I could not believe it even happened
I met them by a spontaneous hi and my dumass self replied back
I was certainly gonna learn a lot from this
In a way I wish I didn’t
The conversation went really really well
To the point it was me who suggested we could be lovers
Wtf is that
Anyway this is all about judging myself
I know they were hinting about it too but I really shouldn’t have done that myself
I must be insane because
They seemed like a nice person
They are until they wanted me to send an inappropriate photo of myself
I was stupid because although I refused to send one, I still went on with that kind of shtty relationship
I was like weird and didn’t instantly block them when I should have
I mean I know no one has ever taught you about this but wtf it should be common sense
After that, the person sent hntai
Idk why but I kept on ignoring all that shi because I was blinded by how much they gave me affirmation and validation
Oh just to clarify, I never sent anything like that back to them okay.
And so, it wasn’t until my parents found out and I lied about how they were bullying me into it
I learned a lot.
One fact being I was truly a hopeless stupid idiot.
I now realized from that time why people cut their wrist
And to add insult to injury
Having yet to recover from that sht
My grandma died
That was the last straw and I totally broke down
It was all mixed up.
My grandma didn’t die from covid but from blood cancer.
And as all of her sons and daughters and some of my siblings and cousins were crying in that room
I was by the mini bathroom next to that room sobbing silly, all brittle but I was holding some noise back (ik cringe dont picture it too much)
I saw a pen as I was crying on the floor
And took it
I went ahead and insulted myself for every mistake I’ve been
I’ll go ahead and do the honor of mentioning the most thing…
I hate myself for keeping up with that person
To the point, my parents had to step in to stop it
I hate myself for lying so bad
Saying that that person is the bully who forced me into that thing
Which was disturbing knowing the truth behind it
The fact that it was me who started it
And I made up that lie in the desperate attempt to save myself from that situation.
And finally, adding the cherry on top
My grandma died
In that mini bathroom sobbing alone.
I grazed myself trying so hard to cut myself with the dull ballpoint and my arms couldn’t drip a blood
But there was blood peeking out of the damaged skin with the ink of the pen on top of it
I was so determined to cut myself a lot but in the end I couldn’t drip blood on it as I wanted
It scarred for a while that I regretted it
I remembered it everytime I looked at it
(I know it’s kinda cringe dam)
After all that
Couple of years later happened
This same person was in the same institution as I was
I healed because I was horrified of my mental condition that time myself
And this same person turned out to be classmates slash friends with the people I made friends with at a department I was in
And the person had the audacity to have the people I made friends with know that I was in a relationship with them
And asked for a closure with me through those same people
But I didn’t want to let the people know shi about us so I told them that I had no comment
But deep down, I never want to have that person in my life again
That actually happened lol
Isn’t that crazy?
