Have you ever had a moment when you felt the world around was crushing apart? That feeling that the ground beneath you is swallowing whole. Wishing that everything that happened was just a dream and not reality? That feeling of wanted to disappear from the face of the earth. That feeling of wanting to lose your memories of something so painful your heart hurts. Your chest tightening as you struggle to breathe but at the same time you can only show a non-chalnant face on the surface. I've had the moment.
As cliche as it sounds I never really thought there was much gender difference between friends. I hanged out with whoever I wanted to, without caring so much about gender difference. Not until the moment I heard he was being serious about it did I realize there could be no pure friendship between us. I knew I had to leave. I booked the plane ticket for the next day. Finally I found the courage to leave. I could now do what I've always wanted to do.
It have been five years now since I left my home country. I finally returned home today. I've just landed at the airport and my dad had come to pick me up. I had not kept contact with any of my friends from the moment I left, so no one knew I had come home. It was for the best. I returned to the familiar home, the familiar scent of food being made in the kitchen. I had missed all these. For countless times in the five years I had been away mom wanted me to come back. Enticing me with all the various delicacies. I had wavered several times.
But I could never bring myself to go through the same thing again. I came in with various excuses and delayed coming home time and again. The next day mom received several calls about me being home after so long. I had forgotten Avery important thing, that was telling mom not to post on social media. Now everyone I know knows I'm home. Soon I had home visits one after other starting from seven O'clock in the morning till three in the afternoon. As much as I dreaded, I was glad he didn't show up.
I was invited to go for a birthday party of one my close friend during the weekend. Initiatially the first thought was to refuse because there was a high chance of encountering him but I couldn't do so because after all, I owe my friends an apology for disappearing so long. Also sooner or later I had to face him so I decided it was time I finally test myself.
Finally the weekend arrived after all. I picked myself up and dressed up for the event.I had let my mom pick the gift not wanting to go out. The time for the event arrive so quickly. I went into a panic state once more. But I had to calm myself down. I had not had social gatherings and a a social life for the past five years now. I needed someone to save me so I had told my dad to pick me up by ten O'clock. If it was former self I would have ended up having a sleepover at my friend's house. Now I had zero social life, my confidence had dropped dead, no more makeup or socializing be it on the internet or real life. This was a tough battle.
For the first time in life I arrived early to a party. I did so inorder to leave early. I gave her my gift she refused it on the grounds that I had not regarded her as my best friend. I don't blame her because I really had been a bad friend. But she decided to be the bigger person as she hugged me and cried saying she had missed me so badly. I knew that moment I had been so wrong to cut off all contacts with my friends because of my selfish reason. Soon one after the other they started asking me what I had been upto. I said I got a PhD and now I was a Professor, they cheered me on while blaming me for not keeping contact. All the while I dreaded his coming. Minute after minute passed by as the door opened and closed. Then came the moment I had dreaded the most, he came and sat down beside her.
Lucky for me it was nearing nine O'clock. I had just one hour and then I could go. Just one hour. He gave her the gifts he had bought the wishes and finally looked towards me with a surprise look on his face. He had noticed me just then. I had noticed him and dreaded his coming this whole time but it was different case for him. He didn't speak to me and nor did I start the conversation. As so unusual of my personality back then, I just smiled lightly and looked away. Forty- five , forty- four..fourty- three.. forty- two.. forty- one..forty...the countdown began in my head. Soon there was only twenty minutes left.
Suddenly I felt a hand on me...I was jolted back to reality as I realized it was best friend's hand. She pulled me and we went to the restroom hand in hand. Bringing me back memories from years back when we were always inseparable. In a group of six friends we were the only girs. Then she fixed her makeup and began questioning me a flood of questions. I knew she had been enduring wanting to meet me the whole time I had arrived home. I let her beat me up and vent her anger on me and then she cried. I didn't know how to react anymore. I cried along with her and told her I'd explain myself another day. Then we went back. I told her my dad was coming to pick me up, she wasn't willing to let me go but noticed my determination and didn't say any more.
I didn't enter the room to say my goodbyes. I left with my dad, he had been waiting for half an hour. I was just glad I didn't had time to face him alone. Dad noticed my mood and reassured me everything would be fine. I hadn't explained anything to anyone. Not even my parents but somehow they never blamed me. I had drifted apart from everyone slowly in the past five years. Frequent calls in a day then turned into a mandatory call in a week, slowly becoming one call in two weeks and then one in three weeks and gradually turned into a mandatory monthly call. Soon I didn't return calls anymore. Slowly it reached to a point where I began to text my parents. I no longer made calls.
I still heavily relied on my meds. I couldn't possibly survive without it. I never knew how I finished my doctorate. Never thought it was possible for me to do so with my mental state. All I had faced was thanks to a twenty years friendship I had with him. We were a group of six friends. The two of us had been friends from the moment I turned three years old he was a year older than me but I relied on him because our families were friends and he took care of me everywhere. All the other four were friends we made throughout the years I made two friends and he made the two other. Making us a group of six, for the first time I had a female friend in high-school and I introduced her to the friend group. We became fast friends and soon we hanged out everyday. Our group of friends had been friends for four years and it would have been nine years if I had not left back then.
I had not kept contact with anyone from the friend group for the past five years. They were the only good friends I had. They had remained close even with my absence. I had often received calls from them after I had left...I never really had the courage to pick any. So soon our relation had become distant.
To be continued...
