I’ve called my mom several times but she rejected my call during this last 2 weeks, which makes me swallow my own guilt for this few nights. She is so angry with me because I spent 35 million rupiahs and didn’t tell her the truth. I plan to talk to her again today, hope that mom at least answer my phone so I could apologize and explain to her briefly.
I stare at my phone once, waiting for Caroline’s reply. I was planning to confess to her next week.
Sometimes I think, is it right that I love in an open way? Giving unconditionally? But somehow that turns me dilemmas when I meet Tiere or Caroline. My phone pinged, saw the screen blinking lights. It must be Caroline replying my text, I grabbed my phone and check it immediately.
Caroline: Hey, I am so sorry, Ryan. But I have something to do next week. So maybe next 2 weeks? I am going out of town.
I am either relieved or disappointed. I rest my head on the gaming chair, tilted the chair facing the digital clock glowing in purple, just changed the color yesterday. It’s 21.06, usually I play game until 03.00 or even 04.00 in the morning excluding today, all of sudden I feel exhausted for no reason, my brain barely works. All I need right now is laying on the bed and do nothing. I rose from my chair, turned the computer off and threw myself to the mattress. Sniffing the good smells of Tiere’s hair on the pillow. She left 2 days ago but somehow her smell stuck on my pillow. Maybe because she lays here too often? I become miss her right now.
drrtttt drrrttt
It must be mom, I want to apologize. I rose from my bed quickly to reach my phone, then I saw Tiere’s name on the screen. I pressed the green button and put it on my ear. “Halo?”
“Ryan?”
My heart flutters when I hear her voice calling my name. My lips lifted upturn, feel comforted all of sudden.
“Yes?” I replied, did I sound pathetic?
“Haven’t sleep yet?”
“Not yet, Tiere”
“Oh..” she replied.
“What happen?” she scoffed.
“No, I was just wondering what are you doing right now”
“Go get some sleep, I will too” she added.
“No, not yet. It’s okay. Do you have anything to tell me?”
“Oh… no, Ryan. I was j-just…..c-checking on you.. hehe” her words stuttered.
“I’m fine, Tiere. Always”
“How about your mom?”
“My mom… hmm” thinking about my mom, I guess I have to made up with her quickly.
“Ryan? I think you should talk to your mom” she said, “I mean, this is not my business but… I-I care..so much about you” she continued. “Maybe you should make it up, and apologize to your mom sooner”
“Yes, Tiere. I will…”
“Ryan, you can talk to me if there’s anything happen to you, I am ready to hear your shits” she said with a chuckle.
“Okay Tiere”
“Okay. Sleep well, Ryan. Muach!”
“Sleep well, Tiere”
When Tiere gave me a phone -kiss. It reminds me of Caroline’s kiss 2 weeks ago, I was kinda startled and happy at the same time. I can’t stop thinking about the kiss, but I feel like something wrong. Whenever the kiss come into my head, Tiere’s face will appear from out of nowhere. Then, I feel uncomfortable all of sudden. I feel bad for Tiere I don’t know why, we are just fake dating but I feel like it is getting real for me. I haven’t told Tiere about Caroline’s kiss, haven’t told her I was about to confess to Caroline next week, which means I am gonna end this fake relationship soon. It’s hard for me to describe my feeling right now, I think I want to stay like this but this is too selfish. I can’t do that to Tiere or Caroline. And I don’t know how to choose between both of them.
I changed my laying position, facing the ceiling of my room. Then I clicked my phone lock and starts dialing to Miami.
Then I heard the hoarse voice, “Halo?” it’s my dad.
“Dad?” my eyes widened, haven’t talked to him since Chinese New Year, which is about 5 months ago.
“Yes? Ryan? What happen?”
“Dad? How are you?” I miss him so much.
“How are you, Ryan?” he asked back without answering my question.
“Um… I’m fine” I speak slowly.
“Great to hear that, my son” he added. “Are you looking for mom?” he asked again.
“Yea..Where’s mom, dad?” I finally got to ask him.
“Oh, she is not here, maybe forgot to bring her phone”
“Um….”
“What happen, Ryan? Do you have anything to say to your mom? Privately? Or you need me to pass your note?”
“Dad…” I rubbed my face, in deep depressions and feel anxious at the same time. Dad waits patiently for me to continue my words.
“Dad, I made a mistake” I blew a harsh breath.
“What mistake?” he is steady and cool.
“Didn’t mom tell you?”
“She did, but I want to hear it from you”
I took a deep breath before confessing my guilts, “I spent 35 millions for a woman”
“That’s great” he replied, and it makes me shock.
“Dad, I thought you are going crazy about it”
“I’m not” he replied shortly, dad doesn’t like to talk much, but a good listener. “Sometimes, you have to make mistake to know what’s right, Ryan” he added.
“I know you spent too much for that woman. Is that worth it for you?”
Worth it? I have never think about it.
“Hmm…” I mumbled. “You are a man now, Ryan. You know what’s right and what’s wrong. So I trust you” he stated.
Dad is a wise owl, doesn’t talk much, but a few words from him are golden words. He would remind me how little I can see with my eyes, how much I can see with my heart. He told me to follow my heart, earlier when my mom forced me to move with them to Miami.
“Thanks dad”
“Ryan, you don’t need to thank me. I am the one that have to thank you”
I wonder why, then dad continues “For growing as a man like today”
I feel like want to cry, I’m too flattered.
“Good night, dad”
“Good morning, Ryan”
And I smile. I feel relieved, and safe in my dad’s words.
Dad was right, sometimes we have to make mistake to know what’s right. And is that 30 something millions worth it? Is that all I want?
I finally can sleep peacefully tonight.
***
I open my eyes slowly, looking at the digital clock glowing in 06.45. I sit up and stretched my arms. The morning shine I rarely meet, because I get used to wake up at 8 or 9 or sometimes 7 if lucky. I shifted my blanket and walk towards the balcony, open the door and let myself outside. Inhaling the morning breeze while the sky is in blue and orange, the sun shining behind the clouds when it begins to get the light in the morning. I haven’t seen this beautiful morning for a quiet long time. Watching the morning from the balcony is not that bad though. I became fall in love.
My phone pinged, I walk towards my bedside table and found Tiere’s text popping up.
Tiere: Ryan! Me gonna go and grab some ushi*. Want some**?
Me: That’s great!
ping
Tiere: Oh! You are awake
**Me: Yes… pretty unusual, huh?
Tiere: HAHA! Okay. The sushi restaurant opens at 10 so, gonna grab them for take away later**!!
**Me: See you, Tiere
Tiere: See you**
I clicked my phone lock and walking towards the bathroom. Gonna take a bath to refresh my day. At least I feel better after talking to my dad last night. He is the best after all.
***
DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG DING DONG
I put my thesis aside. I feel hungry since morning, but try to hold the hunger myself to wait for Tiere.
“TADA!”
I became not hungry when I see her. Why?
Tiere cleared her throat and I caught her gaze “But, since you woke up at 6. I know you haven’t took any breakfast yet. So…” she rummages the plastic, took out a small bread and give it to me. “Eat this first, cause you can’t eat sushi with
empty stomach, right?”
She remembers everything about me. I feel bloated if I consume sushi with empty stomach. I took the bread and tear the plastic, then I put them inside my mouth since it is cute and tiny.
“Thanks” I said with mouthful of bread.
I feel bad cause I haven’t told her about my confessions and the kiss, maybe she doesn’t care… but I just feel bad, like I just cheated on her even though this is just a fake relationship. I keep my urge to get ready to tell her. I am ready with any consequences might happen, am I? Urghh... I am not sure..
I sit across her as Tiere been so excited with the sushi she bought. “Tiere” I said, “We need to talk”
Tiere’s smile faded slowly, “Yes?” like she knows what am I going to talk about. I took a deep breath “Caroline kissed me... like umm.. 2 weeks ago. I want to tell you..”
“Good” she cut me off, masking her disappointment, but she is trying hard to smile, which hurts me more. I don’t know what is she thinking about, but that expression occurs the same when she told me she broke up with Calvin.
“You guys made it that far” continue arranging the sushi, but this time she looks unbalanced. Looking at her, hurts my heart even more.
“So…” she continues, pouring the shoyu to the mini bowl. “Are you going to confess soon?”
I nod my head slowly but unsure when she caught my gaze. “Yes… maybe next week”
“Should we end this relationship right now?” I asked, “I..”
“It’s okay, Ryan. Can we just stay still like this until the time you confess to her? I am okay.. just to avoid awkward..y-you know…” she smiles again. I know what is she talking about, we get used to be like this, if we end our relationship, it will turns out awkward. Are we still friends later?
“We are still friends, Ryan..” she stated. “Finish!” she exclaimed. She put the dirty packaging inside the used -plastic and threw them into the trash.
“This is the best sushi in town!” she start poking the sushi.
“Tiere..” I called her, holding her hand, “I’m sorry.. are you okay?”
She squeezed my hand, smiling “I’m okay, Ryan.. By the way thanks to you I’ve moved on from Calvin”
This is like an instinct, specific response without involving reason.
“Tiere” I rose from the chair and walk towards her, she cocked her head looking at me. I bend my body, holding her face, at first we stared at each other for few seconds.
Follow your heart they say, and my heart says this is not a mistake.
I leaned my head forward, pressing my lips against her. “Ryan..” at some moment when our lips separated, she said between her breaths, “I like you..” and my heart is pumping faster. I’m flustered but addicted to her at the same time. A burst of adrenaline which increases my heart rate, boosts energy levels and gets the blood flowing to my heart. All of which are good things. This is uncontrollable desire, my tongue plays hers. Her arms wrapped around my neck, we are kissing like crazy, like our lives depends on it. Her lips pressing mine, gentle but demanding, and it’s everything like I’ve experienced with only Tiere, her kiss is different. My veins throb and my heart explodes. I have never wanted anyone like this before. Ever. And… I feel…. love…..
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Comments
jae.
I think in Ryan's mind he likes Caroline... But
In his heart he loves Tiere😑😍
2020-11-08
2