Oh, I may look like I am fine and I may not show it...
I am not fine at all.
My least smile couldn't fade away just for you.
I smile.
Only just for you.
We became friends since we were in diapers until we grew up to be best friends. Yes, I became attached to you.
It was a feeling I couldn't have had before. I developed feelings for you, and I know you won't feel the same way.
We were in high school at that time when I was finally able to reach you.
To stay beside you as we got closer.
Every day. Every months. Every year.
They passed by.
I was always there for you and gave you the comfort you needed. I lent you my shoulder to soak your tears onto whenever you were sad.
While I was listening to all of your problems, I was there, smiling and listening. I hoped for the best, that you would always be happy like you always seemed to be. I hoped that maybe, I was the one who made you happy.
Then she came.
Not someone I ever saw as a threat.
At first, neither did you. You told me how much she annoyed you, how fake she seemed. But feelings shift. And soon, she was the one you looked at with soft eyes. She became your joy.
I remember watching you fall for her.
I stayed silent. I kept smiling. She and I became close somehow, but i felt distant because it was all too much for me. I thought maybe it would pass, that maybe you'd come back.
And just like that, I was slowly left behind.
Still, I stayed.
Listened to your stories about her.
Held you when she left.
Watched you try to be okay.
And another girl came. This time, you two shared something more than what we shared. I respected the boundaries and just stood still.
And I smiled. Always smiled.
But I didn’t mind. Because every time things broke apart, you came back to me. Rant or just need someone to listen to you. Whenever you were sad, lost, or tired, you came to me. And of course, I never said no. Because I knew deep inside, you still hadn’t seen it yet.
Even though your heart belonged to someone else,
I stayed by your side.
Smiling again and again.
Maybe this is what it means to be a childhood best friend. To carry pain and unspoken feelings quietly. To hide it all for the sake of someone you care about more than yourself.
All I could do was smile at you.
Because I thought my smile brought you comfort.
So I decided to keep smiling until you were satisfied.
I stayed close.
Made you laugh with dumb jokes.
Tried to keep things light so you wouldn't feel the weight I carried.
Being your childhood friend…
It was the only thing I knew how to be. Because I didn't have the confidence to be anything more. I didn’t have the chance to say what I wanted to say. There were a lot of times you saved me, saved me from everything, protected me... you said you promised my mother that you'd always be there for me too and you did. I just did the same too. Weird as it is.
And one day... you simply let go of that small grasp I once asked you to hold.
Just for a bit longer.
You started replying less.
Coming late.
Sometimes you didn’t show up at all. You said you were busy so I thought maybe school had you exhausted. Or you were patching things up with her.
Then one day, you just didn’t come back.
Strange...
Your desk in class sat untouched.
No one said your name.
Your house… was empty.
Curtains closed.
No lights.
People whispered like I couldn’t hear.
Even teachers grew quiet when I asked about you.
I told myself you were just away.
That maybe your family moved without telling anyone. But I kept passing by the old waiting shed we used to meet at. Hoping, just once, I’d see your slouched figure waiting for me again.
I remember how we used to meet at the old waiting shed after school.
Even when it rained.
You’d be there, with your usual grumpy face, waiting for me like always.
And I saw you again, we went with our usual life as usual. Somehow I didn't see your girlfriend anywhere, so i thought the both of you needed some space with each other. It was strange when people started to stare at me, and then you just came in and save the day. As days passed by, you acted different... yet something that i couldn't figure out. You were still the same yet somehow different. l went at the same old school shed that you'd used to wait at, you were there,
Like a flower.
And days went by.
People started acting strange when I mentioned your name.
Teachers would pause, then quickly change the subject.
Your seat in class stayed empty.
But no one talked about it.
I started to notice that your house stayed dark for weeks, was it always like that?
Then the curtains vanished.
Then the family photos disappeared from the front hallway.
Then… someone else moved in.
Still, no one told me anything.
"You moved out didn't you?"
....
I began revisiting the places we used to go. The tree where we carved our initials. The park bench you always claimed as yours.
They felt different... quieter.
As if they were missing something I couldn't name.
Then one evening, I passed by the old shed again.
There was a single white flower left on the bench.
And your favorite song played softly from an old speaker nearby.
But no one was there.
I stood still, smiling through trembling lips.
Because something inside me finally understood.
And I finally knew the answers.
I remembered your last message that night.
Only four words.
"Keep smiling for me."
And I have.
Even now.
Even when the air grows heavy and the world forgets to ask about you. Even when people starts to move on from you. And even when I start to see you often in my dreams, cold yet warm.
I smile.
Only just for you.
Until we meet again.
