The Beginning

November, 2019.

'What do you think, where does one go after death? Is that person lost forever amidst the dust of this planet? Or does the person continue to live somewhere, someplace unknown to the living? Does everything vanish with the dying one, his emotions, feelings, love and desire? What exactly happens, I want to know, yet I don't want to know.' This is the question I wished to asked Steve everytime he was being nice, everytime he made me smile, everytime he gave me hope that something better lies in the tomorrow.

I had written down these exact same things in my diary. And I wished I could ask them someday. But i was waiting for the right time. But somewhere deep down in my heart, I knew that I never wanted such moment to come because it would be troublesome. I am not even if I could gather such huge amount of courage. Because I would never want to make him sad.

I am Tracey. I lived in the country side amongst the hills near city X for almost sixteen years. A hilly area would always bring peace to anyone's heart who is living in the city and is hoping to take some time off from his busy life. But I didn't really want to live here anymore. That was suffocating. With every passing day, my desire to just leave everything behind and run away to some unknown place grew even stronger. The school where I used to study was quite big for a country side school. I did have a few friends but not really special ones. I only have someone close to heart. She is my best friend and someone who used to be my neighbour. But she left to study in the city after tenth. I missed her a lot but then I was left all alone. I took a fancy in painting and stuff like that but I was always forced to pay attention to my school studies. I talked to my mom that I wanted to pursue my dream for painting and that I wanted to leave this place. But my mom hardly ever listened to what I had to say. She works as a nurse in the nearby hospital to earn a living for our family. Our family consists of our grandmother, my mother and my younger brother. Other than that, we have our uncle's family right next to ours. They moved in a year ago after my friend's family had moved out. My uncle is an amiable guy. At least he listened to I have to say about my school life and other stuff. I lost my father when I was six. And the fault was on me. I was told that it was my fault that he died. It was my fault for running away from home without telling anyone. But everyone needs someone to talk to. Other than my best friend, no one else believed me when I said that I was being bullied. My friend did not go to the same school as I did, so she didn't have much to say about that. But even my teachers say that I was the one who provoked the bullies first. What was I to do as a six year old who has no care, no support from her family. And as that happened I just wandered off somewhere and my father got all nervous. He went out to find me and got himself in an accident. I am sorry, dad but I didn't want to take all the fault on me either.

Tears rolled my cheeks as I recalled my past sitting in my hostel room with my diary in my hand. Its the summer of 2018 and the summer rain, very often pours down all of a sudden at any moment. Its almost been a year since I moved to city X for studying. And that is also after a year long discussion my uncle had with my mother. My mother agreed to send me to the city so that after studies, I become a doctor as she heard that doctors bring a lot of money. She doesn't call me often but when she does she talks about how much money is being spent just so I could live in the city. And if I cannot bring the fruit of all these hardships back to her, then she would just marry me off to someone. I understand why she's saying that, but even I have a life and I want to do what I love.

As I thought about it all night long, I just thought to myself that I don't have much time to live anyway and I am always told that to my family I have given only hardships, so I just decided to give up on my dream and do what I am told to. And so, I took admission into this college X where someone who was going to change my life forever studied too. That is the only thing done by mother, that made me happy in the last seventeen years of my life.

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