It was a beautiful morning of winters
With feeling of cold and rays of sunlight spread everywhere giving a familiar warmth
It was our first day of school after a long period of lockdown as if we were set free to fly outside after long wait ......
I got up early , got ready and as usual reached school before time with my friend waiting for our new classmates in new school all set for a fresh start ......
I looked at door waiting for someone to enter .....
With a ray of light a guy entered , tall with specs and mask on the face
He was not any typical bollywood hero types nor some fair skinned kpop star or some bearded guy as of south industry hero but in my view i have never seen someone more handsome and good looking than him ........
All in all i don't know why but my sight got stuck on him and i got caught by his one appearance
Neither i knew how he looks nor his behaviour but i felt some connection at that first site...
He looked around in the classroom and then his eyes landed on me . He smiled at me , although I couldn't see it but I can feel it by the way his eyes raised....
I was so stuck on his smile that even didn't remembered to smile back . Then many more students entered and he got settled. I was embarrassed that I didn't even smiled back he must be thinking I'm rude 😮💨😔
Later that day I didn't even dared to look at him again.....
2 days later an activity was organised for introduction of all new students. I was eagerly waiting for his turn to come.......
Here he was ,, his name was Ran. This was the first time I saw him without mask . He had dark brown eyes , beautiful lashes , brown skin tone and although I didn't see him smile but I'm sure he had a great smile..
Coincidentally he was a family friend of Alley , my best friend. Though they were not great friends but atleast knew each other. Alley introduced me to him and that's how I talked to him for the first time.....
Since all three of us were new to the school we decided to help each other and get through it.
He was a sweet talker , who could get along with anyone once he got to talk to them . On contrary I was an introvert, not so good at making friends . I thought I would not need more friends since I had Alley and Ren by my side . But that was not true since soon after start of the session he made number of friends and was part of a complete different group. Alley though never left my side and that made me feel better.
Then for the first year of our high school we didn't talk much and it didn't bothered me much because I hardly knew him , I was just infatuated by him for a while that ended once I started to focus on my studies....
During the last year of high school we were again on talking terms , this time he initiated it . We all wanted to score Good in exams and at the same time wanted to make our last school year memorable.
I was good in academics and he used to approach me for some doubts , assignments or exams . This was the primary reason we started talking again , atleast that's what I thought......
The terrace of our school became our spot of usual hang outs during our free time . All three of us developed a good bond during this period , Although most of the time Ren and I were the one talking and Alley would just either listen to us talking, bickering and arguing or wander on the terrace......
Usual me was always conscious of what I'm doing , what people might think about me , how people talk of me ,,, but when I was with him none of these would ever cross my mind . Many of our classmates might have noticed our bonding and would tease me about him , and made me smile . I used to think if something similar happened with him .......
By that time I was sure that it was way more than infatuation or a mere attraction but I wanted to stay focused on my studies and henceforth tried to distant myself . But his reaction to my changed behaviour raised suspicion in me that he might be thinking of me more than a friend but I tried not to think of that .
Once I remember he asked for my assignment that I had already given to someone else . He thought I would take it back and give it to him but I didn't do that and that was the first time I saw him angry. Maybe he was jealous or maybe it was just his hurt ego . He stopped talking to me and even started ignoring me . Anyways it made my work easier to stay away from him .
2 days later , I was at our spot alone since I had no classes that time ; Alley and Ren had classes since they were in same stream . I went there because I expected no one will come there at this time . I was sitting there and suddenly a voice startled me . I didn't look back because I knew it was him , although I was surprised to see him there at time of class ...
He came beside me . His eyes staring at me but I didn't bothered to look back . He started the conversation...
" Are you angry at me for something? "
" No " I said without looking at him
" Then why are you being cold to me ? "
" Aren't you the one ignoring me ...." I said turning to him . I saw a sadness on his face which was unbearable for me to look . His eyes were pleading for apology of mistake he never made .......
I was the one guilty here and conveniently shifting blame to him , but instead of arguing back or blaming me he took blame on himself of something he didn't even know
" Sorry for ignoring you and any other thing that might had hurt you " he released a deep sigh " but can we get back to being friends as we were "
I can't I can't........
It's difficult to keep talking to him and not liking him
But it's more difficult to see him like this .
I nodded and smiled and to ease the environment I teased him " you are good at apologising, you should do it often "
He grinned " definitely not to you "
I smacked his arm and we both laughed out all our worries and overthinkings........
After the school ended we went to different cities for our further education . But through this journey we were each other's constant .Once a week we used to talk , for hours . Talking out all the frustrations of college life , supporting and motivating each other and sharing all the problems with each other ........
One day while I was in college I received a voice message from him . It was very unusual of him since usually he either texts me or directly call me . I was worried and as soon as I reached hostel I listened to it
It said " Hii I know it's unlikely of me to send voice mails but I'm about to tell you something very important and I want you to hear it from me . I could have called you but I didn't have that much confidence . I have been wanting to tell you this from last 2 years that ' I like you' actually I like you very much . I don't know how and when it started but you have become important part of me . I think you do feel the same but I don't want to assume anything I want to hear it from you . And in case I wish I am wrong but if you don't feel the same for me , don't feel awkward you can tell me anything remember..... It's just a feeling and I will make sure that It doesn't ruin our friendship that means more than anything to me ."
As I listened to the message I couldn't help smiling . That's exactly what I felt for him and much more than he can ever do or ever imagine .......
But even after I was sure about how I felt , even after his assurance , there was a fear of losing our friendship that overtook every emotion in me .
I texted him back that " you have always been special to me Ren , I am truly myself only in front of you . I don't need to pretend anything in front of you . You are the one with whom I can share anything without any fear of being judged. You have always understood me like no one else can . But it's better that we stay friends .
It's not that I don't like you or anything but I like you just as a friend , my best friend , not more than that . I'm sorry that I can't reciprocate your feelings . I'm scared Ren . Please don't let this affect our bond . Can we please stay as we are ......"
I knew it would have hurt him and even more to me but it was for the best .
He agreed to being friends and we always stayed friends . It's unfortunate that in this life time he would never know how much I had loved him .............
