I never believed in first loves and everyone i spoke with never believed it either. They always said it was mere "puppy love" and that it'll go away quickly. But till this day, I never believed it was puppy love but actual heart break.
I know for a fact, I shall never online date again. It was my first time doing it with someone that I truly adored. I always talked about him to my friends despite them calling him "ugly", "not good looking" and I never cared. He was the most beautiful soul i ever met. It's even worse that I was physically and mentally abused my own father, that I quickly grew and became attached of this man and he became obsessed with me since he never got the love we both shared either another with others before he used to say. But I truly loved him. We were together for 3 years with ups and downs. We always had arguments due to his overthinking and past relationship issues before but we always overcame it and we were the happiest.
I've talked to his father over the phone and met his sister so we easily began to talk about how our life would be in the future. He would always talk about how he would drive to me (we were only 7+ hrs away) and meet up and stay with my family (he talked with mine as well) till he went home after a week or more lol. And it was best, especially since I have two sisters with autism and he loved them like they were his own and I never fell much more in love than I did before. But at the end of the day, it was my fault. And I know that. He would always accuse me of cheating and going behind his back (we both had passwords to our socials) and talking to other guys when I always reassured how I only had eyes for him. But it never changed. I was fool for this man, a happy fool. I never paid attention to how he would talk to me when he was angry (anger issues) because I knew about his life. His mother passed away when he was young, his father wanted to kick him out the house, his older sister couldn't live with then anymore, and he was still trying to get off drugs. I knew it all and I was there for him since the beginning. I never judged him for his weird humor nor how "bad" he looked. I loved him wholeheartedly, especially his sweet, loving, soft hearted, hard working personality. I never asked for much except for him changing how he spoke to me as the months flew by faster than I could imagine.
And as they flew by, my eyes began to open and see how things can change, feeling how it affected me mentally, and so much more. Those changed him. It made him start calling me slurs I never imagined he would say to me, more aggressive in his words, and thats when I began to hold grudges. I couldnt let them go even if he apologized. I couldn't help but store it like my father. I've always been a child who's temper couldn't stay once pushed. He pushed me to the edge and, I broke. I said things I didnt, I began to act just like how he did to me and thats when it began. He began to say I was the problem. I made him feel suicidal. I made him feel unloved, not cared for. Yes, I chose my friends at times but I was always with him 24/7, I needed some alone time for a bit but that didnt matter. I was the problem and I knew i was.
I know I didn't cheat, I know I didnt go behind my back and tell my friends how bad I was and having them on call while we argued, I knew I loved him, I cared for him, I knew I wanted to have a future with this man. I knew it so damn well that it didnt change a thing. I was the problem.
He said I cheated despite me not doing any of that. The guy he said I cheated with jokingly told him we were together for 6 DAMN YEARS AND I WAS SO UPSET AT THAT GUY CAUSE WHY. He didn't believe me when I said he was the only one. He didn't believe me when I sent him an ss of the guy saying it was a joke. HE NEVER EVER BELIEVED ME SINCE DAY 1. I hated it. And I knew the more cracks we had in our relationship wasn't working. I had to end, I knew I had to. We were always on and off about breaks up and got back together but not this time. We couldnt talk anything out. The damage was done. He couldn't take back about calling me a "whxxe" or saying "people run a trxxn on me", he couldn't. None of the things he said to me, he couldnt take back. No apology or long paragraphs could save him... then why do i still want him? Am I too attached to him? Is it because I have no father in my life??
We officially broke up and I was still accussed of cheating. He posted a tiktok about me and only told his side of the story and made me look like the bad guy. Why did I love this man? Why do i STILL love him after a year went by?
I'll never understand. People say its because I need closure. I need to KNOW why we even broke up even though I knew why. And especially how he changed after 2 years in. Was it his true colors? Was it when I suddenly started acting like him? Do i feel so guilty that im blaming myself? I dont know, ill never know. He wasn't just my first loves, he was the only man who didnt just over him. He loved my weird laughs and cringe jokes, even my weird gacha videos that I made him watch with him. He loved me for being me. He was my everything.
So why... why do I still cry... why cant I get over him after a year went by.
