underneath the “it is what it is” façade lies the helpless human who constantly mulls over everything.
therapist friend by day, a failure at night.
if im given the chance to turn back the time, i will still do the decisions i've made. do i have a choice? i do. yet, i still chose the worst way possible. do i feel like a failure? yes. do i have regrets? no.
it's confusing, i am aware of that fact. all i know is that i gained a lot of life lessons which allowed me to share it and stray them away from the path i chose. they're brave, i know. but i don't know if they can handle the bitterness and hardship of the path. just because i can, doesn't mean they can too. i want to create a safe space for the people i hold dear. a better path than the shitty path i chose which is second to committing suicide.
but still... at night, when everyone is fast asleep, thoughts amplified. i can't help but mull over the fact that while i constantly fought for my freedom and for myself, i am slowly chipping away my own self. fighting for freedom cost me one of the best outcomes in the near future. defending myself lead to countless relationships getting cut off, which i do not regret. there are a lot more things but i dont want to talk about it anymore. to sum it all up, i succeeded but at the cost of almost everything. look at me now, such a failure.
the silence is deafening. to prevent a single thought of my past mistakes occuring, i engaged in various forms of escapism. i isolated myself from everyone, locking myself in my room and locking my heart in me.
did i really succeed? did i really succeed if the words “you are a failure, a disgrace to our family” still affects me? it's been haunting me at night ever since i heard those words.
it's 3 am again.
i sat on my bed. slowly losing my sanity as i stay within the four corners of my room. dread filled up my entire body as the clock struck three. do i still even have sanity left to lose in me? my room and the internet has been my safe zone for years. it shielded me from the traumatizing environment i am situated in. i became too dependent on it.
now that i wanted to move forward, the safezone i created became my very own cage and prison.
i know that this will happen again tomorrow and throughtout the nights in my lifetime. i will mull over my past mistakes again, in the same room around the same time.
