You know the feeling of looking at someone and suddenly thinking how attractive they are? Well, it happened to me in high school, finally a normal and not at all reprehensible behavior of wanting to kiss someone just because they are attractive, finally my heart was beating wildly because of a presence. A man. My classmate, my karate partner, my childhood friend.
And you can guess that things did not turn out well. Not well at all.
You see, my friend, who I was slightly in love with, had a lot of family problems, and many is an understatement. Here’s a summary: he was adopted at twelve, he could never get used to them, he started hanging out with people from the night, he started smoking and from there everything got worse. Oh, right, remember the “one day a friend passes you a cigarette but it tastes different,” that was him. Yes. He introduced me to that world of toxins.
It was his way out.
I wasn’t sure if he loved me the same way, most likely he didn’t. But I was happy by his side, I woke up in the mornings with his name in my head, I sang with my mother hoping to get to class early to see him. I went to training happy and content and I didn’t mind spending hours and hours outside the house walking the streets with him to find the best price.
While I was discovering his world, I was discovering myself. A simple touch, a look, a smile and that was enough to make my heart about to explode. I wanted to be with him, and that feeling had little to do with male friendship. I wanted to be with him so much that I inhaled whatever he put on my lips, I put whatever was in that syringe without caring about anything. Idiot, right?
By then I was seventeen years old and still didn’t have a girlfriend, nor had I been found kissing a girl in the school hallways, nor did I send messages late at night. Father’s reproaches returned, this time towards me. He controlled me, where I was, who I was with, what I did, it exasperated me… and I became the one who lit the tip first, I became the one who calculated the measure and I was the one who knew the places with the best price.
And I was the one who hid the drugs in my underwear drawer.
And I was the one who opened the door for him that night when mom and dad go to dinner. And I ordered pizza using his card, and I bought some more shots too.
And I was the one who rested my head on his shoulder crying, barely aware of reality. And I was also the one who kissed him, over and over again until his body became everything.
