I knew you were far more broken to be fixed...
They say time heals, but what if time suddenly stops ticking?
***
Matvey lay unconscious on his bed, empty bottles scattered across the floor, the stench of cigarettes filling the room, and faint wisps of smoke still lingering in the air.
Since the day his loved one left, every day had been a living hell. Every morning he woke up with a weight pressing on his chest, a harsh reminder of the reality that his beloved was no longer in the same world. The sun continued to rise even though his world had collapsed.
The love that was once his source of strength had now become the source of his destruction.
Six years was not a short time, the future he had planned with her crumbled in the blink of an eye.
Matvey began to destroy his own world, ruining himself with alcohol and nicotine, because only in that way could he run from the bitter reality, at least for a moment, he could forget.
.
.
.
Days turned into months. Time passed quickly since the car accident that claimed the life of his beloved.
But Matvey still moved through his monotonous days without any zest for life, though he at least still had enough sanity to keep working and earning.
Even his friends and family had given up on bringing back the old Matvey, the cheerful and bright one. Now, only his shell remained, his soul was still trapped in the abyss of emptiness.
They could only hope that one day a miracle would change his life again.
Until one day....
"𝘐’𝘮 𝘑𝘢𝘯𝘦, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶?"
"𝘔𝘢𝘵𝘷𝘦𝘺."
Matvey met Jane.
***
I was at a cafe, invited by Evelyn. At first, I thought it would just be the two of us hanging out for coffee, but it turned out Evelyn had invited several friends, some of them i didn't know.
But there was one man who caught my attention. He sat next to me, while we were joking around and playing games, he just blabbered to himself, asking absurd questions directed at no one in particular.
"If in the end we’re all going to die, doesn't that mean we’re all dying right now?"
It was one of his questions that made me itchy, unable to stop myself from not responding.
"Yes, we’re all dying. Maybe tomorrow you’ll suddenly slip off the stairs and head straight to the heaven? Who knows." I answered casually with a shrug.
"Oh, I see," he replied shortly.
"I'm Jane, and you?" I introduced myself so we could at least talk about something else.
"Matvey," he answered, short, concise, and clear.
"Okay Matt, nice to meet you."
"Yeah."
.
.
.
That was the beginning of our meeting. Who would have thought that cold man would eventually become my boyfriend just weeks after we started meeting frequently?
No one expected it though, with our contrasting personalities, him with his calmness, and me with my hyper.
At first, I just felt the urge to tease him, to melt his icy mask and make him talk. His thin smile when I teased him gave me a sense of satisfaction, it showed that this "cold blooded" man wasn't as rigid as his exterior. He looked much better when he smiled, except for... those eyes.
Eyes that were hollow. His icy mask did melt slightly with that thin smile, but the smile never quite reached his gaze.
But over time, his thin smile turned into laughter. The spark in his eyes began to shine, and sometimes I would catch him staring at me intensely while I chattered away.
I would pretend not to notice, but once I looked back at him and our eyes met, he didn't look away. Instead, his gaze pierced deeper into my soul, there was longing there, desire, and hope.
And at that moment, he said, "Be my girlfriend!"
The demanding tone of his voice still rings in my head. But his eyes said something different. The way he looked at me when he spoke those demanding words made it feel as if I were the only thing in his universe, and his gravity was pulling me in.
Who could refuse a demand filled with such passion and sincerity?
And his love... this kind of love... a sweet obsession... securing each other's feelings, providing endless certainty. He treated me in ways I never knew I needed.
And since then, he became a part of my life.
***
I’ve been with Matvey for over five months. The days we’ve spent have been full of laughter and affection. I love him, and I know he loves me just as much, not a single doubt has crossed my mind.
But lately, he’s been disappearing without a word. At first, it was just for a day, but gradually, he could be gone for days.
Of course, I was mad, but his apologies, sweet words, and warm affection always managed to melt my overflowing rage.
I was like a loyal dog wagging its tail in front of him, I could never truly express my anger when faced with his handsome face that always looked so wistful.
But I realized if this continued, our relationship wouldn't last. Either my trust would fade or my love would start to disappear.
So, I decided to have a serious talk with him.
"Matvey darlin', are you busy drafting a new proclamation at your company that you couldn't contact me for three days?" I asked sarcastically.
"No? Just organizing data as usual, honey," he answered innocently, pretending not to understand the sarcasm.
And just before I could grill him with another sarcastic remark, he continued,
"Do you remember when we first started dating? I told you about my past, about the car accident that took my ex-girlfriend's life."
"Yes, of course. And what does that have to do with my question, hmm?"
How could I forget? He told me that tragic story the night right after we officially became a couple.
After hearing what happened to him, I decided never to ask about his ex. I didn't want him to dwell on his bitter memories. His present was now with me, let the dead remain in their void and vanish forever.
It might sound selfish, but who wants to feel insecure and jealous over a ghost?
"It seems I'm starting to experience side effects from that accident. My head has been hurting a lot lately, and I often fall asleep after taking medicine. I think my doctor mixed sleeping pills into the prescription. But I'm better now, see... I'm here now," he said nonchalantly, spreading his arms wide.
"WHAT? AND YOU'RE ONLY TELLING ME NOW?"
Honestly, I was furious. I wanted to grab his collar and throw him to the ground. How could he not tell me something this important?
"It's just a headache, darling. I didn't want to make you worry."
"And you think I don't worry when you don't give me any news for three days???"
"Sorry honey, I promise I won't make you worry again," he said, pulling me gently into his embrace.
I just stayed silent in his arms, as if I no longer had the energy to argue, letting myself drift in his warmth while feeling the rhythm of his heartbeat.
Until finally, I realized that his words were just a sweet lie.
Yes, he didn't keep his promise. He disappeared more often and kept me worried.
It felt like I was holding sand, the tighter I tried to grip, the more slipped through my fingers.
I stopped asking "why" and "where," because his absence was the most honest answer. He wasn't lost, he just didn't want to be found by me.
In the middle of the night, my phone rang. Seeing his name on the screen, my heart raced. After so long without word, why now, and at this hour?
I pressed the answer button and held the phone to my ear. For a few seconds, I said nothing. Neither did the person on the other end. Just silence...
And after that long silence, I decided to hang up. But before my finger touched the screen, I heard a woman's voice.
"Is this Jane?" the woman asked.
My hands trembled. With a hoarse voice, I replied, "Who is this?"
Instead of answering, only sobs were heard from the other end. And the next words that came from that woman made me run immediately to the place she mentioned.
***
I saw him lying on a white bed. At the end of the bed was a board with his name, age, and the disease he was suffering from.
My eyes were fixed on the words "Heart Cancer" on that board. My cheeks began to get wet with tears that I could no longer control.
The woman who called me was Matvey's mother. She told me the chronology of how Matvey ended up in this hospital.
She said that after his ex died, Matvey became addicted to alcohol and cigarettes, the fact that quite shocking to me because as far as I knew, he lived a healthy lifestyle, he told me he didn't like smoking, wasn't addicted to drinking, and even went to the gym often.
His mother said he had indeed stopped his bad habits. She didn't know the exact cause or rather, she didn't care, she was just grateful her son could return to a normal life.
Matvey never told them he had a new girlfriend, he just seemed more cheerful and closer to the family.
A week ago, Matvey suddenly collapsed. His family rushed him to this hospital and were shocked to hear the doctor say that he had been suffering from heart cancer all this time. It had reached the final stage, and he was now in a coma.
His mother's tears broke out, she couldn't continue the story and simply handed me a small notebook she had taken from the table in Matvey's room.
I opened it slowly and saw photos of me pasted there. Above them was written "My lovely Jane" I smiled and began to open the next page. It looked like a poem. I read it with a trembling heart.
𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨,
𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘥𝘶𝘴𝘬
𝘴𝘰𝘧𝘵, 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦,
𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘮𝘵𝘩.
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘦
𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘵𝘴,
𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘪𝘳 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘴
𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘴 𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘯𝘰𝘸
𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨
𝘸𝘦’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘰𝘵𝘩 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘰𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯.
𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘴 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨
𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘸,
𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘥𝘰𝘸𝘴
𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘮𝘦.
𝘐 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴,
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦
𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.
𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦,
𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭
𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺
𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦.
I opened another page. Now I saw a message.
𝘔𝘺 𝘑𝘢𝘯𝘦...
𝘐 𝘢𝘮 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘳𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘭𝘺. 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘴𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩. 𝘐𝘵'𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩 𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳.
𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘐 𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘐 𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘻𝘦, 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘭𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘺 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦.
𝘔𝘺 𝘑𝘢𝘯𝘦... 𝘐 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶... 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴.
I crumbled onto the cold floor, my knees hitting the tiles with a dull thud that I no longer heeded. In my arms, I clutched the small book tightly. My knuckles turned white, gripping the cover, trying to hold onto the remnants of memories or perhaps promises that were now just a pile of dead paper.
My eyes were tightly shut, tears flowing incessantly. A storm raged in my chest, a mournful scream struggling to get out, but it remained stuck in my throat, turning into a choked sob.
My heart felt as if it were being slowly sliced by a blade, aching, burning, leaving a gaping hole, invisible wound.
