My dream was to become an idol, someone that inspires lives, to change them, to tell them that dreams do not have limitations. I used to perform at clubs of korean night life. While my rich businessman father only wished for profits and opposed everything relating to my dream. In those clubs with dark secrets and mysteries left unfolded, I found myself attracted to a very bright light I wanted to hold on to him. He idolized me too, well more than that, I could feel it too and while I too did hold some feelings I shouldn't towards him I held myself back. This wasn't going to turn out good for anyone. He wanted to be an actor, he had good acting skill I can't deny but something about the way he acted so raw always used to pull me towards him just for me to remind myself to push my feelings at the edge of the world in dark corner. But we all know the world's round my feelings towards him got tainted with the twisted darkness and obsession from where I kept my feelings.
I proposed to him and to my surprise he accepted and cried so hard he got a nosebleed. And while I was worried seeing him bleed, a twisted part of me loved the effect I had on him. Our relationship didn't made a lot of people happy especially the old crappy people who can't die with their old ways. My father disregarded our relationship saying I'll snap out of it one day only if he knew my truth. I loved the way he laughed for me, loved the way he smiled for me, loved the way he cried for me, loved the way he bled for me. And even when he was hurt, even when he wanted to cry he never wanted to leave me, I was such an asshole to grin at the thoughts. The idea of someone willing to bleed for me especially him satisfied my petty pride. While my love for him turned into a dark twisted obsession. My father now had gotten an idea that I wasn't going to leave him so he forced me, he told me he would harm that boy, that boy who was the love of my life for whom I could even hold a knife.
Six years we've been in a push and pull relationship because of my father and because of his petty idea of how I should have a "normal relationship". My father always used to give me warning about how he would hurt him in unimaginable ways I couldn't image. I kept pushing him away but his feelings towards me never changed. He had cried so much for me in those years I didn't know if my heart could bear him shedding another tear for me. One day I returned to our home we had built with so much love just to notice him lying on the floor bruised while two bastards are on top of him touching him. My mind was blank and all I saw was red. I yanked them of him putting on my jacket on him. I held them both beaten them until they were almost dead almost. He was telling me to stop but I couldn't, how dare they, how dare they hurt the only person I'd be willing to die for, the only person I'd loved. At the police station, my father came to bail me out while he stayed by side the whole the time with tear in his eyes he was trembling. I pulled him closer to myself and at that day I wanted to pull him so close to myself but I couldn't no matter how tight I cuddled with him I just couldn't get close enough.
My father made an offer to me he said leave that boy I'll make you into an idol myself or else the thing that happened to him today could repeat until he gets tired of it and finally decide to end it all with the very two hands that holds me right now. I had never felt so helpless in my life not in front of my father atleast, though I hadn't grown any special feelings for my father but the little boy who was a part of my childhood stuck between divorced parents with only his father sparing him just a glance held hope in his heart. Oh what a fool he was. As much as I wanted to just free myself of this useless existence my love wasn't going to have it any better with me gone.
I went to him with a face so blank and stoic no one could break away the strong wall that hid my emotions. I went to him and told him that I wasn't interested in anything used. I had told him how I had just used him to satiate my own selfish desires in a very derogatory way. My heart broke into peices as I was watched him lose the very shine in his eyes that I had been so attracted to. He looked at me like a stranger, as if he didn't even know who I was. He stumbled upon on his own steps his heart and knees both too weak from the weight of my words. I stepped back and turned towards the other side to not look at him when all I wanted to do was just embrace him, engulf him in my arms blocking any type of harm. I walked away as pieces of my own soul faded slowly as I heard him choking on his own tears. His heart breaking cries was going to be a nightmare for me. And as much I hated those tears in his eyes I couldn't help hating every part of me that was the reasons for his misery and for those tears he shed looking so weak and pathetic. I loathed myself for it.
It's been four years, four years of tragedy, four years of nightmares, four years of living like a corpse. I watched him from afar I couldn't have beared his pessimistic expression towards me, I couldn't have so I watched him at a distance. Now I had power, money, fame and every materialistic things a person could dream of but not peace, love or the very part of my soul that faded away with his love for me. He became a great actor. I used to watch him on the screen for hours until my eyes used to hurt forcing me to move my eyes from the screen only to be met with his picture frame. Everytime I watched him cry on the screen I wondered if he ever used the raw emotion that he felt from the heartbreak I, someone who was supposed to love him with my life, gave. That day still haunts my mind like everytime I close my eyes I could feel him nearby just for me to see him sigh.
