it ever exists. But there is always light in our

eyes and the concept of solid black is a myth.

Hey, be honest. Am I a propagator of positive vibes or negative ones?

I'm not greedy, envious or full of rage in any sense. Always trying not cause hurt be it a

human or an insect. The only problem is with the human being and it’s that I

can't feel them. I don't know if that's okay to feel nothing but act as if I

do. This Universe expect reaction from everything and everyone. I fake it most

of the time. It’s like disguise I carry along with me. But I think I like the

entire family consisting of Hashu aunty, Uncle Milan, Sofie and Maria.

‘We are a family.’ They say.

They are all chatting so I can put on my headphones and turn the volume level up, mix sugar and enjoy thinking out of this world. I’d better be talking to them while eating. Wondering if

Maria starts to scream at me for this anti-social activity of listening to

music during family time. Yeah, it’s family time, I should remember that.

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