*SLAP!*
!!
Mu-
*Slap again*
It stings, my heart feels heavy, I dint realise when did the tears started to fall from my eyes, I tried super hard to control them so that they won't fall down again, atleast in front of them, I don't wanna be seen as someone who's weakwilled. Who gets teary eyed with just a little beating.
It's really difficult to breathe, tears could be felt at the edge of my eyes, daring to fall in any second now, I tried to take deep breathe, I tried to blink twice many time as I would do, clenching and biting my inner lip, trying everything in my power to suck them back in, god please don't let me cry infront of them, please. It's hard. I know it's hard but please not now. I can't afford to cry right now, I have to be brave and strong. I know it hurts, it hurts super bad,
I feel like crying right now, I feel super duper sad in my small heart, I wanna cry, I wanna wail, I wanna be held, I wanna be comforted like Mu Xi, I just wanna be reassured by someone who loves me, takes care of me, tells me that Xua Mu'an it wasn't your fault, it wasn't because of you that Ronghua had to die. It wasn't you who killed Ronghua, I wasn't even there when it happened so how is it my fault.
I... really.. dint know.. Ronghua was allergic to peanuts. I actually thought peanut allegry is western and not asian. Like have you ever seen an asian being allergic? Let alone get a cold from an allergy but to die from an allergy sounds bullsh!t,
I am trying, god knows I'm trying really hard to keep all my emotions from spilling outwards, it aches inside, my heart feels heavy, Can I have one peaceful day where it will be safe to be see as vulnerable and not labelled as sensitive?, atleast in front of them, my now family. Ridiculous, it's not even three days and yet I dare call them my family now?
Totally bullsh!t. I scoffed. Finding this hard to digest. No matter how much I try to contain myself, to be seen as a heartless woman now, it all fails when one question ends up in my mind,
It dint originated organically. It has always been there. No matter the timeline. No matter the situation. The question was,
Can I have one safe person who doesn't yell at me, critices me, beats me up everytime I breathe or does something to piss them off, to holds me gently in thier warm embrace, rubbing my back with soft pats, listening, while I wail so hard it ends up matching the sound from the rainstorm?
Don't I deserve it? A warm reassuring hug, a sweet soft whisper to reassure me that yes! I dint deserve any of this, any beating, any humiliation, ..
That yes! I.. dint.. do .. anything wrong.. it wasn't my fault! Ronghua died! I wasn't aware of her allergies! I am not even the real Xua Mu'an!.
So how is it even my fault!!??
Ronghua,
I feel so dejected,
Is it really my fault that you died?
I should have atleast checked.. to make sure that you were ok.
But I was preoccupied..
I ..
it's hard to say Ronghua, but I truly apologize for my oversight.
You dint serve to die, you had a good life ahead..
Maybe it's true, maybe leng changhuang's and other's words are true.
Maybe yes!
I. Am. Really. Pathetic.
You dint deserve to die so young, maybe if I died that day then I wouldn't have been here Today and you would be alive.
Today is the third day of my marriage with leng Changhuang, yes the same person who once called me pathetic infront of everyone on our wedding day. We were at my parents house to pay them a visit, as it was customary to do so in the time we are both currently living in.
"You don't get to touch what's mine, prime minister Xua!"
A shout, a sharp icy shout of leng changhuang suddenly beings me back to the reality.
My this timeline father, Prime Minister Xua Fucang was standing before me, some foot away, his hand in the air, grabbed by leng changhuang who was standing between us acting as my shield, seeing this protective side of him, my breathe quickens, my face felt warm, and a sudden drop in my pit.
Changhuang's broad shoulders were flexing, it looked strong, protective, and he seemed dependable, every muscle of his back to his arm were flexing.
I wondered, why is he protecting me?
Why me, and why now? And why him?? And not another person. He is the one who continues to bully me even here.
So what's he's trying to prove now?
Is this a show to show others as to how loving my husband is contrasting to how abusive my family is?
I glanced at him again,
Unsure of his actions,
Thinking hard what could it mean,
When Suddenly,
a thought flashed in my mind to that day, Back when we were home, modern timeline.
Back when we weren't husband and wife,
When we were just normal college going students.
One time,
I saw him benchpressing three hundred kilograms in the gym. I stared at him like a hawk, eyes wide, focused, breathe hitched, and gulping hard.
His biceps, his shoulders, his facial expression, the tension he was excluding felt exciting.
Probably I was ovulating that day when he was benchpressing and being jolly with others, laughing, chuckling being playful, he wasn't like this towards me, to me he was mean, hurting, and a bully.
Otherwise why would I feel anything towards him!except hatred and anger that wants to murder him, skin him alive, burn his soul in hellfire that dongfang qingcang uses,
If I hadn't been on that boat at that time, same time as him. Sailing through burmuda triangle, and that Strom hadn't hit us, I wouldn't be here, getting slapped by my own father and getting protective by the very person who bullies me.
I hate to admit, or even see but my eyes gravitates towards him.
This is the first time I'm feeling protective by a man.
even think of him aeverything flexed, the blood was pumping, he was frowing trying to push one time more,
