I stared at myself in the mirror while Rose brushed my hair gently. She even hummed a quiet lullaby, which has always helped me when I was lonely and sad. Rose and her beautiful voice can go somewhere far away, somewhere that appreciates her talents in singing.
"Rose, you know I love you, right?" I said quietly.
Rose chuckled in surprise, as she didn't expect to hear it, "Of course, my Lady. I know you love me."
I giggled at her words.
Rose has always been there wherever I needed her. She's the source of my light in the dark. Helping me go through all kinds of treatment my family throws at me. Carrying and hugging me as if I were her child. She raised me. She raised me for 23 years.
"Rose..."
"Yes, my Lady?"
"You are going to follow me, right?" I asked her.
Unexpectedly, Rose nodded with a smile. I was relieved to think that Rose would be there, supporting me, in another country. A country I didn't expect to have my foot set there.
"Mo Yuan said, we might be going to have another wedding ceremony there," I said, animatedly. "And the Queen, wants to sponsor our wedding too. She wants to have them in her palace. My ceremony will be at the grand church, and the minister himself is going to be there too!"
I can't help but think about how beautiful my life will be with my soon-to-be husband. Mo Yuan is a nice gentleman. He had his own grace, which he held with great pride. But it didn't take that pride for granted and was humble.
His handwriting was neat, his voice was low and soft. The way he moved was so graceful. As if he just came out of the novel.
That I didn't even try to consider how hard my life would be in a foreign country. With a foreign language, food, culture, and clothes...
Rose smiled at me again, she was also happy with the news as soon as Mo Yuan left the mansion. She was there, witnessing the most romantic confession and effort a man can give to his love.
But then, a sudden knock on the door takes us both out of our dream. It was my mother.
She instructed Rose to leave us alone, and Rose helplessly left my mother and me with concern. She looked at me one more time before sighing and leaving.
And now, it's my turn to feel vulnerable.
My mother took over the task of brushing my hair, which was the first time my mother ever wanted to touch or do something for me. She never tried to talk to me before. She never once looked at me directly.
Why now?
"Aveline..." My mother finally spoke up.
With a nervous smile, I asked, "What's wrong, mother?"
She didn't say anything at first. But then, she sounds hesitant. And the same look I saw at the dinner table last week is there again.
Her quiet fears, washed over her face expression. She looks scared, her hand also trembling with fear.
Then, tears started to roll down her cheek.
Panicked, I asked again, "Mother, are you alright?" But she shook her head, refused to tell me what was going on in her mind.
I stopped her hand from brushing my hair. I immediately turned my body to look at her with a worried look.
With a firm tone, I asked yet again for the third time, "Mother, is there something that you want to tell me?"
My mother is quietly sobbing echoes around the room. Finally, she nodded her head. She put down my hairbrush on the table and knelt down in front of me. I was surprised to see her kneeling like this and asked her to get up, but she insisted on staying like this.
She took both my hands softly, and for the first time, she smiled at me. It was the most beautiful, radiant smile I've ever seen in my life.
"Aveline... Before I begin, I want to apologise." She said. "I want to apologise for not being the good mother you deserve. And I know it's too late to become your mother now. To become that mother who will protect you. To teach you. To guide you."
Despite my confusion at her words, I nodded in understanding.
She continues, "But right now, I want you to think. About this marriage. About this man you barely know." Tears form inside her eyes. "About your own future."
She took my hands close to her lips and kissed them gently, with the tears that had been rolling down her cheeks since earlier. It was awkward.
"Are you worried, mother?"
"Worried alone cannot express my emotions right now." Her shoulder shook. "I don't want you to repeat my life. The life I've been going through with your father. The life that I don't want you to go through... Simply because... You're a woman."
My eyes widen in surprise.
That night was the first night my mother confessed about the life she had lived. The reality she has been going through. Something that all of us in this mansion knew. And kept hidden for the sake of our father.
And I am shamelessly involved in hiding the truth away from the world, from society. Held my father with pride and grace, with the other.
Because I also... Surviving. In my own way.
My mother finally stopped crying after a few minutes. She told everything about her marriage in one single breath without stopping. And to sum up, she doesn't want me to go through the same traumatic experience she had.
The experience of marrying without her consent.
But I...
Mo Yuan is not like she thinks. Or that's what I want to say.
But the truth is, I'm also afraid. Afraid that the surface might not be the same as the inside.
The person we think at the surface can be different if we know how to reveal their true colour.
"Mother, I... I know you're afraid. Afraid of me going through the same thing you've been through. I understand why you wanted to warn me about men." I held her hand tightly.
"Because I'm the living proof of your suffering. No one in this house acknowledges you, and I was born as a girl; you were tortured for it."
My mother shook her head, wanted to say something but I quickly interrupted her.
"I know what you are thinking, but mother..." My voice was low, above a whisper, "I'm not you... I will never be you. I will never live just like you."
Her eyes widen, in surprise before her mind goes blank. No thoughts behind those eyes when she looked at me.
Only the tears that were left formed.
"You were not there, so you are not going to understand that we're different, mother," I said. "But I appreciate your thoughts of me. Your worry eases my feelings of disappointing you."
She stuttered before looking down, "I know... You're not me. I watched you grow up from afar, and I never once thought you were like me."
"Then keep thinking that way about me," I said firmly.
My mother didn't say anything. She got up and reached out to hug me tightly in her embrace. I got awkward, but this moment was something that I've been dreaming of since I was a kid.
My mother.
My one and only.
I raised my hand and returned her love with an embrace. The warmth that I have been seeking since I was a kid. The validation that I needed was from my mother all along.
"Tomorrow, we're going out to buy you a new wedding dress. The Queen handle everything, but she allows me to take over your dress." My mother said softly.
She let go of our hug and caressed my face. "I guess, I cannot let you go, not after everything I tried to protect you from. From me. Your father. Your brothers. The society. The expectations."
She smiled, "But I respect your decision. If prince Mo Yuan is the one for you, then I will respect it. At the end of the day, it is your choice. And I know, he loves you just as much you love him too." Then, her fingers go through my hair. "I will support you in every journey of your life."
