Every twenty years, the village of Doddapur held the same terrifying meeting.
The elders would gather in the temple hall, light twelve candles, ring a bronze bell, and announce with dramatic sadness:
“The Monster of Infinity Castle is hungry again.”
"What's with the anime reference?"
"Shut up. "
"....ಠ,_｣ಠ"
Nobody knew exactly when the curse had started. Some said the monster was once a prince. Some said it was a demon. One old man claimed it was just a government employee who snapped after too many meetings.(╬☉д⊙)⊰⊹ฺ
Every twenty years, the monster demanded one human.
If it didn’t get one, strange things happened. Milk turned vodka. Chickens got employed at KFC. Wi-Fi stopped working, everyone was terrified.(￣ヘ￣;)
Now, in the same village lived an American man named Ryan Reynolds. Not the actor but he claimed he was.(・–・;)ゞ
Ryan had come to India for “spiritual growth,” but mostly spent his time drinking sugarcane juice, getting sunburned, and trying to impress a local girl named Shanti. She had no shanti in her life tho....┻┻︵¯\(ツ)/¯︵┻┻
Shanti was smart, funny, and was very capable of negotiating any price which is given to her.
Ryan had tried everything. He settled in India only 5 days ago.
He learned three Hindi words and used them in every sentence.
“Namaste…chai…Kutte.” (ノ｀Д´)ノ彡┻━┻
He tried flirting....but on a street dog
( ͡°ᴥ ͡° ʋ)
He would feed the cats and then start ranting about his life to them.
He even tried dancing at a wedding once and accidentally kicked a coconut onto the priest(ꏿ﹏ꏿ;).
Still, Shanti somehow liked him.
Not because he was smooth.
Because he was so unbelievably stupid that it became charming.(눈‸눈)
Eventually, after months of chaos, Shanti agreed to marry him.
The whole village celebrated(≧▽≦)
Except one elder, who quietly muttered:
“The twentieth year is close…”
But nobody listened.
Because Ryan had discovered Indian wedding buffets.
Three days before the wedding, Ryan got extremely drunk at his bachelor party.
He drank something called “special village juice,” which tasted like mangoes mixed with rocket fuel.
At around midnight, Ryan stood up dramatically.
“I AM A BRAVE MAN,” he announced(ノ｀Д´)ノ彡┻━┻
“You cried because a goat growled at you yesterday,” said his friend Arjun.
“I FEAR NOTHING.”(⌐■-■)ノ彡┻━┻
“You were scared of a lizard on a ceiling fan...”ಠωಠ
"YOU! jumped kilometers far just because a dog coughed at 5 meters near you ಠ︵ಠ"
"Hey man, I can't risk my life. The dog looked more sick than you in your college day....and in your college days you looked like a shaved cat running on motor oil (⌐■-■)"
Then an old drunk uncle casually pointed toward the dark mountains.
“If you’re so brave,” the uncle laughed, “go visit Infinity Castle.”
The entire room went silent.
Even the DJ stopped playing music.
Ryan blinked.
“What’s Infinity Castle?....”ヽ(｡◕o◕｡)ﾉ.
"'I am Ryan Reynolds! I am soo stupid to go to a clearly haunted castle because some uncle said so! Oh praise me!!ಠ益ಠ'" Arjun sarcastically said with air quotes.
"You're coming with me" Ryan said but Arjun already left like a wild dog was chasing him.
"YOUR ON YOUR OWNNNNNNNN!!!!" Arjun screamed as he ran.
"....ರ╭╮ರ Some friend he is..." Ryan sighed.
Twenty minutes later, he was climbing a mountain with a flashlight, a wedding garland around his neck, and absolutely no survival instincts.
The castle stood on a cliff like a giant black shadow.
Thunder cracked.
Bats flew out dramatically.
Ryan looked around nervously.
“Okay,” he whispered. “This is officially the worst drunk decision of my life.”(･o･;)
A huge door slowly creaked open.
Inside sat the monster.
It was enormous.
Seven feet tall.
Grey skin.
Sharp claws.
Glowing red eyes.
And somehow…like a gay bestie???(゜o゜;
The monster wore a velvet cape with pink and gold glittering shoulder pads. And painted nails???(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧
Ryan stared.
The monster stared back.
Then the monster sighed dramatically.
“OMG!!(人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+” it said. “Another human~~.”
Ryan blinked, sceptical.
“You speak English?”
“I learned from Netflix~~<(￣︶￣)>”
"You have Wi-Fi here??" Ryan was shocked
"What? Of course not, I just added a random network which was available. Oh please you humans have to make your passwords stronger 'SonamGuptaizzTheBest' come on ತ_ʖತ"
Ryan then remembered mr.sonam who was blaming his wife for the Wi-Fi bills when it is was monster bing watching 'Heated Rivalry' all night ಠ∀ಠ.
The monster stood up slowly.
“Do you know what happens every twenty years?”
Ryan nodded weakly.
“You eat someone?”
“Yes. Tradition.” The monster shrugged. “Honestly I’m tired of it. The flesh gets stuck in my teeth!~~ it's hard to remove it~( ͝° ͜ʖ͡°)ᕤ”
Ryan tried backing away.
Unfortunately, he stepped on his other shoelace and fell face-first onto the floor.
The monster stared.
“…Wow.”
Ryan stood up awkwardly.
“Listen man, I’m getting married in three days(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)”
The monster froze.
“…Married?”
“Yeah.”
“To a woman who willingly said yes? Damn! The woman has no taste....ಠಿ_ಠ”
“Yes?(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)”
The monster looked personally offended.
“I haven’t had a relationship in SIX HUNDRED YEARS. But I am slaying my single life!~ ಥ╭╮ಥ”
Ryan slowly nodded.
“Okay.”
The monster narrowed its glowing eyes.
“You know what? I curse you ಥ_ಥ”
Lightning exploded outside.
Ryan screamed༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽
The monster pointed dramatically.
“Until this curse is broken, every romantic moment in your life shall become unbearably awkward!”
Ryan blinked.
“That’s it?(´⊙ω⊙`)！”
“You underestimate awkwardness.”
The curse activated immediately.
Ryan suddenly sneezed so hard his pants ripped(((;ꏿ_ꏿ;)))
The monster smiled proudly. "Periodtt!~~꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡"
“Now leave my castle. I need to do my manipadi!~~(ӦｖӦ｡)”
The next morning, Ryan returned to the village looking like he had fought a washing machine.(´-﹏-`；)
Shanti gasped.
“What happened to you?!”
Ryan tried to explain.
But every time he said the word “monster,” hiccups interrupted him.
Then, during breakfast, he accidentally launched hot sambar onto Shanti’s father(٥↼_↼)
At lunch, he drank surfexcel thinking it was Gatorade (─.─||）
At dinner, he called Shanti’s grandmother “bro.”(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)┛
The curse was working perfectly.
Finally, the village priest screamed:
“You were cursed by the Monster of the Infinity Castle!”
Everyone panicked.༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽
One aunty fainted into a bucket.
Another aunty blamed mobile phones.ಠ∀ಠ
Ryan grabbed Arjun desperately.
“How do I fix this?!”
“There’s a witch in the forest.”
“Of course there is...”ಠ﹏ಠ
So the two men traveled deep into the jungle to meet the witch.
Her hut was filled with smoke, skulls, herbs, candles, and one aggressively fat orange cat.
The witch looked ancient.
Wrinkled face.
Silver hair.
Terrifying eyes.
And giant pink slippers.
She listened carefully to Ryan’s story.
Then she nodded.
“Yes. The curse is powerful.”
Ryan leaned forward desperately.
“How do I break it?”
The witch raised one finger dramatically.
“You must marry a dog.”
Silence.
Ryan blinked.
“…What?”(⌐■-■)(ಠ_ಠ)>⌐■-■
“A sacred ritual<(￣︶￣)↗”
“That sounds.....illegal...”
“Do you want the curse removed or not?”
Three hours later, Ryan stood beside a confused golden retriever wearing a tiny flower garland.(´-﹏-`；)
A priest looked emotionally exhausted.
“Never in my life, had I expected to do something like this....ಥ‿ಥ” the priest whispered sadly.
Ryan sighed.
“I’m sorry.ʕ´• ᴥ•̥`ʔ”
The ritual ended.
Nothing happened.
The witch nodded calmly.
“Hm. Then the second ritual.”
“What now?(-_-;)・・・”
“You must kiss a lion.”
Ryan screamed "WHAT?!?༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽"
The witch shrugged.
“Magic is complicated.╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭”
The next day, Ryan found himself at a wildlife sanctuary staring at a massive lion named Raja.
The trainer looked concerned.
“You want to do WHAT? ತ_ತ”
Ryan leaned toward the lion nervously.
The lion sneezed directly into his face. And then licked Ryans face.
Nothing happened.
Back to the witch.
She thought deeply.
“Interesting”
Ryan twitched.
“I kissed a lion ಠ︵ಠ”
“Yes.”
“I married a DOG (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻”
“Lol ya- Yes..”
“I smell like lion saliva.”
“Thats because u still haven't showered...(눈‸눈)”
The witch snapped her fingers.
“Final ritual.”
Ryan looked terrified.
“What now?”
“You must walk across the Fire Stones of Bhairava.”
Arun whispered, “That sounds painful.(ب_ب)”
“It IS painful(人≧▽≦)” said the witch happily.
So at sunset, Ryan walked barefoot across burning stones while screaming loud enough to scare birds out of nearby trees.
Villagers watched respectfully.
One man sold popcorn.(◕ᴗ◕✿)
Ryan collapsed at the end.
Nothing happened.
The curse remained.
Ryan looked ready to cry.(༎ຶ ෴ ༎ຶ)
The witch finally leaned close.
“There is one final solution.<(￣︶￣)↗”
“PLEASE༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽”
She opened a wooden box and removed a golden necklace.
“This sacred necklace must be placed around the monster’s neck.”
Ryan grabbed it desperately.
“That’s it?!(ಠ_ಠ)━☆ﾟ.*･｡ﾟ”
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say this first?!”
“Because watching you kiss a lion was funny.(人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+"
Arun nodded slowly.
“Fair.I even sent snaps to Shanti lol” Arjun said as he takes more snaps of Ryan's misery.
"And you should do it by sunset Ryan, the time is very....'Important' (◍•ᴗ•◍)" The witch said to Ryan giggling mischievously.
Ryan grew more sus of her. (눈‸눈)
That evening, Ryan climbed the mountain again.
Rain poured from the sky as if the sky was also scared to see this event unfold.
Thunder shook the castle.
The doors opened.
The monster appeared dramatically.
“You again. ʘ‿ʘ”
Ryan pointed angrily.
“Your curse ruined my life!༼;´༎ຶ ༎ຶ༽”
The monster folded its arms.
“That's because it's a curse?ಠಿ_ಠ”
Ryan pulled out the necklace.
“I know how to break it.( ´◡‿ゝ◡`)"
The monster suddenly froze.
Its glowing eyes widened.
“Where did you get that?..”
“The witch gave it to me.”
The monster became very quiet.
“…Describe the witch.”
“Old. Creepy. Fat cat. Pink slippers.”
The monster covered its face.
“.....”
“What? Why are you quiet??”
“That’s my daughter...”
Ryan blinked.
“YOUR DAUGHTER?!”
“Yes.” The monster sighed deeply. “She’s always causing problems. Why did you even go to her?? Just because I cursed you?? ಠಿヮಠ”
“why did you cruse me then?!”
“Idk, it's been a while since I cursed someone so....(ﾟοﾟ人))”
“You made me marry a dog!(╬⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾ Д ⁽⁽ ⁰ ⁾⁾)”
The monster tried not to laugh.
“That’s actually hilarious.╮(. ❛ ᴗ ❛.)╭, I wanna watch it....too bad.."
Ryan marched forward angrily.
“I’m ending this curse NOW.”
“WHAT—”
Too late.
Ryan threw the necklace around the monster’s neck.
A massive explosion of golden light filled the castle.
Thunder crashed.
Wind roared.
The monster stared down at the necklace in horror.
Ryan blinked.
“…What?”
The monster looked unbelievably embarrassed.
“That’s not a sacred curse-breaking necklace(￣ヘ￣;).”
Ryan frowned.
“Yes it is.(ಠ_ಠ)>⌐■-■”
“No it's not.” the monster scowled.
“…Then what is it?”
The monster sighed.
“It’s a thalli.(๑•﹏•)”
Silence.
Ryan’s brain stopped working.ヘ（。□°）ヘ
“In human terms,” the monster continued awkwardly, “you just married me.(ㆁωㆁ)”
Ryan stared.
The monster stared back.
Somewhere outside, lightning struck dramatically like nature itself was laughing.
Ryan screamed.
“WHAT?!(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ”
Golden magic swirled around the room.
The curse shattered instantly.
The monster blinked in surprise.
“Oh.”
Its body slowly began glowing.
Ryan pointed wildly.
“WHY ARE YOU SPARKLING?!ಠ益ಠ”
The monster looked emotional.
“The curse that trapped me here… it only breaks if somebody truly accepts me.(｡•́︿•̀｡)”
Ryan frowned.
“I literally attacked you with jewelry.”
“Yes,(･ัω･ั)” the monster said softly, “but technically it still counts as marriage.”
"Isn't gay marriage illegal tho?" Ryan questioned.
"Well I am a monster...and I am gonna go bye bye soon.(*´ω｀*)"
Ryan looked like he was about to faint.
The monster smiled warmly for the first time.
“You know… after six hundred years, this is strangely nice.( ˘ ³˘)♥”
“I DID NOT JUST MARRY A MONSTER.”
“Legally you did..”
The monster began disappearing into glowing dust.
“Wait,” Ryan said. “...You're free now??”
“Yes.”
“And the village is safe?”
“Yes.”
“And I can still marry Shanti?”
“…Probably.(〃ﾟ3ﾟ〃)”
“PROBABLY?!”
"Well, you still have to explain that you married a dog and a monster to her...if she's a baddie maybe she could accept you..(´∩｡• ᵕ •｡∩`)."
The monster shrugged.
Then it smiled.
“Goodbye, Ryan Reynolds. Worst husband I ever had.(●’3)♡(ε`●) The real Ryan is way more hotter than you anyways, I'll do simp to him ಠᴥಠ”
And with that, the monster vanished forever.
The next morning, Ryan returned to the village.
Everyone gathered around him nervously.
“Well?” Shanti asked.
Ryan sighed.
“The monster’s gone.”
"Atleast....we can be together now.." she said as he held Ryan's hand lovingly.
The village erupted into cheers.
People danced.└|∵|┐♪
Drums played.♪┌|∵|┘♪
Someone released chickens for no reason.₍₍ ◝( ﾟ∀ ﾟ )◟ ⁾⁾
Shanti hugged Ryan tightly.
“You saved everyone.”
Ryan smiled weakly.
“Yeah…”
Then the village priest squinted at Ryan’s neck.
“…Why are you wearing a matching wedding thread?O_o”
Ryan froze.
Far away in the mountains, ghostly laughter echoed through the wind.┏(＾0＾)┛〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜
