Every time you pass by me, I try to avoid you. I try to act like I don't know or care.
You don't know how handsome you are. I want you to know how you look to me. I want you to see through my eyes, but if only you could. If only you knew me. If only you knew that I existed.
Every time I see you, my heart flinches. I get this unwanted feeling inside me that I can't explain. My heart skips a beat when you pass by or when I get to see you, even if it's only for a second.
Well, the truth is, I don't want you to know me. I don't want you to know that I exist because I am not as good as you. I am not as pretty as you. I am not as smart as you. I am not as cool as you. I am not as interesting as you.
So, I don't want you to know me—to know who I am. Because even if you did, you wouldn't care about me. You wouldn't even spare me a glance. You would think I am really ugly (which I am). You would hate me because I am not as good as you. Actually, you wouldn't even waste your time thinking about me.
And I admit that I am not pretty. I am bad. So that's why I try to avoid you—to not be reminded of you again. Because when I see you, I start hating myself even more than before. When I look at you, I am reminded of how ugly, bad, and disgusting I am.
I try to love myself as much as I can by having positive thoughts, trying to accept myself the way I am, trying to love myself...
But then you come and pass by me—always at the wrong time—whenever I don't want to see you. I hate myself. I try to avoid looking at you, but my dumb self looks at you anyway. And I regret it the very second I do. I start hating myself even more. I lose all the confidence I had built for myself. I was just starting to feel better, trying to love myself, but you ruined it. You ruin it every time I see you. It's my fault for looking at you even though I shouldn't, and I hate myself for that.
That's why, whenever I walk, I don't want to see your face. I get scared that I might run into you. Even if I step outside my classroom, I run back in, terrified of seeing you.
And because of the insecurities I have, I don't want anyone to see me, anyone to notice my presence. I want to be unnoticed. Because, again, I don't want anyone to know how bad I am. I am scared that, like you, others will also hate me.
I don't want to see you ever again in my life. I want to forget about you. And I am trying to forget you. But am I? Because here I am, writing this.
Okay, I take an oath that this is the last time I remember you. From now on, I will try—no, I will erase you from my memories.
Again, I hope I never see you, never hear about you, ever again in my life.
