my delusion

School brought me private bliss, I could indulge in my pettiness for all I cared. Immersed in my own thoughts I seemed to enjoy his presence. His love was all I cared for surely he was bound to notice me someday. It was clear as day that I had to root out any obstacles in my path. Any girl that looked his way I made sure they drew their fair share, I remember Sally the class beauty how I made her grovel in her own piss. I had become ruthless unforgiving and I actually cared for nothing other than my personal happiness. I knew no one would bring me the happiness I deserved, I had to be aggressive and grab it forcefully. This seemed to work, I watched as I drove the people near him into madness, he was becoming lonely, desperate to pass off, nevertheless that did not stop me from trying to win over his heart.

No one understood how it felt to be left alone, unwanted, useless and unloved if only they could ascertain the good in me I would have been able to keep my sanity and my self-respect. If Tinaye hadn't taken my love for granted I surely would have been a bright flower among the rest. Love indeed is a beautiful thing I evolved, my dressing sense improved I also washed my hair frequently.

Life had taught me the hard way, living on my own with no parental guidance the only thing close to family that I had was a self-engrossed aunt. It was obvious that she tolerated me only for the money my family had left, fortunately for me they had made it impossible for her to even have any access to their fortune. I had always been alone for as long as I could remember, even her presence had no impact in my personal values.

Developing feeling for someone was the first time I had actually initiated human contact and interaction from my side. I had never felt the warmth I felt from him on the first day of school when we pushed my chair towards me and helped me maintain composure. I felt immense gratitude towards him, for the first time someone had noticed me looked past my raged self and seen me for who I was, a lost puppy just looking for love. He had indeed seen right through me.

They say when you are in love you glow, I was fairly pretty not drop dead gorgeous but I was fairly ok, when it came to my looks. It was a pity I had abandoned my image for quite a while, I had lost sight of what it meant to be human, to be treated as a human.He brought that shine back to my life.

It was supposed to take time for a class misfit like me to blend in ,but besides him it was truly magical. My loneliness was fading at least that is what I believed, unfortunately that was the calm before the storm.Tinaye had reached out.I guess this is what pushed me into a suicidal comfort zone.

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