Realising the chaos we are in. I wished to let him go but something in me urged to fix things again but I felt helpless. I would have gone to any length just for him but now I watched him slowly push me away.
Has it always been like this? I guess yes. Maybe I just was too blind in love that I never noticed or maybe... I was scared of existing without him that I let him put me through everything just because I would readily go through everything for him.
Is that love?
Is that his vanity?
Is that not the feeling of being owned?
Is that just someone who never really cared?
Questions rushed through my mind. Panic was setting in. I was shaking but he had already turned his back at me.
I cried.
I cried him.
For it was anguish, insecurity, unsurety and not out of love but out of regret.
Lovers to Strangers, was that all in our fate?
Or had he re-written his through The Goddesses of Fate?
He didn't seem to care enough or maybe my love wasn't enough for him to care.
There was uncertainty and certainty
Uncertainty about whether he loved me and his certainty about " She isn't the one"
Uncertainty about " Was he the one?" and certainty about "he could have been if he actually tried"
At the starting I believed in nothing.
Now, all I had was nothing.
Was it just his pride?
Was there more to it than I could see? Or was it hidden from me? Everything was infront of me but still I was left in shackles.
Everything was torn to pieces. They could be sewed back together but none of the pieces alinged with each other.
He had asked me to follow my heart.
I wanted to, but which piece of my heart was he referring to? The piece which yearned for him to stay? Or The piece which yearned for him to give me my old self back?
I didn't know.
So I just stayed. Hoping things would change. Cause I believe his silk touch would be gentle on my heart but it turned out he never wanted my heart but maybe just a woman by his side to feed his ego.
We both had our sides of the story. I told him mine, he never changed. He never told me his side of the story.. maybe because I wasn't someone he could confined in or maybe I just wasn't enough.
Does one need to be enough for the other to stay?
Does one need to be everything that the other wanted for them to stay?
Why does one have to always please the other for them to stay?
Isn't that more of a deal than love?
People call them "efforts". But if you're his habit, his efforts will show his love for u, if you're his chore, his efforts will show his duty towards you.
The first time, he didn't just kiss me on my lips. He put few strands of my hair behind my ear and kissed my forehead while cupping my face. How could one deny such a love?
He made me believe that love was pure. But he also made me believe such pure love wasn't meant for me.
He made me believe I was capable to love to the fullest.
But he also made me believe that I wasn't capable to be loved to the fullest.
Was it a need or was it a want?
Neither.
It was will to continue living.
No I wasn't suicidal, but I was willing to live either. So I just stood there.
He went and didn't turn back once.
I fell to my knees.
My hands couldn't stop trembling.
I wanted to rip my skin out, for my skin held memories of his touch.
I wanted to rip open of my mouth, for my his taste still lingered on my lips and on my tongue.
He was my home and his arms were my favourite corner. But there was also the room I was never allowed to, his heart.
