Chairman Jung wanted me to go back to the United States, but in the end, I didn't. Instead, I joined the Management Strategy team at TY Group headquarters and started working there. Although I felt lifeless, my day-to-day routine managed to flow as the wheels began to turn. At first, I couldn't get down to work at all, but now I was working non-stop. Gradually I was able to return to my usual self.
However, the only thing that has changed was I hardly go to bars or parties. It was enough to meet people at the dinner table to talk and went home right after. I didn't put my feet anymore to the place where I drank and did drugs like before. I spent those hours drinking alone at home.
Neither drugs nor medication pills helped my insomnia, so I used it less now. Day by day just went by. Unexpectedly, it was already the middle of winter when I came to my senses. And in my cell phone records, Yoon Heegyeom's name sank deep down.
There was a time when Yoon Heegyeom's calls and messages piled up. At first, he called me two or three times a day, and then it rings every few days. Slowly, I didn't receive any. Yoon Heegyeom did leave multiple messages.
[I'm in Seoul.]
[Call me back, please.]
[I'm at home. I will wait for you]
[Let's talk, let me explain]
That simple message made me feel relieved, like an idiot. I like that Yoon Heegyeom constantly kept in touch and held on even though I felt stuck in a gutter. However, the same question came to mind, and my mood plummeted again.
Why are you holding on to me? Because of the movie? No, I didn't do anything to Kim Yu-Hwa. The filming ended smoothly, and I heard they already started the post-production, such as editing and putting the audio. Yoon Heegyeom used to tell me that he wanted to do as he pleases, and I just granted his wishes. But why do you keep contacting me?
Was it regret? To be forgiven? No. Rather, why would he say he's going to explain? Are you afraid that I'll hurt you back one day? Or is it my money and influence you are obsessed with? Perhaps is there still a bigger ploy to hold onto me? My doubts have only grown within.
Nevertheless, I missed you. I missed him a lot.
Despite my suspicion, I'm so glad he is still holding on to me. However, the reason I didn't get in touch, let alone meet him, was because I really didn't know what to do. This is so unfamiliar. I think I've reached a dead-end. I felt like my blood was drying day by day.
I miss you. I wanted to see him. When I'm at my lowest point, the sadness and agonizing that followed were unbearable. Wouldn't it be easier if I just went to Yoon Heegyeom, held him in my arms, and shared our body temperature?
But even that, I was skeptical. I have no idea why he is meeting or having sex with me. I couldn't figure out his intentions.
Do you think it will make me feel better if we talk? No, not at all. No matter what you say, I don't believe you.
I couldn't trust him until I got the answer I wanted. The trust I had in him unknowingly before was gone. I ordered Kim Taewoon to dig into the relationship between Kim Yu-Hwa and Yoon Heegyeom, but I couldn't accept the fact that it didn't come out much. There must be some kind of scheme.
I thought about Yoon Heegyeom all day, doubting and suffering. Then got upset by it. I was delighted by imagining his touch, but again I doubted. This series of conjectures only fed my paranoia and made me couldn't see him. I thought it was okay to meet once I uncover the truth. Thus I've been avoiding his calls and delaying the meeting. Even hearing any report about him made my heart ache, so I stopped monitoring him. I didn't know anymore.
[Are you really not going to meet me anymore?]
Meanwhile, Yoon Heegyeom's contact, which had been gradually diminishing, was completely cut off with that message. I didn't answer because I didn't think it would be the last one. I wanted to answer, but I couldn't because there was nothing organized in me yet. I missed you... a lot, but this situation and my defense is holding me back.
But really... It was the end. From that day until now, there have been no new calls or
messages. Were you giving up on me for not answering or replying to you?
As if you are leaving now.
After some time passed, I realized that it was over. Until now, I've been involved in
all kinds of emotional vortexes. The ending was actually more... futile and pointless
than I thought.
Something seemed to have been cut off inside of me. Paradoxically, my state pushed me back to my daily life. I couldn't shake off being vulnerable, but at least I was still doing my job.
